February 2017

Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie

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After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine.

“I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn. “Ever since I heard that Hugh Jackman would be retiring from the role, I’ve been working out four hours a day and drinking protein shakes with the hope of taking his place. I am freakin’ ripped.”

“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw Grohn’s headshot,” said casting director Tracy Ralnaught. “He’s got that perfect, piercing gaze that epitomizes the dark and complicated character of Wolverine. I mean, just check out that widow’s peak! This is one mean mofo.”

The soon-to-be-released film Logan, the third and final Wolverine solo movie and the tenth X-Men movie, marks the 17th year of Jackman playing Wolverine, a mutant with retractable claws made of the fictional metal alloy Adamantium.

It is uncertain how this acting job might affect Grohn’s civic duties, if he were to win the upcoming Chattanooga mayoral election.

Although Grohn accepted this Wolverine role, he turned down the opportunity to portray “Wolverina,” a re-imagined transgender Wolverine in the X-Men reboot slated for 2019 entitled Ex-Men, saying “Gender is not a choice.”

Southside Social doubles down on dress code, requires tuxedos, gowns

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After receiving overwhelmingly negative feedback regarding its dress code, the bar and bowling alley Southside Social doubled down on its dress code, now requiring all patrons to wear tuxedos and gowns.

“We here at the Southside Social want to keep things classy, so that’s why all customers will be required to wear formal evening wear while they bowl and drink beer,” said Winston Adair Rothchild III, a representative for the Southside Social. “If you don’t like it, then you can take your business elsewhere, you filthy peasants.”

“It’s true that we want a more selective audience,” said Rothchild, who was wearing a silk top hat. “We want to attract people who seek the finer things in life – discriminating consumers, you could say.”

While the dress code was written to reduce the possibility of violence, some people believe that the code went too far by banning many items including backward ball caps, hoodies and oversized chains and could be construed as targeting blacks.

“Southside Social is the place where the grown, sexy and mature crowd goes to party,” said Rothchild, before adjusting his monocle. “When you hear the phrase ‘grown, sexy and mature,’ we want you to think of Southside Social, and not MILF porn.”

Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

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After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”.

Experts believe some new requirements of the dress code, like no baggy clothing, will help relieve some injuries from patrons trying to scale a newly constructed wall around the building, that East Lake will pay for.

“It’s a great new dress code, really terrific. No more having to look at people play skeeball dressed like the Village People, I can tell you this,” explained President Trump while looking to a table with 30 copies of the new Southside Social dress code. ”

 

 

 

 

Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

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After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke.

Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson with the homework in question, but are left troubled by a grade of C-.

“As you can clearly see, Councilman Grohn clearly has his mind set on other things since his handwriting is all over this homework,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, while holding up Algebra homework that was graded as C-. “How can we trust a man who can’t even help his grandson achieve at least an A- to lead our dear city?”