October 2017

Times Free Press lays off newspaper printing press

In an effort to adapt to new technology or something, the Chattanooga Times Free press announced it has eliminated 35 positions. Included in the layoffs was the newspapers printing press, which was just purchased in 2014.

Sources it may take months for the printing press to vacate the building, as the people who would take it apart were laid off as well.

“We just knew the future was in physical media and that’s why we invested $6.4 million into a new paper press just three years ago,” explained Times Free Press representative Stephen Scotts, while moving his personal belongings into a cardboard box.

“Hopefully the press can find work elsewhere, like printing property available signs for John Wise or physical copies of the Chattanooga Bystander.”

BREAKING: Poo poo face Trump bans doody head Corker from White House adult day care center

After an exchange of strongly worded tweets between President Trump and Congressman Bob Corker, Trump announced he had banned Corker from attending the White House adult day care, just before residents were about to be given their daily treat of Activia yogurt snacks.

“SAD that Corker has to be such a fart breath turd burglar to me, especially since we were such great playtime/campaign buddies in the past,” explained Trump. “He will NEVER get back his School House Rocks VHS copy of how a bill becomes law, believe me!”

Confederate statue to wear silly hat as compromise

Ending a series of heated arguments regarding calls to remove the statue of Confederate Army Lt. Gen. A.P. Stewart from the front of the Hamilton County Courthouse, a compromise was reached between opposing sides, where the statue is allowed to stay but must wear a silly hat.

“A government building shouldn’t honor the Confederacy, which fought to preserve slavery, but we also shouldn’t try to erase history,” said Fran Mirtizan, a moderator between opposing sides. “Ideally, this statue of General Stewart would go to a museum, but we reached an agreement where the statue wears this ridiculous novelty hat that looks like a tiny putting green on a golf course.”

Both sides agreed that the silly hat would be changed on a monthly basis, and for the month of November, Stewart will wear a giant foam cowboy hat.

“There. All better,” said Mirtizan.