Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

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It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.

“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”

“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.

“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”

“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”

Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

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During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club.

“You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you that’s why I am signing an executive order right that that allows me to only send messages about the Red Wolf Soccer.”

Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

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A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.

“Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping, thangruba, we have to find out what the hell is going on,” questioned Trump, as he downed a whole bucket of KFC while passing over the scenic city.

Experts believe Trump will give Thongnopuna one of his signature nicknames. A source close to the president thinks we might be hearing about “Juicy Joda” this evening.

 

Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

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During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe.

Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see the irony in gluttony.

“Mother and I love the idea of two, count em two Golden Corral restaurants within a 15-mile radius of this area,” announced Pence during one of this campaign stops. “Lord willing, I will get a little frisky and dip my head right in that gosh darn chocolate fountain.”

Trump visits Rock City, claims to see nine states

Before his big speech at the McKenzie Arena this evening, acting President Donald J Trump visited local tourist hotspot Rock City, where visitors can look out and hopefully see seven states.

It was reported that while not even using binoculars, Trump was able to see nine states, which is two more than a mortal human being can see. Years ago, President Obama visited Rock City and called bullshit on the whole thing.

“We all know I have best eyes and greatest counting skills, that’s why I saw nine states,” explained Trump to a group of Fox News reporters. “No one sees more states better than me.”

TDOT misspells the rest of onramp signage for Trump’s arrival

In an effort to appeal to Trump during his visit to Chattanooga today, the Tennessee Department of Transportation has announced that all onramp signage will be changed to an alternative spelling of whatever it was originally supposed to say.

Experts believe residents can also look for the popular trump word “covfefe” to make an appearance.

“We all know Trump has the best brain and uses the best words”, explained TDOT engineer Dennis Knight. “Some may have seen we got a jump start on things with “STOP AHAED” earlier this week.”

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga.

Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars from his father’s real estate empire and engaged in dubious tax schemes and fraud according to the New York Times.

Local shutdown agency and decomposition chamber CO.LON will present the seminar to kick off “Shutdown Week,” which comes one week after the annual “Startup Week” series of events.

“Nobody knows bankruptcies better than me,” said Trump. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an 11 when it comes to Chapter 11.”

Great Clips plane offering fly-by haircuts at Riverbend

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In an effort to streamline air advertising and hairstyling services, Great Clips announced its famous Riverbend banner equipt airplane will now fly low enough to deliver haircuts from its propellors.

The company will offer deals on some of its most popular hairstyles, such as the bowl cut and the “may I speak to a manager” style.

“I was able to enjoy live music and receive a trim to my mullet, all from the comfort of my folding chair” explained Riverbend attendee Randy Panker.

So far there has only been one to two decapitations, but experts believe that is the price you must pay for a Great Clip.

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