July 2018

Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions.

This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.

“Armadillos are adorable creatures, and we think that yoga is mutually beneficial for humans and armadillos, as well,” said yoga teacher Buttercup Sunshower. “Armadillos are like humans, as both can have troubled souls that reside inside hardened exteriors.”

“Like the armadillos’ armored shells, humans can build up psychological and emotional walls, which can be just as tough and impenetrable,” said Sunshower. “Did I just blow your mind?”

Scientists have pointed out that armadillos should be avoided, since they can spread leprosy to humans.

“Yes, the risk is there, but it’s a small price to pay for inner peace,” said Sunshower, before cuddling with an armadillo.

Southside violence problem solved by new signs

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem.

“There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people will behave.”

One sign reads “If it is between midnight and 6 a.m., shouldn’t you be at home in bed, getting a good night’s rest so that you are refreshed and ready to tackle the challenges of a new day, by golly?”

Another sign reads “Hope you are having a pleasant evening, and, oh, by the way, do us a big favor and please don’t murder anyone here”.

One suggestion to force Coyote Jacks to only play the song “Don’t Take Your Guns to Town” by Johnny Cash over and over was shot down.

Southside sign #2

Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga.

Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t attend an event where alcohol is served unless his wife is with him.

Republican U.S. Representative Blackburn has pledged to support President Trump’s agenda, and she is running for the Senate seat that Bob Corker will vacate, facing former Tennessee governor Phil Bredesen in the race.

Pence also made a vow to solemnly eat only graham crackers and drink only whole milk at the fundraising reception.

Every area CEO without a vehicle after employees begin walking to work


After a Chattanooga startup’s CEO gave his car to a new employee who walked 20 miles to his first shift, a multitude of other area business employees took note and began making long commutes to work in hopes to land their boss’ vehicles. The chain of events caused a shortage of CEOs with a motorized form of transportation

“My 23-mile walk from the other side of Lookout Mountain scored me a low mile 2016 Toyota Highlander,” explained area bank teller Mark Smith. “You would think her salary would allow for the seat cooling upgrade.”

“I’m the Marshall, and I’m fresh out of daily commuters here at Marshall Mize Ford,” exclaimed Marshall Mize Ford owner Marshall Mize. Come see the Marshall as I tag along with my other employees and walk to work.”

Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds


Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion.

“We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”

This came on the heels of a similar promotion from Build-A-Bear Workshop, including the location in the Hamilton Place Mall, which allowed customers today only to purchase a stuffed bear for the price of the child’s age, which could be as little as $1 for a one-year-old.

A victim of its own success, the offer eventually prompted Build-A-Bear Workshop locations to shut down lines after overwhelmingly large numbers of people came out to take advantage of the promotion.

“Mr. Leslie Jenkins here is one of our most loyal customers,” said Sanesca, who pointed to a man sitting alone, in front of an empty plate. “Mr. Jenkins was born during a long-ago era when ‘Leslie’ was mostly a name for boys.”

“Hope you enjoyed your supper! That’ll be $85, sir,” said Sanesca.

Rescued Thai soccer team postpones Lost Sea vacation


After being trapped in a flooded cave for 18 days, the rescued Thai boys’ soccer team announced that they would postpone their planned vacation to the Lost Sea in Sweetwater, Tenn., which is the largest underground lake in the nation.

“We already booked this trip to the Lost Sea months ago, but you know, I think we’re going to hold off on caves and confined water-filled spaces for the time being,” said the soccer team’s coach, who added that they’re also postponing visits to Ruby Falls and the Titanic replica in Pigeon Forge.

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. 

Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while departing for the lake of fire. 

“You may dispose of any sensitive HIPPA information in a designated bin, but please send the good shit down to me,” explained Satan. “It’s hard keeping focused with all these fresh souls, so send down some Adderall ASAP.”