January 2018

Amazon passes up East Ridge for HQ2

After much deliberation by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, it was unfortunately announced that East Ridge would not be on the list to get Amazon’s second headquarters.

The heartbreaking news was delivered by East Ridge Mayor Earl Ridge to its citizens as they tearfully retreated into the cities variety of pawn shops, title pawn shops, adult stores, and abandoned buildings.

“The thought of being within a mile or so of Bass Pro shop, fast food chain restaurants, and a park that constantly floods sounds fantastic, but we have decided to pass on building HQ2 in East Ridge at this time,” explained Bezos in a call to Mayor Ridge. “We will keep you in mind when we reach HQ643523 or so.”

Local upscale supper club to offer artisanal hand jobs

A popular, local supper club just took the Chattanooga dining experience to the next level with its announcement that its next meal, limited to 20 diners charged $995 each, would include a hand job administered during the final dessert course.

“I got the idea for the artisanal hand job after hearing a person balk at the price of a previous supper club experience,” said Chef Kelly Ristmussen, the founder of the Conspicuous Consumption Supper Club (CCSC), at a press conference. “The person said, jokingly, ‘For that price, this meal better include a hand job.'”

“Then I thought, ‘Why not?'” said Ristmussen. “We can make this happen in the Gig City, with our ‘Can Do’ attitude. Beat that, Scenic City Supper Club.”

No expense will be spared for the upcoming meal, which will feature a distinguished 19-course meal, including dishes such as braised quail uvulas with a pickled placenta chutney and a blood orange sauce, made using a reduction of Bourbon barrel-aged Appalachian dip cup froth and fresh-squeezed marionberry juice.

Another of Chef Ristmussen’s creations uses roasted jackfruit that has been regurgitated by angry civets, drizzled with Hungarian bone marrow butter and specks of radioactive platinum, and the main course will be creamed cocottes prepared with a modified sous vide method that uses ostrich bladders instead of plastic bags.

However, Ristmussen has saved the best for last: a truly artisanal hand job for both men and women.

“The exquisite hand job we will offer will be an extraordinary sensual experience, far beyond some sleazy lap dance at Diamonds and Lace,” said Ristmussen. “Our skilled hand artists have been trained at some of the finest rub-and-tug institutes around the world.”

Ristmussen described how each hand artist will wear gloves made from 9th century Chinese silk from the Tang dynasty, and at completion, each diner’s drippings will be captured in a special cashmere handcloth, personally embroidered with the diner’s initials.

“Everyone loves a happy ending,” said Chef Ristmussen. “This isn’t just ‘farm-to-table,’ it’s ‘farm-to-table-to-trousers,’ and truly, we’re here to turn organic dining into orgasmic dining.”

Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”


At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.”

“Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the sound of a disruptive re-branding!”

“Whenever there’s something, like the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, that makes lots of money and isn’t easily understood, people think it’s sexy,” said Berke. “Just like me. Andy Bitcoin. Boom!”

Berke’s name change comes at a time when cryptocurrencies based on blockchain technology like Bitcoin have captured the public’s attention, and several businesses have begun to take advantage of this, including the company Long Island Iced Tea Corp. which changed its name to Long Blockchain Corp.

“You see, with the Innovation District, I simply re-named an area of town that already had a high concentration of innovative companies and facilities, like EPB, the Public Library and the Edney Building,” said Berke. “Similarly, with my new name, I’m riding high on an already existing giant wave, just like I rode in here on this sick hoverboard.”

“People ask, is this growth sustainable? How high will rent prices get?” said Berke. “All I know is that it’s unstoppable, just like me! Just like a big bubble that keeps growing and growing.”