September 2013

Mayor Berke upset that Obama stopped “Liking” his Facebook posts

Mayor Andy Berke
Mayor Andy Berke

Eight weeks after President Obama’s trip to Chattanooga to visit the Amazon fulfillment center, Mayor Andy Berke expressed disappointment that Obama has apparently stopped “Liking” his posts on the Facebook social network.

“I don’t understand it,” said Berke, getting choked up while attempting to remain composed. “I thought we really hit it off, during that presidential limo ride together from the airport to the Amazon facility.”

“We had a great conversation. We talked about how crazy and awesome that new Kanye West album is,” said Berke. “Then we chatted about the new season of Arrested Development, and he told me about a bunch of obscure jokes and references on the show that I didn’t get upon first viewing.”

“It blew my mind,” said Berke.

Berke said that soon after the visit, he sent a “Friend” request to Obama on Facebook, which was accepted within minutes.

“For those first few weeks, Barack liked almost everything I posted to Facebook,” said Berke. “Selfies, Grumpy Cat pics, that weird video where they removed all the music from that Miley Cyrus video.”

Berke noticed that Obama gradually began to “Like” fewer and fewer posts, until there was practically no online interaction on Facebook, to his dismay.

“Yesterday I posted a clip from The Big Lebowski that I know Barack loves,” said Berke. “Nothing. I even tagged him in the post.”

“I was thinking that we should try to get Amazon to open up another facility here in Chattanooga, so that Barack can come visit again,” said Berke, with hope.

Human altar sacrifices becoming popular among area high school football coaches

The warmth of the hot Friday night lights isn’t the only heat one may soon feel during a local weekly high school Football game. Area High School Football coaches are upping the ante in pre-game rituals by performing human altar sacrifices in hopes to come out on top.

footballsacrificeRecent polls have shown that many coaches and players are turning to pre game prayer for the Lord God to bless them with a big win over the opposing team. According to local assistant coach Jim Standifer, sometimes prayer just isn’t enough.

“After losing our first few games of the season, we questioned if locker room prayer was truly helping,” said Standifer, while lighting a bundle of kindle for use as a torch. “We hope The Lord almighty will accept our human sacrifice of fullback number 23: Matthew Lewis, and bestow upon us a win over our arch rivals this Friday.”

Parents and fans of many local football teams believe prayer and sacrifices are still not enough. Some are calling for the construction of biblical temples in end zones and player’s helmets display a copy of the 10 commandments.

“If it comes down to it, we’re not above slaughtering a string of first born Quarterbacks,” exclaimed Standifer.

Bearded hipster community tapped for Civil War reenactment

Left: Bearded hipster (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license, source: Right: Civil War soldiers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license, source:
Left: Bearded hipster (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license, source: Right: Civil War soldiers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license, source:

Local historian Lester Goggin, one of the head organizers of the reenactment of the American Civil War Battle of Chickamauga, scheduled to commemorate its 150th anniversary, was facing a crisis several weeks ago.

“We were looking at the number of participants, and we were nowhere close to having enough authentic-looking reenactors to properly stage the Battle of Chickamauga,” said Goggin, speaking of the event that will be held this weekend at Mountain Cove Farms in Chickamauga, GA.

“The unusually low participation rate among the local bearded community was totally unexpected,” said Goggin. “Apparently, much of our base this season is either following around ZZ Top on their latest tour or engaged in intense Duck Dynasty viewing marathons.”

Then, Goggin got an idea while walking past the Flying Squirrel Bar one evening, which changed everything.

“I saw this young man standing outside smoking a cigarette, with an outrageous beard, wearing skinny jeans, plastic neon-green rimmed sunglasses and a trucker cap that had a rebel flag and the words ‘Heritage not hate’ on it,” said Goggin. “There were dozens more like him inside.”

“At first, I thought, ‘What a douche,'” said Goggin. “Then I thought, ‘These hipsters just might be the solution to our Civil War reenactment problem.'”

With the promise of free Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Goggin recruited around twenty bearded hipsters for the Battle of Chickamauga reenactment before encountering another problem: word spread quickly on Facebook and Tumblr that doing Civil War reenactments was becoming too mainstream.

“I had to think fast and not lose this pool of hipsters,” said Goggin. “So, I planted the idea that although doing Civil War reenactments was becoming mainstream, a hipster could do it ironically and still keep his hipster cred.”

It worked, and Goggin was able to successfully recruit thousands of local bearded hipsters for this weekend’s reenactment.

“They’re fine with wearing the uniforms, running around with bayonets and speaking with ridiculous southern drawls,” said Goggin. “Now, the only problem I have is keeping them from looking at their damn smartphones all the time.”

BREAKING: EPB announces free dial up internet service for 4th anniversary.


epb4In celebration of their 4th year of providing world renowned Internet service, EPB officials announced they will begin offering 56k dial up, free of charge.

“We are using our state of the art smart grid technology to ensure every customer has unprecedented access to our wonderful new dial up internet service,” explained EPB spokesman John Pless. “We believe this to be some next level shit for what the Gig City has to offer.”

EPB also announced for the 4 year celebration an additional free email account for internet subscribers and RFDTV in high definition for the Fi TV lineup.


Eastgate Town Center to add indoor landfill

3227666790_dfdb0b5ee2A spokesman for the Eastgate Town Center announced today the facility will become home for a new large scale landfill for disposing waste from local Chattanooga trash services. Eastgate Town Center, formerly known as Eastgate Mall, is a one million plus square foot facility that officials believe will be “ideal” for housing waste running over from existing Chattanooga landfills.

“Why not cut the shit and officially call a dump a dump,” said Eastgate spokesman Jerry Nelson. “Will mixing the existing smell of shitty diapers and rotting food with more of the same be such a big deal?”

City officials hope to create 50 more jobs with the new project. A majority of hires will come from ITT tech grads and lost mall walkers.

“I think there’s a call center, insurance folks, and a clothing store or something still in this place,” said Nelson. “I doubt they’ll really notice the stench over the existing stench.”

R. Kelly to debut new album “Black Depends” about senior fetish at Track 29

R. Kelly (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
R. Kelly (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

R&B singer and recording artist R. Kelly has announced that next month, at the Chattanooga venue Track 29, he will debut his new album, Black Depends, by performing it in its entirety.

The controversial, court-embattled singer is known for his intense fetishes for elderly women and urolagnia, which are the two passions combined on his upcoming twelfth studio album, Black Depends, which takes its name from the absorbent undergarment.

Kelly is one of the most successful R&B artists of the last two decades, having sold over 54 million albums worldwide, and in 1994, the shocking news was revealed that Kelly had wed poet Maya Angelou, although the marriage was annulled soon afterwards.

Black Depends will feature fourteen new tracks, including “Assisted Loving,” “Gin and Prune Juice,” “GILF Hunter” and “Ride Me Like A Rascal.”

Taco Bell introduces “Burger Taco” to Chattanooga test market

Taco Bell's new "Burger Taco" (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source, left photo:
Taco Bell’s new “Burger Taco” (Left photo used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

One month ago, the fast food Tex-Mex restaurant Taco Bell introduced a breakfast taco, consisting of a U-shaped waffle filled with eggs and sausage, to test markets including Chattanooga, and now, in a similar manner, it has unveiled a new product in the Scenic City.

The new menu item, called the Burger Taco, is currently available city-wide, and it features a new twist on a familiar favorite.

“First, we take a fluffy bun made of harina blanca, and add a carne picada patty,” said Taco Bell spokesperson Sally Mittelvander. “Top it with lettuce, cheese and salsa catsup, and you’ve got the Burger Taco.”

“Oh, who are we kidding?” said Mittelvander. “It is just a regular hamburger, but folded in half.”

“After the Breakfast Taco, we have given up on even trying to have any reasonable semblance of Mexican cuisine in our menu items,” said Mittelvander. “It hardly matters, though, since the public will pretty much buy anything we put out there, no matter how insulting, ridiculous or disgusting.”

Mittelvander mentioned plans for a “Dessert Burrito,” consisting of tapioca pudding and gummi bears enclosed in a fruit roll-up.


LAZYMAN Chattanooga sells out in two minutes


lazy-man-300x199LAZYMAN Chattanooga spots sold out in two minutes after registration opened around 11:00 am this morning.

LAZYMAN, which is the common man’s answer to the Ironman triathlon, is the first of its kind for the scenic city.

The prize purse for the event will include a $35 dollar gift certificate to Ryan’s Steakhouse and a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Chattanooga’s own Dennis Haskins.

Activities for LAZYMAN will include: a 26.2-mile ride in a Ford Aerostar, a sponge bath and a 10 minute quiet session to think about purchasing a bike.

The event will take place sometime in September of 2014, if weather permits.

BREAKING: Lake Winnepesaukah Announces Partnership with Six Flags Over Georgia for World’s Longest Water Park


sixflagslakeDuring a press conference this morning at Lake Winnepesaukah’s “Wet Spot” location of Soak Ya, a representative from the amusement park announced a partnership with Six Flags to build the world’s longest waterpark.  The announcement came just a few days after Six Flags Over Georgia unveiled plans to open its own water park in 2014.

The joint water park will span a total of 120 miles from Rossville to Atlanta and feature many slides, lazy rivers and sewage system plunges, and entrance to the park can be accessed from either existing location.

Six Flags season pass holders can gain access to the park for a $10 upgrade to their season pass, and Lake Winnepesaukah visitors can upgrade their normal day pass for $750 for access.

Officials from the state of Georgia said the new water park will replace any plans for a bullet train from Chattanooga to Atlanta.

“It might be slower, but what beats a lazy river?” said a Georgia representative.