March 2020

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

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A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals.

“It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast Ashley Umswig. “And these are high-quality gimp masks, too, made of genuine full-grain black leather.”

This donation comes at a time when local residents have volunteered to create homemade masks for medical professionals, in preparation for possible shortages.

Medical experts do not recommend using ball-gags for protection against communicable diseases such as COVID-19, because they do not provide adequate coverage.

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk.

Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes forcing them to substitute items or be resourceful.

“If you’re out of milk, it might be tempting to fill your breakfast cereal bowl with some unleaded gas instead, since it’s now cheaper than milk,” said local petroleum and dairy expert Kim Attnius. “My expert advice to you is to strongly recommend against it.”

“Also, sandpaper is not a good substitute for toilet paper,” said Attnius. “I’m not an expert on toilet paper, so I had to learn this the hard way.”

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

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Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people.

“How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t much, is to have my wildest fantasies fulfilled by bathing in a giant ocean of flesh and genitals, all flopping around, while everyone is greased up and wearing masquerade masks, moaning and making animal noises and writhing with ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure.”

Citizens are currently strongly advised to stay at home and avoid contact with other people while COVID-19 cases are swiftly increasing unless absolutely necessary, due to health and safety reasons, and state authorities have unveiled their new pro-masturbation campaign with the slogan: “Masturbation: it’s sex with someone you love.”

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.