Just moments after voting against making Juneteenth a national holiday, the Republican representative from Tennessee’s 4th District, Scott DesJarlais, proposed a holiday celebrating secret abortions you forced your mistresses to get after proclaiming to be pro-life in public.
“You think slavery was rough? Try secretly wiring 2 or 3 mistresses money to pay for an abortion, wowzers!” exclaimed DesJarlais, while wiping his bald noggin with pages from the bible.
After her loss in the mayoral race to businessman Tim Kelly, Kim White announced she will be repaying her top donors back in the form of guarding their local crosswalk at Lookout Mountain Elementary School.
A reporter with the Chattanooga Bystander caught up with Mrs. White as she was directing traffic at the school this morning.
“I am making good with my wonderful donors by (interrupted by a car going 25 miles per hour) SIR THIS IS A SCHOOL ZONE, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!”, explained White, while chasing down a 2021 Black Land Cruiser.
Experts believe Mayor Kelly narrowly escaped the same fate, but on an opposite mountain.
Just hours after concert organizers announced the yearly Christian music festival JFEST was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Dark Lord and ruler of Hell Satan announced plans to replace the gathering with his very own SFEST.
Experts believe the announcement comes after a multi-century battle of good vs evil.
“While Jehovah’s plans have been foiled once again, the ground will open and the gates of hell will rise upon the Tennessee Riverpark and SFEST will reign supreme,” explained Satan, while releasing a belly laugh full of fire and brimstone. “The fires of Hell are just hot enough to burn away the Coronavirus, and be sure to purchase a keepsake SFEST pentagram koozie from one of my demons in the merch tent.”
While many people across the country are taking to the streets protesting state and city-mandated stay at home orders, Chattanooga woman Sally Thanderfield is doing her part by only providing an “angry” reaction to every video post that Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has made.
Many residents have criticized the Mayor for what they believe are infringements on their constitutional rights by not allowing them to gather in large places and lick public doorknobs.
We spoke with Sally Thanderfield, who internet freedom activists are calling a hero for her willingness and preparedness to always send red angry face reactions whenever Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke is providing an update to constituents via social media video.
“He is saying my salon cannot reopen when he probably knows damn well my perm has gone to hell,” explained Mrs. Thanderfield, while shuffling a mask around her face. “My truck is out of gas and I was told I can get the corona from gas pumps, so take my angry reaction Mayor Andy Buttke!”
After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears.
Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named, he will receive an atomic wedgie when he returns to whatever douchebag generating school he returns to.
After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on bike lanes more than they usually would.
“Commuters will be advised to take alternative routes, such as driving thru the Tennesee River or by parachuting from a passing plane,” explained a City of Chattanooga transportation department spokesman. “We hope to have every street reopened in about six months after Riverbend ends, just to keep things a nice pain in the ass.”
After an airline known for its low-cost direct flights from Chattanooga to Flordia came under scrutiny for having a high number of in-flight breakdowns, a representative from the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport announced new and safer direct catapult flights from the Gig City to the Sunshine State.
Sources say the new service will begin as soon as the Airport hires a full-time medievally trained staff.
“No need to worry about multiple engine failures or overpriced baggage fairs since you’ll probably lose your luggage anyway,” explained CHA Airport spokesman Richard Allegianson. “Some passengers may experience even more savings if you land directly in Disney World,”
While most young women take their graduation outside of Bluff View art district or other Pinterest inspired locations, 26-year-old UTC graduate Shelly Wilson released a new photoshoot of her concealing artwork outside of the recently burned Shooters Depot in Chattanooga. Miss Wilson hopes her unique views will help her picture go viral and cause a stink on all sorts of social networking sites.
“I just want the world to know that I love Satan, shoving artwork in my pants, and hanging outside places that have recently caught fire,” explained Wilson. “I don’t take normal graduation photos, and Shooters Depot did not have a policy on bringing artwork into their store.”
To celebrate their fifth anniversary, the Chattanooga Bystander threw it’s annual Taco and Tequila festival, which was met with unsurprisingly terrible reviews.
Sources say once the doors opened, attendees were somehow greeted with long lines, tacos cooked on the ground in short supply, lack of toilet paper in the restrooms, another $80 charge, and subpar face painting.
“I asked for tequila and was given a Gatorade bottle filled with what could possibly be kerosene topped with a rotten lime,” explained attendee Randall Randallson.
“We had a great time and had lots of delicious tacos and tequila,” posted Facebook user Kirk Ravage to the event page.
Citing a lack of authenticity in the area, famous restaurant chain O’Charley’s announced it will a do a restaurant takeover of multiple downtown eateries for tonight’s Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations. Patrons will see HIP spots such as the Honest Pint and Bitter Alibi have their menus wholly taken over with O’Charley’s items for tonight.
“We really do fail in comparison to the real spirit of the Irish that is O’Charley’s,” explained Honest Pint owner Pat O’Honestman.
“You can now drunkenly stumble to any downtown restaurant for some delicious potato soup, chicken fingers, or Irish favorite Coors Lite,” exclaimed O’Charley’s master of ceremonies Todd O’Irish.”