Business

Trump threatens to replace TVA CEO with Coalie

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Coalie

President Trump threatened to replace the current CEO of the Tennessee Valley Authority with Coalie, an anthropomorphic cartoon piece of coal.

This threat came despite a recent decision made by the TVA board to continue to run coal plants that had previously been planned to be shut down, and it comes after the EPA has recently repealed greenhouse gas emissions standards although solar energy has finally become the world’s least expensive power source.

“Hi everybody!” said Coalie at a press conference this morning. “A lot of people don’t like me, which makes me sad, but Uncle Trumpy says I’m beautiful! And clean! And that makes me feel good.”

“Christmas comes early to the Tennessee Valley!” said Coalie. “I’m one lump of coal you won’t mind getting in your stocking.”

“I’m as pleased as punch about the 4+ million tons of carbon emissions per year that will be added at these sites,” said Coalie. “Me and my buddies have killed hundreds of thousands of Americans since 1999, and don’t think for a second that we won’t continue our reign of terror.”

“You see, we need all this electricity for generative AI datacenters like Elon Musk’s xAI Colossus in Memphis, so they can produce ugly-as-dogshit AI slop and fuel chatbots that encourage suicide,” said Coalie.

“Do not fuck with me, or I will crush you,” said Coalie, before flashing a smile.

Planned Nashville tunnel between airport and downtown to allow bachelorette party buses

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Bachelorette party bus

After Tenn. Governor Bill Lee announced plans for the Music City Loop – an underground tunnel connecting Nashville’s downtown with its airport, intended only for Tesla vehicles – it was revealed that the project has been expanded to also include bachelorette party buses.

“I looked at the numbers, and getting these bachelorette party buses off the downtown streets will really help with our traffic congestion issues,” said Nashville City Planner Jamie Deckless. “Anyone who’s out in Nashville on a weekend can attest that the streets are clogged with these obnoxiously loud mobile monstrosities, with plastered tiara-wearing ladies projectile vomiting neon green margaritas and littering the streets with party favors, like coozies that say ‘Maid of Dishonor.'”

Critics of the Music City Loop tunnel project, to be completed by Elon Musk’s Boring Company, have cited concerns including a lack of transparency, complicated geological challenges, and negative environmental impacts, such as spilled low-grade paint-thinner-scented vodka drinks contaminating waste water drains and excessive plastic garbage, primarily in the form of novelty crazy straws in the shape of penises and testicles, from the party buses.

The Boring Company’s Las Vegas tunnel project has been criticized for skirting labor, building and environmental regulations, which some claim does not bode well for the Nashville project; however, local politicians have hinted that they’re willing to look the other way if such issues arise and possibly adopt, as part of a new piece of legislation, Las Vegas’s “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” official ordinance.

The idea for including bachelorette party buses in the Music City Loop was proposed by Tesla’s generative A.I. assistant Grok, in “unhinged” mode, which also suggested calling it the “Music City Tunnel of Fuck” with giant flaming dildos to provide lighting and the sound of grindcore band Pig Destroyer being pumped through loudspeakers at deafening levels.

Chattanooga Bystander’s 2023 in Review

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District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

March: Lipstick-wearing Bugs Bunny arrested for defying TN drag show ban

Bugs Bunny in drag

April: Hero Kid Rock shoots aggressive Bud Light cans in self-defense

Kid Rock shooting cans of Bud Light

May: TN House Republicans introduce megaphone ban after Covenant Shooting

District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

June: Crypto influencer Gary Vee says “Shitty NFT scribbles are the future of finance” 
Grown man introduces childish hen-scratched cartoon characters with a straight face, such as Grifter Grizzly Bear, Ponzi Panda, Speculative Bubble Bumblebee, and Pump-N-Dump Penguin.

"VeeFriends" NFT and Gary Vaynerchuk (inset)

September:  Local school admins completely baffled by wave of teachers quitting their low-paying, soul-crushing, glorified-babysitting job

Teacher contemplating her life's mistakes including becoming a teacher

October: Rep. Fleischmann almost becomes new House Speaker and when we say “almost” we mean “not even close”

Text messages from Rep. Chuck Fleischmann to Donald Trump

Startup Week event on fundraising to meet on top of TVFCU with a plasma cutter and rope at 3AM

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During this year’s CHA Startup Week, attendees of a class on “how to raise capital for your Startup” were instructed to meet at 3:00 AM on the top of the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union building with a steel piercing plasma cutter and repelling rope with further instructions to be given using a burner cellular telephone.

Attendees of the event were seen earlier in the day chugging local organically sourced coffee while trying on an assortment of handcrafted ski masks before attending a rave or something just hours before the 3AM start time.

“The best mantra I use to get other founders pumped is to imagine the thrill of seeing your recently acquired money fly out of duffle bags, big movie style, while you speed away in a late-night getaway car, like a metaphor for how much money your startup will burn before it ends in a fiery crash,” explained BNKRBR CEO/Co-founder/President/Vice President Terry Moore. “The hustle is real.”

Armed right-wing militia members take post outside Mr. Burrito Grill in case threat of “Mr.” removal arises

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After news that Hasbro might be removing the “Mr.” from its classic Mr. Potato Head toy, a group of conservative-leaning militia members has assembled outside of the popular eatery “Mr. Burrito Grill” in an effort to provide what they call ” freedom protection”. Experts believe the group is doing anything they can to protect what they are calling “the sanctity of men” and nothing would be more harmful to their wellbeing than seeing the word “Mr.” removed from a building.

“He’s a MISTER burrito grill for a reason,” explained one militia member Brandon Houseman. “You take away his manhood then it’s just a burrito grill, I can buy them things at Big Lots”.

Sources say the group did not keep post long as temperatures rose above 70 degrees in the afternoon and also discovered does not provide a discount for being fake military.

Mayoral candidate Christopher Dahl unloads boatload of Rush Limbaugh death memes in an effort to gain attention

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After a leading candidate for Chattanooga Mayor was spotted sharing a post supposedly celebrating the death of conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, Libertarian candidate Christopher Dahl took to social media to unload a collection of pro-death Limbaugh memes in hopes to snag some attention.

Experts believe Mr. Dahl hopes to gain some publicity with a copycat scandal that earned even more press for a leading candidate while those outside the top four have failed to gain any sort of noterity.

“He was spotted posting a “We have God-given free will to smoke cigars while denying lung cancer existed and then dying and going straight to hell” quote with a golden microphone floating in a lake of fire meme,” exclaimed a local Facebook police officer Donnie Covey. ‘This is shameful and I will contact the Chattanoogan at once.”

“I don’t know who he was but I’m still not going to vote for him,” explained Chattanooga voter Gary Plummer. “Posting a meme saying Mr. Limbaugh died choking on a fart covered cigar is the last straw for me.”

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk.

Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes forcing them to substitute items or be resourceful.

“If you’re out of milk, it might be tempting to fill your breakfast cereal bowl with some unleaded gas instead, since it’s now cheaper than milk,” said local petroleum and dairy expert Kim Attnius. “My expert advice to you is to strongly recommend against it.”

“Also, sandpaper is not a good substitute for toilet paper,” said Attnius. “I’m not an expert on toilet paper, so I had to learn this the hard way.”

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

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After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.

Old Southside YMCA to become collection of dollar deal stores

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After being vacant for almost 40 years, the old Southside YMCA building is set to become a collection of dollar deal stores later this year.

Owners say there will be a monthly membership to access the exclusive clubs. Sources say there will be a $1 initiation fee and $1 monthly dues for personal and $1 for couples.

More on this later.

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