August 2018

After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography.

Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings.

In a stunning upset, Black came in third in the primary election, despite leading in most polls until Bill Lee’s recent surge, having the endorsement of Vice President Mike Pence, and spending millions of dollars of her own money.

It was not clear if Black’s criticism of pornography was regarding its depiction of fornication, or regarding the decline in quality since the “Golden Age of Porn” in the ’70s.

Sources say that after conceding defeat, Black dropped an ice cream cone she was eating and blamed it on porn.

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time.

“It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate in any of them talkin’ debates,” explained Unopposed supporter, Terry Danker. “Unopposed fights for the real issues, like stopping chemtrails over the Bass Pro Shop and making Riverbend a three-month mandatory event!”

“We have yet to find and close the loophole that allows candidate Unopposed to run for multiple seats at once,” explained Hamilton County Election commision spokeswoman Judy Davis, when asked why this keeps happening.

Sources say candidate Unopposed decided to call all races just as polls were opening.

“I was awoken this morning from a call by candidate Unopposed saying they are conceding the race to me,” explained Tennessee District 30 Democratic candidate Joda Thongnopnua. “Kudos to election officials for quickly removing the checkbox for candidate Unopposed from the ballot.”