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The LP, “Hollerin’ at Bitches from a Tree” from the local Chattanooga Boys Choir failed to snag best album at the 2015 Grammy awards last night. 
“These boys work so hard to scale a fake tree every year and holler at some bitches, “exclaimed Chattanooga Boys Choir director Terry Francisco. “It was a sad day to explain to these poor kids we lost to a scientologist who obviously has never hollered at any bitches, let alone from a tree.”
Citing the area’s Gigabit per second internet speed, President Obama named Chattanooga one of the best places to check email in the country. Obama name dropped the city during speeches and YouTube videos posted during the last few days.
“The folks in Chattanooga, Tennesse know what’s up with their blazing fast Internet speeds, in which to check my email,” explained President Obama. “I was able to obtain my daily email briefings from congress and the days Cost Plus/World Market coupons within milliseconds during my visit last year.”
Due to the opening of popular hipster clothing stores Anthropology and J Crew, officials from Warehouse Row announced the mall will begin opening at 5 am to accommodate the influx of elderly mall walkers, who will no doubt be of the hipster persuasion.
“While we welcome our new early risers,” said Warehouse Row spokesmen Shirley Thompson, “no plans are in place to open a Hardees or Golden Corral.”
Officials believe new kiosks of gluten free Branch’s candy will attract new elderly hipster mall walkers, who will hang around and reminisce about Bob Hope, before he was popular.
After two solid weeks of violence and murder in the Tennessee Valley, Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced plans to hire 
new internet sensation and Craigslist Frisbee advocate HecKtor Dangus (not his real name) to stop future outbreaks.
“We believe Mr Dangus (not his real name) can try this shit in deterring future outbreaks in crime within our city, exclaimed Chief Fletcher. “At least we know he will not try to jack off or fuck anyone in the process.”
It was announced earlier this morning that the City of Chattanooga has approved a $2.8 million statue of Chattanooga Native and funny man Ralphie May.
The statue will be erected in the heart of Miller Plaza. Officials say much of the area’s seating will have to be removed.
The project has been granted to River City Company, who placed the project ahead of any plans for revamping the Miller Plaza area.
“Since Mr. May is a larger individual, and he will be the first to tell you that in a grueling hour and a half set, a larger supply of materials are needed to complete the statue, no pun intended” said chief River City statue architect Todd Dabble.
Future plans of local celebrity monuments include Dennis Haskins, whose statue will pop up at random places for people to take a picture with and post on random social networking websites.
After a day filled with reports of rape, child abuse, and other disgusting things, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke held a press conference this afternoon to ask Chattanooga residents to “cut all this weird creepy shit out”.
“What the hell is wrong with you people,” questioned Berke to a group of gatherers, all in face-palm stance. “Go back to using our gig internet for illegally downloading “Game of Thrones” episodes, not being a bunch of eerie asswipes.”
Riverbend’s Faith and Family night headliner TobyMac was discovered this afternoon to be none other than singer CeeLo Green in disguise. Mr. Green was banned by festival organizers last year after a profanity-laden performance that upset many Riverbend attendees.
“We noticed something was amiss when Mr Mac arrived a bit heavier and not dressed like an 18 year old mallrat with a soul patch,” explained Faith and Family night organizer Thomas Sanderson.
“I like faith, family, and saying the P word a bunch,” said Green.
Sanderson announced plans to go ahead and let Green perform as TobyMac.
Experts believe Mr Green will tailor some of his songs for the event. “Satan, Fuck You”, among others will be played for the thousands in attendance for Faith and Family night this evening.
To much surprise for many in attendance at tonight’s Silent Disco during Riverbend, former Tennessee Republican gubernatorial nominee and entrepreneur Basil Marceaux added DJ to his ever growing repertoire.
Marceaux explained to Riverbend officials he hopes his beats will “make the people of the silent disco feel freer than they did yesterday.”
“It’s… it’s time to drop the Bass..il. DJBasilMarceauxdotcom”, exclaimed Marceaux, while pressing the play button on his laptop computer.
A week after two renowned war veterans expressed support for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional nominee Weston Wamp, two former Mayfield Dairy cows announced their support for Wamp’s opponent Chuck Fleischmann.
The two dairy cows were once suppliers for former nominee and recent Fleischmann supporter/bromamce partner Scotty Mayfield’s family business.
“While being a war hero is a highly honorable and commendable accomplishment, I’m sure having a part of the body squeezed over and over throughout the day is comparable to being in the shit,” said Fleishmann, while proceeding to extract a steady stream of milk from one cow’s udder into his mouth.
A representative from the National Socialist Movement, a neo-Nazi organization known for its belief in white supremacy and a weird saucy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, announced plans to hold a bake sale on the front lawn of the Hamilton County Courthouse on April 26th.
The Chattanooga visit is part of the organization’s “Bake and Hate” rallies across the continental United States, which celebrate the forgetting of our country being discovered by Native Americans and tasty homemade red velvet cake.
“Our true passion is the love of baking fine pastries and desserts,” said NSM leader Kenneth Whiteman. “It just so happens that we are Jew-hating, Adolf-Hitler-loving neo-Nazis.”
The group hopes delicious treats such as Hot Iron Cross Buns, Swasti-kakes, The Final Sugarlution and White Powder Donuts will sway nay-sayers into looking past their beliefs and enjoying what the bake sale has to offer.
“While my Jewish and human being heritage teaches me that these sorts of people are the lowest pieces of shit scum suckers of the Earth,” said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, “I do look forward to getting my paws on some decadent thumbprint cookies in the shape of a Hitler mustache.”