Naked lady chased by police officers near Hwy 153
Naked lady chased by police officers near Hwy 153

Police Academy enrollment skyrockets after adding “Naked Lady Catching” training

Enrollment in Chattanooga’s Police Academy training has reportedly skyrocketed, after the addition of a new training course on how to catch naked ladies.

The training course was added after a video went viral this week, showing two police officers attempting and failing to catch a naked lady running away from them near Highway 153, with one officer slipping and falling and the other officer shrugging after the incident.

Following the video’s release was overwhelming public outrage over the lack of necessary training for police to deal with such incidents.

“Yes, it’s true that police need serious training to deal with situations like facing active shooters or having to sing the national anthem,” said Chattanooga resident Scottie Kommeda. “But, gosh darn it, they also need the proper training to grab and tackle wet and wild naked ladies who are on the loose, with their bits all flippety-floppety.”

The comprehensive new training course, which will be required for all police officers, will include tactics for catching naked ladies who may be covered with a variety of slippery substances, such as baby oil, Jello, and movie theater butter.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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