March 2019

All 2145 CFC owners vote to switch team to curling

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During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in preperation.

“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.

“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.