November 2017

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again


In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

Station Street renamed Vomit Alley after open-container ordinance passes


After the Chattanooga City Council passed an ordinance yesterday allowing people of legal drinking age to carry open containers on Station Street next to the Choo-Choo, another measure was approved to change the name of the street to “Vomit Alley.”

“We just wanted to be honest with what we’re getting into,” said the Council in a written statement. “After a seemingly endless night of downing brightly colored margaritas, it’s inevitable that at least a few heavy drinkers will let out some liquid laughter, adding to a rainbow river that flows down the street.”

“It’s just more fun to drink outside,” said resident Carl Fetsing. “Kind of like peeing outside is more fun. And with this new ordinance, we’ll definitely be seeing more of both.”

New Chattanooga Realtor mistakenly takes promotional picture in front of Olgiati Bridge

After being drawn to Chattanooga by excessive internet speeds and overpriced gentrified real estate, newly licensed real estate agent, Chad Mullmens released his first promotional photo in front of the Olgiati Bridge. Such a choice for photo location has been called questionable by other seasoned Chattanooga realtors.

“I heard that Chattanooga has fantastic bridges for almost Shutterstock-like backdrops and this was the first one I saw,” explained Mullmens. “I’ve even started a “10 things to do in Chattanooga” blog post based on the Olgiati Bridge.”

“He’ll never close on more than one or two three-hundred thousand former crack houses with that sort of promotional picture,” explained Chattanooga relator Mark Hite. “He could have at least photoshopped in the aquarium or incline.”

Roy Exum defends Roy Moore as member of “Brotherhood of Roys” commentator Roy Exum defended Roy Moore, the Alabama Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, amid accusations that Moore initiated sexual contact with a 14-year-old girl in 1979, citing solidarity as a member of a centuries-old secret society called “The Brotherhood of Roys.”

This comes in the wake of a bombshell story published by the Washington Post about alleged encounters Moore had with four teenagers when Moore was in his early 30s, which Moore denies.

“We Roys need to stick together, through the thick and thin,” said Exum, who was wearing a long, purple velvet cloak.

“If Roy said that the story about him wearing tighty-whities and fondling a 14-year-old girl is completely false, well, I just have to believe him,” said Exum, who was carrying an ornate, bejeweled scepter with a live falcon perched on it. “Because that’s what we do in the Brotherhood, after we’ve gone through all 23 Roy Rites.”

Exum tied a small vial to one of the falcon’s talons and launched the falcon into the air, saying, “Fly! Fly this potion of strength to our Alabama brother!” before closing his eyes, lowering his head and making an “X” with his forearms.

Local women transformed into fashion experts after visiting new H&M

Thousands of Chattanooga women were instantly transformed into fashion experts after simply visiting the newly opened H&M clothing store at the Hamilton Place Mall.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it,” said resident Gladys Farngully. “They walked in as frumpy housewives. They walked out as chic, metropolitan sophisticates, speaking French.”

The H&M store, which opened Thursday, is one of thousands from the popular Swedish clothing retailer operating worldwide, which is known for bringing trendy fashions to mainstream consumers at reasonable prices.

“It’s only been open a few days, but pretty much, if you haven’t been to H&M, then you’re considered an uncivilized peasant,” said Farngully. “I used to go to Dress Barn, even though the name would make me feel like I was livestock.”