June 2019

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.

“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”

Riverbend influence is seen at Bonnaroo as stages are raised 50 feet into the air

As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.

Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.

“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”

Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.