February 2018

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher


Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

Chattanooga man starting to believe Chattanooga Chuck full of shit

After almost a week of 70 degree plus high temperatures, Chattanooga resident Sylvester Kimble announced he is starting to distrust Groundhog Chattanooga Chucks forecasting abilities. The announcement comes just weeks after Chattanooga Chuck saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.

Experts believe Mr. Kimble may have missed the memo saying that a groundhog cannot accurately predict the weather, especially since Chattanooga Chuck is a groundhog.

“Chattanooga Chuck is fake news and full of shit,” explained Kimble. “From now on I’m gonna wear my cut off jeans and only listen to Paul.”

Local man spends first Valentine’s Day alone since Puss n Boots demolition


Today is a sad day for local Chattanooga man Alan Randall as he spends his first Valentine’s Day alone since the demolition of the Puss n Boots Adult entertainment club.

Randall, who was a frequent visitor to the Adult club, made a yearly tradition of spending every Valentine’s day with a group of ladies he truly believed he shared a connection.

“I would bring my girls Destiny Summer and Vanity Safire chocolates every Valentines, while still making it rain hundreds of dollars on them,” explained a teary-eyed Randalls. “I feel like true love died with that asbestos-filled cockroach-ridden building.”

EPB eyes possible rate increase to pay for larger Chattanooga Market bags


While gearing up for the 2018 Chattanooga Market, EPB announced it might increase rates to pay for new and improved labeled blue bags that have become a staple of the popular weekend event. Starting this spring, customers of EPB Fiber Optics may see a line item increase of a few cents, but experts agree the cost is worth it for the ability to haul around a more sizable variety of artisanal goods at the Chattanooga Market.

“More EPB bag space equals more locally grown Kale,” explained EPB Chief Bag Executive Cliff Powerman. “We listen to our customers and hear their cries for more channels, more internet speed, and more room to haul around dream catchers or a painted piece of plywood.”