In an effort to protest the somewhat recent removal of the Delta Queen boat and hotel, an anti-government group from Soddy-Daisy has occupied the restrooms in Chattanooga’s Coolidge Park. The movement comes some days after a militia group took control of an Oregon National Wildlife refuge.
The militia from Soddy-Daisy has been known to follow the teachings of local resident Basil Marceaux, as well as post repetitive memes on local news organization’s Facebook pages.
“We demand the government big wigs return the Delta Queen to it’s rightful place on the shores of Coolidge Park”, exclaimed Militia leader Alvin Bondy. “We’ve got the poopin’ removal part covered, but we are asking for supporters to bring us some more TP and snacks from Clumpies.”
Lee University, the college located in Cleveland, Tennessee, has made news again for producing another nationally recognized prize winning karaoke singing boy. Jordan Smith, who previously was apart of the famous “Lee Karaoke Singers”, defeated a number of other Karaoke hot shits to win top prize of $100,000 and a brand new Karaoke machine with 6″ LCD screen.
“Ever since I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going places,” said Cleveland area bowling alley Karaoke 
organizer Jeffrey Bradson. “He used to amaze us with a glorious heart-felt rendition of “Carry of My Wayward Son.”
Lee University has announced plans to offer more karaoke based course offerings. Partnerships were formed with Sing it or Wing it and Buds Sports Bar to scout more talent for classes.
Business owners and stripping professionals have been preparing for the yearly ROSSVILLEBLVDx24, a celebration of local businesses and activities located on Rossville Boulevard. Not to be confused with the competing MAINx24, ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 offers a complete greasy family friendly experience, according to Pawn Shop owner Cloudus White.
“ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 shows the fun side of Rossville Boulevard that families never get to truly experience,” explained White. “Parents can bring their children to touch an acne covered ass or make a down payment on a used power drill.”
Food and watered down liquor will be served from a number of boarded up restaurants. Matinee showings of classic adult flicks will be shown at the adult theater, along with a cakewalk and corn hole.
After news that thousands of Syrian refugees would be making their way to the United States, much to the chagrin of many southern residents, a representative of the Syrian refugee placement department announced plans have been scraped to settle many folks in Chattanooga. All due to the recent closure of the local Noodles and Co restaurant.
Many hoped local attractions, such as the aquarium, incline, and endless gang violence would bring the displaced human beings to the city.
“Escaping our war torn country is possibly the greatest thing that has happened to my family and me” explained Syrian refugee Victor Sayid. “Too bad Chattanooga has become a shit hole where I cannot score some delicious noodles.”
After Starbucks received a wave of backlash over releasing a solid red cup with only their logo for the holiday season, local coffee company Velo announced they will start serving coffee in a mug that features the baby Jesus and the words “Merry Christmas”.
Velo deliveries to local markets will also be switched to a season appropiate donkey instead of the normal bicycle.
Other business plans include to offer a collection of themed roasts, such as the blood of the lamb brew, and a collection of bearded-man manger scene mugs for the whole family.
After a Black Lives Matter movement banner was seen on the Walnut Street Bridge this weekend, a representative from River City Company accounted plans to purchase the bridge with sign and develop a mass of 7 story condos and hip restaurants that serve free-ranged hand cut ice.
“We have seen the concerns of local citizens and will take them to heart,” said River City Company spokesman Dewayne Jefferson. “These plans include repurposing the movement sign as some sort of fencing fastened to untreated wood for the patio of a bridge restaurant with locally sourced hookah glassware and kale.”
Future plans for the company include purchasing Chattanooga Community Kitchen and converting it into a hip brunch spot that requires a Netflix login to enter.
SoundCorps, the new Chattanooga-based nonprofit organization created to boost the local music scene and to view Stratton Tingle’s hair style of dreadlocks, held their launch party last night at the new Revelry Room.
“The primary objective of SoundCorps is to bring the Chattanooga music community together to form one big cohesive unit to look at my dreads,” exclaimed SoundCorps dreadlocks owner/Executive Director.
“I’ve participated in multiple musical projects over the last decade or so,” said local musician Brian Richardson. “I’m glad those years of dedication and practice have allowed me to join other musicians in gazing upon Mr Tingles head of free love flowing dreadlocks.”
Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis announced during his visit to the United States that he plans to make a stop in Chattanooga over the weekend. He surprised onlookers by revealing he has entered the IRONMAN competition.
This marks the first time in history that any living Pope has participated in the IRONMAN competition.
“Blessed be the IRONMAN competitors, who shall be destroyed by this old Pope,” exclaimed Pope Francis, while slipping into a white pair of blessed biker shorts.
Pope assistants reportedly applied tire upgrades to the Pope mobile bike to protect against the impending tar and nails in the Lafayette portion of the race.
During today’s campaign stop in Chattanooga, Republican Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio took time from his tour of the city to make a stop by the up-and-coming MLK mural being painted by a group of local artists. While at the site, Mr. Rubio took it upon himself to draw a sizable penis and the words “Rubio 4 Prez”, ruining the work of dozens of talented artists over the last few weeks. 
“I was up on a crane finishing a few touch ups on my part of the mural, and all of a sudden I see Mario Rubio waving from the ground below me,” explained local artist Jonathan Levi. “The next thing I know, I’m hit over the head with a blackjack and wake up to see a sizable green penis above me.”