April 2013

Mayor Berke takes diversity to next level by hiring Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein

Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
Diversity hands (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/av1aCV)
As Mayor Andy Berke continues to fill vacant positions in his administration, so far City Council members and constituents have praised the choices for their quality, expertise and diversity.

Leaving a crowd of reporters and Chattanooga residents in slack-jawed amazement, at a press conference yesterday afternoon Berke announced the appointment of Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein, which took his diversity game to a whole ‘nother level.

“BOOM!” said Mayor Berke while throwing a fistful of glitter into the air, after introducing the new director of Diversity and Inclusion, who entered the stage in a wheelchair. “Did I just DIVERSI-BLAST you?”

“Ms. Shanice Tallchief-Goldstein will make a great team member, drawing from her experience as a wounded Iraq War veteran, principal chief of the Osage Tribe, director of the Anti-Defamation League, chairman of the NAACP, Japanese kabuki actress and winner of the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, which are just a few items from her impressive résumé,” said Berke.

“This one person represents 72 different minorities. Seriously, she is like freakin’ Cirque du Soleil and every single ad for the United Colors of Benetton wrapped up into one,” continued Berke.

Council members commended Berke’s appointment, including District 6 councilwoman Carol Berz, who said, “Berke just threw down, hardcore. This is some next level shit. It’s like he got his administration re-upholstered.”

Hamilton County Grand Jury recommends legalizing pot for those on jury duty

Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)
Cannabis plant (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dxsNDZ)
Earlier this week, the Hamilton County Grand Jury, consisting of randomly selected residents who serve a four-month term, released its Concurrent and Regular Grand Jury Reports containing observations and recommendations for the Hamilton County Criminal Court.

Among the comments, such as those pointing out that “educational programs that are provided for the [Silverdale Detention Facility] inmates are essential” and that “law enforcement as well as correctional officers…seemed more than just a little over weight,” was one suggestion that has been gaining a lot of attention locally over the last few days: legalizing small amounts of marijuana for those on jury duty.

Last year, Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana for recreational use, although this is in conflict with federal laws, which still classify cannabis as an illegal controlled substance.

The Grand Jury reports explained that jury duty is a long, often demanding service, with juries seeing typically between 500 and 600 cases in a term, several of which involve intense and disturbing circumstances involving homicide or rape.

Legalizing marijuana in small amounts for jury members would allow them to “take the edge off” of the often stressful jury duty service, allowing them to think more clearly and see more acutely with their mind’s eyes.

Just “one big-ass bowl of some primo Acapulco Gold” would be sufficient for the entire jury, according to the reports.

The reports also recommended that the Hamilton County Court System should provide to the jury each day either a case of Krystal burgers or crunchy Taco Bell tacos, in case the jury got the munchies.

Chattanooga brothel was front for hypnosis clinic: “We will not tolerate hypnosis” says Police Chief

A hypnotist (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6tKy9a)
A hypnotist (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6tKy9a)
Chattanooga Police cracked down yesterday on a local brothel that was discovered to actually be a front for an illegal hypnosis clinic, as part of a sting operation by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation working in conjunction with local officers.

“We will not tolerate hypnosis in this city,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Stanley Molloney at a press conference yesterday afternoon, to a crowd of local residents and reporters.

“Not on my watch,” said Molloney, receiving cheers and applause.

Residents who live near the brothel, called Madame Chlamydia’s Discount House of Pleasure and Snack Bar, expressed shock and amazement that the establishment offered illegal services such as hypnotherapy and acupressure, instead of the expected acts of commercial fornication.

In an early morning raid, officers forced their way into the brothel, discovering dozens of rooms, each of which contained a bald, middle-aged Austrian doctor swinging a brass pocket-watch back and forth like a pendulum over a bleary-eyed client reclining on a chaise longue.

“I swear, I was just about to suck him off,” said one doctor, a runaway from Salzburg, who attempted to obscure his face with his tweed jacket with elbow patches, as he was being led out of the building in handcuffs by policemen.

“For heaven’s sake, my children go to school just one block away from here,” said resident Samantha Alisarin. “And to think, people were being hypnotized in there, and not getting a good old American hand job or something.”

TFP’s Harrison Keely Voted Sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Screen_shot_2011-02-26_at_12.35.33_AM_t300  In a poll taken by the Chattanooga Board of the web, Chattanooga Times Free Press social media manager Harrison Keely was voted sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Keely, who has been known in recent months for his weekly news updates via the Times Free Press webpage, won by a unanimous decision.

“It was pretty much a landslide,” said Chattanooga Board of the web spokesmen Peter Howell. “The guy is a natural panty dropper. When that goatee and those rosy cheeks hit your computer screen each morning, it’s   quite difficult to refrain from going into sexy convulsions.”

Keely joins the ever-growing prestigious list of sexiest Internet Chattanoogans, such as the correctional officer who botched the National Anthem and failed Congressional hopeful Weston Wamp.

“I like to think that he’s out all night romancing the ladies in a maroon or blue shirt, sports coat, and striped tie.” Said Chattanooga Board poll voter cougarlookouts69. “I can smell the sweat and sexy oozing off of him  from the previous night and into his webcam.”

Before this article, Mr Keely has not been notified of his victory. On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander staff, Congratulations Harrison, you did it!


 photo taken from Chattanooga Times Free Press

Corey Smith to debut new song “Firefighters Are Pussies” at Track 29

Corey Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9tpCKt)
Corey Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9tpCKt)

Country-rock singer/songwriter Corey Smith and Chattanooga music venue Track 29 had a rocky start to their relationship, with his September 2, 2011 show being cut short after Smith began to play his controversial fan-favorite “F-ck the Po-Po” despite being asked before the show by the venue owners to not play that song.

Soon afterward, Smith penned a new track entitled “Chattanooga” about the incident, but since then Smith and Track 29 have buried the hatchet, with Smith even returning to Track 29 for a second performance one year after his first and releasing the concert as the album Live in Chattanooga.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Smith announced that he would make a third appearance this summer at Track 29 to debut several new songs, including the track “Firefighters Are Pussies.”

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that any controversy is long behind us,” said Smith. “I am proud of these new songs, and I believe that Track 29 is the perfect venue for me to present them to the world.”

When asked about the song “Firefighters Are Pussies,” Smith said, “I have nothing but respect for the good, honest, hard-working firefighters who protect us and save lives. But when I was eleven years old, I had a run-in with one bad apple, who took away my sparklers and bottle rockets at a Fourth-of-July barbecue.”

“He was a pussy,” Smith added.

“Firefighters Are Pussies” will be the first single off Smith’s upcoming album, entitled 9/11 Was an Inside Job, which will include other tracks such as “The Moon Landing Was Faked,” “Charles Manson Was a Spy for the F.B.I.” and “Joe Biden Was Born in Canada.”

This article is satire and fictional.

Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment Center Announces “Come and Get Your Shit” Option

Due to popular public demand, the Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment center has announced plans for a “come and get your shit” option.

During checkout of an Amazon.com order, a new option to “pick up my shit today” will become available, based on your proximity to the Chattanooga fulfillment center. After payment is finalized, customers must commute to the corner of Volkswagen and Bonny Oaks Drive.  From there, customers are able to retrieve their order from a large Amazon.com labeled container that will house thousands of other customer orders. Amazon Prime members are given the free option to have their order thrown into a separate container that is sheltered from the elements.

Critics pan the plan by saying the steps to retrieve ones order seems like a massive pain in the ass, but praise the idea for creating new jobs in the Chattanooga area, especially after the massive layoffs in other sectors.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that will come from this new Amazon.com venture in the Chattanooga market,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “This will create hundreds of new jobs with the need for new people to haul and throw shit into a large container.”

“This is a great way for Amazon to offset some of the costs we endure from offering free shipping,” said Chattanooga Amazon fulfillment center supervisor Chuck Shills. “After millions of shipping labels are used, that shit adds up!  The need for pricy labels is negated as the customers name is written directly on the cardboard box with a black marker.”

“We believe this is a great option for customers who want the famous fast Amazon.com delivery times,” said Bezos, “but can’t stand to wait for their Mumford and Sons LP or oversized strap-on to arrive.”



Photo courtesy of the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce

Staff of Congressman Chuck Fleischmann Issues Statement about Viral Video

5-3-2012 Fleischmann image 2_HomePageSlideshow


taken from chuckforcongess.com

A video making its rounds on the Internet of Tennessee Third District Congressman Chuck Fleischmann, has led to a public statement released by his staff. The video, taken by YouTube user “Dave C”, includes the YouTube user asking Mr. Fleischmann his thoughts about CISPA. CISPA, or Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act would make it easier for the government to collect personal information from private corporations. The video in question can be seen here: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upjCuHB_3uU).

Statement as seen below:

From the Office of Chuck Fleischmann:

As many of you know, our boss Chucky aka Fleischmaster Flash aka Congressman Chuck Fleishmann, has been portrayed in a recent “internet” video as a man who simply does not care about the issues of the Tennessee people. I can assure you, nothing is further from the truth. Three simple words can sum up the congressmen’s actions in the video: Irritable bowel syndrome. Irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS, affects rough fifty-five million Americans living today, and is associated with a condition involving recurrent abdominal pain, random diarrhea, and painful constipation. The Congressman was simply having an “IBS flare-up” and had to rush to the nearest restroom facilities. In this case, the office of the Electric Power Board was the closest place to unload it. Reading such abominable comments towards the IBS suffering congressman is not only vexing, but down right despicable. How about you fucking imagine the feeling you would get of having a camera shoved in your face, while the threat of an emergency splattering shit lingers inside you. We hope this incident can be put behind us and the congressman looks forward to serving the fine people of Tennessee in the future.

And fuck you Mr. “Dave C”. Next time, hold the fucking camera long ways.

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana


After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.


Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

New City Council makes bombing illegal

City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)
City of Chattanooga Seal in Manhole Cover form (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/C3Py)

The new Chattanooga City Council was praised for its quick, decisive action to make the act of bombing within city limits illegal, in the wake of the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing, when it was discovered today that it had been legal.

“Previous City Councils had totally dropped the ball on this,” said Councilman Ken Smith, standing over a huge, dusty book the size of an unabridged dictionary. “Before today, there was nothing in the rulebook that said you can’t make an improvised explosive device and detonate it within the city of Chattanooga.”

Within the span of one minute, the City Council deliberated the issue, drafted the new ordinance’s text and approved it unanimously, beating the previous record set when the business of fortunetelling using clairvoyance, necromancy or phrenology was made unlawful in 1986 (City Code Chapter 25, Section 25-9) in two minutes.

An additional six minutes were required for the City Council hunchback scribe, Lothar Silverbeard, to write the new ordinance in calligraphy in the official City Code tome.

“Also, there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that a chimpanzee in a clown suit riding a tiny motorcycle can’t run for public office, so we need to work on that next,” said Smith.

D-Dawg’s Guide to Chattown: Foodtrucks



photo taken from google.com

So apparently the new “big thing” in C-town is “trucks” that have food in them. First of all, when I think of trucks, I think of Ford 150’s.  These are more like moving vans that have windows chainsawed into em. It would be pretty badass to have some dude slingin’ burgers in the back of a F150. That dude would most def get some of my hard earned ca$h

When coming in contact with these food trucks, ya notice one thing is missing. Where the fuck is the Taco Bell food truck? Come on C-town, ya gotta support the TB. I get it that supporting local business is good for the economy and yadda yadda (Seinfeld), but da masters of the fourth meal gotta represent.

While me and some bros were shootin some a-noon pool late last week at the CBC, we noticed out the window dat a circle of food trucks were up in this bitch. That kinda sucks that this place could have made a great place for sum more parking. Easier access to local faves like da Taco Mac or the R&B to catch a Dave cover band is severely needed. I hope the new mayor fixes this shit ASAP.

In closing, food trucks are a good place to grab a quick bite if you want to eat food out of a fucking truck. It’s gonna be hot up in that bitch, so you’ll probably taste some sweat.


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