April 2015

Finally! Casey barge has been moved…. to the other side of the river.

Chattanoogans rejoice! The Casey barge has been moved, to the other side of the river!

The move comes after months and months of failed attempts to have the dilapidated barge moved. barge

“I’m grateful we were finally able to get that eyesore out of here,” exclaimed Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I guess we should have mentioned we were just going to park it on the other side of the river.”

Just Busted wins Pulitzer for fearless reporting of bong-related arrests

Just Busted magazine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8pomkN)
Just Busted magazine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8pomkN)
The local mugshot newspaper Just Busted was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Public Service Journalism today, for what was described by the Pulitzer committee as “fearless journalism about bong and dimebag-related arrests.”

“Few other publications are brave enough to put photos of these weed-smoking teenagers alongside mugshots of wife-beaters, rapists and armed robbers,” said the statement from the Pulitzer committee.

Just Busted was also commended for its in-depth coverage of the public menace of people driving on recently expired licenses.

Sen. Corker commemorated on $20 bill

Senator Bob Corker on the $20 bill
Senator Bob Corker on the $20 bill
Senator Bob Corker, a former mayor of Chattanooga who was recently named one of Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World,” was commemorated by having his face put on the $20 bill.

The U.S. Department of the Treasury was able to roll out the transition overnight, even retroactively applying the change to bills that had already been issued.

The depiction of Corker is from his younger days, when he bore a slightly bushier haircut and did not neatly trim his eyebrows.

The sudden redesign of the $20 bill comes at a time when it has been widely proposed to put on the bill the face of a woman who has great importance in American history.

The hip-hop community has quickly embraced the change, with new songs proclaiming “It’s all about the Corkers.”

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions


Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”

TN House votes Billy Ray Cyrus bio “Hillbilly Heart” as official state book

Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus

The biography of country music superstar Billy Ray Cyrus, “Hillbilly Heart,” was voted by the Tennessee House of Representatives to be the official book of Tennessee.

The GOP-led effort, spearheaded by Representative Jerry Sexton, originally sought to make the Bible the official book of Tennessee but ran into resistance from those who claimed it violated the concept of separation of church and state.

After the bill was amended to change the Bible to “Hillbilly Heart,” it found support among Republicans and Democrats, and if it passes in the state Senate, it would join other state symbols including the official state songs “Tennessee Waltz” and “Rocky Top” and the official state amphibian, the Tennessee cave salamander.

“‘Hillbilly Heart’ tells the story of a hard-working musician that everyone can relate to,” said Sexton. “He has had so many different well-known, beloved hits, from ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ and superb acting roles in films like ‘Mulholland Drive’ and ‘Sharknado 2: The Second One.'”

State representatives celebrated after the unanimous vote by line-dancing the “Achy Breaky” in the State Capitol building in Nashville.

Loose hobbit spotted downtown

loosehobbitThe Chattanooga Police Department has urged residents to remain calm after numerous people have reported sightings of a loose hobbit in the downtown area over the last few days.

“Hobbits generally appear to be friendly creatures, around four feet tall with giant, hairy feet, but don’t be deceived,” said Galen Dielecki, hobbit expert and zoologist at the Chattanooga Zoo. “When they are outside their natural habitat and are agitated, they are capable of great feats of strength.”

“It is unusual to see hobbits outside their underground hobbit-holes, so it is quite possible that this one is disoriented or even rabid,” said Dielecki.

Despite the warnings of the Chattanooga Police Department, many photos of residents taken while standing near the loose hobbit have appeared on social media outlets recently.

If the hobbit is spotted, residents are asked to call the Tennessee Wildlife Resource Agency, which has emergency teams on hand, armed with rifles with tranquilizer darts.

Police sketch of loose hobbit (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6RypW4)
Police sketch of loose hobbit (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6RypW4)

State Sen. Gardenhire unveils new “Insure the Assholes” plan

TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire

After Governor Bill Haslam’s “Insure Tennessee” plan to provide coverage for approximately 280,000 uninsured Tennesseeans was voted down for a second time on Tuesday, State Senator Todd Gardenhire announced that he had drafted a bill called “Insure the Assholes” and is seeking bipartisan support.

Gardenhire received criticism from progressives for voting against “Insure Tennessee” twice, and after voting on Tuesday, when asked by an uninsured constituent if he would give up his publicly financed health insurance, Gardenhire called the man an “asshole.”

“I’m no fan of Obamacare, and I had more than a couple of concerns with ‘Insure Tennessee,'” said Gardenhire. “So, I got to work on a brand new plan to close the coverage gap for all those dickwads, cockfarmers and shitheads who don’t have insurance.”

“I call it ‘Insure the Assholes,'” said Gardenhire. “This shows that I really do care about all of those hundreds of thousands of uninsured goat-fuckers in Tennessee.”

TFP implements Harrison Keely video into print version

Citing a breakthrough in print technology, scientists from the Chattanooga Times Free Press have discovered a new way to include video of their very own Harrison Kelly in the print version of the newspaper, a feature that was only previously available to lucky online viewers.

“We are very excited to finally unleash the beautiful smiling mug and soul patch of the lovable Harrison Keely to our print only subscribers,” said Times Free Press spokesman Doug McLeitch. “When our customers receive their newspaper and unfold it, a video will autoplay of Mr Keely¬†telling what we need to know today. Usually a rape or a cop beating.”