April 2018

Chattanooga Airport announces safer non-stop catapult service to Florida

After an airline known for its low-cost direct flights from Chattanooga to Flordia came under scrutiny for having a high number of in-flight breakdowns, a representative from the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport announced new and safer direct catapult flights from the Gig City to the Sunshine State.

Sources say the new service will begin as soon as the Airport hires a full-time medievally trained staff.

“No need to worry about multiple engine failures or overpriced baggage fairs since you’ll probably lose your luggage anyway,” explained CHA Airport spokesman Richard Allegianson. “Some passengers may experience even more savings if you land directly in Disney World,”


Chattanooga area young woman takes graduation photos of concealed art in her pants outside of Shooters Depot

While most young women take their graduation outside of Bluff View art district or other Pinterest inspired locations, 26-year-old UTC graduate Shelly Wilson released a new photoshoot of her concealing artwork outside of the recently burned Shooters Depot in Chattanooga. Miss Wilson hopes her unique views will help her picture go viral and cause a stink on all sorts of social networking sites.

“I just want the world to know that I love Satan, shoving artwork in my pants, and hanging outside places that have recently caught fire,” explained Wilson. “I don’t take normal graduation photos, and Shooters Depot did not have a policy on bringing artwork into their store.”

Chattanooga Bystander’s fifth annual Taco and Tequila event receives terrible reviews

To celebrate their fifth anniversary, the Chattanooga Bystander threw it’s annual Taco and Tequila festival, which was met with unsurprisingly terrible reviews.

Sources say once the doors opened, attendees were somehow greeted with long lines, tacos cooked on the ground in short supply, lack of toilet paper in the restrooms, another $80 charge, and subpar face painting.

“I asked for tequila and was given a Gatorade bottle filled with what could possibly be kerosene topped with a rotten lime,” explained attendee Randall Randallson.

“We had a great time and had lots of delicious tacos and tequila,” posted Facebook user Kirk Ravage to the event page.