Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today.
“For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan. “But paper pornography has its own charm that can’t be replicated by mere JPG files or online videos.”
“We’ll get through this temporary Internet interruption together, but just have patience,” said Sobiscan. “Squeeze one off using that old Playboy magazine that you stole from your father…the one with Bo Derek on the cover. The one that got you through some dry spells during college. It’s in a box in your attic.”
“Ladies, grab your Hitachi Magic Wand and give a magazine a try,” said Sobiscan. “You’ve watched ‘Magic Mike’ so many times that you know all the lines by heart, so it’s time to give it a rest.”
“Think of analog porn like the comeback of vinyl records and cassettes, over CDs and streaming music,” said Sobiscan. “In a pinch, the swimsuit section of a Lands’ End catalog will do.”