June 2018

EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage


Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today.

“For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan. “But paper pornography has its own charm that can’t be replicated by mere JPG files or online videos.”

“We’ll get through this temporary Internet interruption together, but just have patience,” said Sobiscan. “Squeeze one off using that old Playboy magazine that you stole from your father…the one with Bo Derek on the cover. The one that got you through some dry spells during college. It’s in a box in your attic.”

“Ladies, grab your Hitachi Magic Wand and give a magazine a try,” said Sobiscan. “You’ve watched ‘Magic Mike’ so many times that you know all the lines by heart, so it’s time to give it a rest.”

“Think of analog porn like the comeback of vinyl records and cassettes, over CDs and streaming music,” said Sobiscan. “In a pinch, the swimsuit section of a Lands’ End catalog will do.”

Great Clips plane offering fly-by haircuts at Riverbend


In an effort to streamline air advertising and hairstyling services, Great Clips announced its famous Riverbend banner equipt airplane will now fly low enough to deliver haircuts from its propellors.

The company will offer deals on some of its most popular hairstyles, such as the bowl cut and the “may I speak to a manager” style.

“I was able to enjoy live music and receive a trim to my mullet, all from the comfort of my folding chair” explained Riverbend attendee Randy Panker.

So far there has only been one to two decapitations, but experts believe that is the price you must pay for a Great Clip.

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night


In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks.

Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled that Friends of the Festival would allow my unvaccinated son to drink the devil’s juice instead of the blood of the lamb while he sees Switchfeet or whatever,” explained Riverbend attendee Deborah Smith. “They could have at least had the vodka blessed!”

“Don’t worry, I have blessed it,” explained Father Basil Marceaux.