January 2015

New museum to document struggle to open Chattanooga History Center


Screen capture of Chattanooga History Center website in 2012
Screen capture of Chattanooga History Center website in 2012
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that a new museum would open in Chattanooga next month that would tell the story of the struggle to complete the yet-to-be-opened Chattanooga History Center.

The new museum, called the Chattanooga History Center Center (CHCC), will document the ups and downs of the grueling, long-drawn-out ordeal to finance, build and open the new Chattanooga History Center that has been going on since 2009.

According to the Times Free Press, the updated Chattanooga History Center, located near the Tennessee Aquarium, was slated to open in 2012, but the opening date has been delayed several times and is now unknown, with current efforts seeking an additional $3.2 million in financing, above the initial $10.5 million goal.

“Visitors to the CHCC will be captivated by the tale of a true, modern-day epic struggle of a museum that is making history, literally,” said CHCC spokesperson Allyson Wheadin.

While the Chattanooga History Center has hired the prestigious and costly New York-based Ralph Appelbaum Associates for $1.86 million for exhibits that have yet to be made, the CHCC employed local sources for design and construction, resulting in a museum that was created ahead of schedule and under-budget.

Like the Chattanooga History Center, the CHCC hired actor and former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson to provide narration for exhibits.

At the entrance of the CHCC, visitors will be greeted by the voice of Jackson saying, “The Chattanooga History Center: when will this motherf-cking museum finally be open?”

Commuter waterslide to link downtown, Enterprise South


Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Chattanooga city officials announced at a press conference this afternoon that the city would pursue plans to create a giant commuter waterslide, connecting downtown and the Enterprise South industrial park.

“Once again, Chattanooga is leading the way,” said Chattanooga Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “It’s a safe, economical and green method of transportation that just makes sense, in this day and age.”

“Downtown residents can get to and from work without using a car, and what’s more fun than a waterslide?” said Hearrin.

Hearrin mentioned that the inspiration for the idea of a commuter waterslide came after hearing about the “Slide the City” event scheduled for July 25, which will convert over 1,000 feet of Chattanooga’s downtown streets into a giant waterslide.

“Screw light rail,” said Hearrin. “Buses and cars can go bite a dick. Waterslides are where it’s at.”

New billionaire Gov. Haslam to splurge on new black leather jacket

Gov. Bill Haslam (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)
Gov. Bill Haslam (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)

After seeing his fortune double to make him a new billionaire in the last few months, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced today at a press conference that he was going to make a splurge purchase on a new black leather jacket.

“My fellow Americans, the time is right for me to own a new, sweet-ass black leather jacket,” said Haslam. “Before, I was going to wait and ask for it for my birthday, but my wife Crissy said to me, ‘Billy, treat yourself. You deserve it.'”

Forbes magazine estimated that Haslam’s net worth grew from $980 million in August to around $2 billion, due to his stake in the truck stop chain Pilot Flying J, making him the richest politician in the U.S.A.

“It is true that I already have a leather jacket that I bought from an ad in one of those Sunday paper supplements for $59,” said Haslam. “Sadly, though, I couldn’t tell from the picture in the ad that the leather material is actually made up of many small irregularly sized scraps sewn together.”

“That’s why it was only $59,” said Haslam.

Haslam announced that he plans on going to the Banana Republic store at the Hamilton Place Mall this Saturday evening to purchase a moto-style leather jacket for around $450, before going to the Golden Corral buffet for dinner at 7 p.m. to show off his purchase.

“Crissy and I usually hit the early bird special there, but not this Saturday, because, doggone it, I’m worth it,” said Haslam.

Obama calls Chattanooga “One of the best places to check email.”


Citing the area’s Gigabit per second internet speed, President Obama named Chattanooga one of the best places to check email in the country. Obama name dropped the city during speeches and YouTube videos posted during the last few days.

obamasmug“The folks in Chattanooga, Tennesse know what’s up with their blazing fast Internet speeds, in which to check my email,” explained President Obama. “I was able to obtain my daily email briefings from congress and the days Cost Plus/World Market coupons within milliseconds during my visit last year.”

Utilities ask co-workers, strangers to cuddle during Arctic Blast to save energy

Cuddling (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/qidrut)
Cuddling (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/qidrut)

With temperatures in the Chattanooga area dropping below 20 degrees this week, local utilities have asked customers to curb power usage through a variety of methods, including cuddling with family, friends, co-workers and strangers whenever possible to conserve heat.

The “Arctic Blast” will result in a high demand for power on Thursday, and utilities have recommended that customers turn down their thermostats in residences and businesses and snuggle with all willing people and animals in the vicinity to stay warm.

“Whether it’s with your co-workers in a meeting, or with strangers in line at the post office, cuddling is an effective way to beat the freezing temperatures and stay cozy,” said EPB spokesperson Jo Herbstzeit.

Herbstzeit stressed that all cuddling should be completely consensual, and she mentioned that customers can pick up “Free Hugs” signs at the downtown EPB office today, at no cost.

“Cuddling can be a great team-building exercise at work,” said Herbstzeit. “And it’s a great way to make new friends. How wonderful would it be to go to your local department of motor vehicles and see what looks like a scene from the movie Caligula but with an all-Eskimo cast?”

“Escape from Dalton Experience” coming soon

Escape from Dalton Experience
Escape from Dalton Experience

Following the success of the new Escape Experience Chattanooga attraction, where a group of two to six people is challenged to find clues and solve puzzles in order to escape a room within 60 minutes, it has been announced that an “Escape from Dalton Experience” will come soon to Chattanooga.

The census bureau recently ranked Dalton, Georgia, as the least educated city in the South and the second least educated city in the entire nation.

“This is like no other ‘Escape Experience’ in the world,” said Escape from Dalton Experience spokesperson Tessie Wyliecorn. “Here’s the scenario: you and your team members are teenagers in Dalton and have to figure out how to get a quality education and land an out-of-town job so you can get the hell out, before you are doomed to work in a carpet factory and live in a trailer park in a loveless marriage with your meth-addicted spouse, in a town where everything closes at 5 PM so there’s nothing to do but drink and shoot holes in highway signs.”

“Some can’t even manage to get that soul-crushing carpet factory job, because of the lack of jobs,” said Wyliecorn.

It was reported that Dalton’s unemployment rate fell recently, but unfortunately it was because the workforce shrank rather than jobs being created.

“We’ve come up with some terrifying escape scenarios before, like being trapped in a flooded prison with homicidal maniacs during a zombie apocalypse, or having to escape Guantanamo Bay which has been taken over by blood-thirsty aliens, or fleeing an excruciating sing-along screening of Frozen surrounded by two hundred sugar-crazed little girls while dressed as Elsa,” said Wyliecorn. “But none is as terrifying as our new ‘Escape from Dalton Experience.'”