April 2014

City considers light rail system for people too stuck-up to ride the bus

Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)
Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)

The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus.

“Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.”

“You see, people generally think trains are romantic,” said Hearrin. “They think they’ll meet some cute French girl or hunky dude on the train, bond over some philosophical bullshit discussion and then fall in love, like in the movie Before Sunrise.”

“But when people think of buses, they think about that guy who went nuts and decapitated and cannibalized a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada, a few years ago,” said Hearrin. “Also, people think others will assume they’re poor, if they ride the bus.”

“I think a light rail system is a great idea,” said resident Patrick Hardcastle. “I used to ride the bus, because I wanted to ‘accidentally’ meet that hot chick whose photo is on the CARTA website homepage, but I have never actually seen her on a bus. I just hope one day I’ll meet her on a train.”

CARTA website
CARTA website

Mayor Berke’s State of the City speech namechecks every resident of Chattanooga

Mayor Andy Berke (Modified under the CC-BY-NC-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fqUWSz)
Mayor Andy Berke (Modified under the CC-BY-NC-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fqUWSz)

One year after taking office, Mayor Andy Berke gave his “State of the City” address at the Chattanoogan Hotel yesterday, providing a detailed status report in which he mentioned all 171,279 residents of Chattanooga individually.

“Friends and neighbors, at my inauguration, I said that the Chattanooga story is not a single story, but a vast tome of numerous individual stories full of hope and resilience, with challenges along the way,” said Berke. “Today, I’m going to tell you these stories. All of them.”

“I want to tell you about Abbie Aaron, a single mother of three,” said Berke. “She told me that she has to work three jobs to make ends meet and has to depend on the bus to get around.”

“I listened to the story of Abe Aaron, no relation to Abbie,” said Berke. “He served our country in the first Iraq War, and now he volunteers his time to coach Little League.”

“At Ooltewah High School, I sat down with Zelda Zummo,” said Berke, seven hours after beginning his speech. “She won first place at the state science fair, and she’s college-bound this fall, studying to be an engineer.”

“That’s everybody,” said Berke. “We are Chattanooga. All 171,279 of…uh…wait…I have just been informed that a baby was just born at Erlanger, so I’m going over there now to talk with the baby.”

National Socialist Movement plans Bake Sale on the Hamilton County Courthouse Lawn


naziA representative from the National Socialist Movement, a neo-Nazi organization known for its belief in white supremacy and a weird saucy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, announced plans to hold a bake sale on the front lawn of the Hamilton County Courthouse on April 26th.

The Chattanooga visit is part of the organization’s “Bake and Hate” rallies across the continental United States, which celebrate the forgetting of our country being discovered by Native Americans and tasty homemade red velvet cake.

“Our true passion is the love of baking fine pastries and desserts,” said NSM leader Kenneth Whiteman. “It just so happens that we are Jew-hating, Adolf-Hitler-loving neo-Nazis.”

The group hopes delicious treats such as Hot Iron Cross Buns, Swasti-kakes, The Final Sugarlution and White Powder Donuts will sway nay-sayers into looking past their beliefs and enjoying what the bake sale has to offer.

“While my Jewish and human being heritage teaches me that these sorts of people are the lowest pieces of shit scum suckers of the Earth,” said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, “I do look forward to getting my paws on some decadent thumbprint cookies in the shape of a Hitler mustache.”

Old Man Winter to crap all over Chattanooga one more time

(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)

At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather.

“I mean that in a figurative sense,” said Winter. “In reality, when I poop, it comes out like icicles and slush. I’m just going to make things really frickin’ cold and windy tonight, because I can.”

“For f-ck’s sake, is it summer or is it winter?” said local resident Marshall Dulles. “I just packed away all my winter clothing into storage. Seriously, what the hell?”

“It’s mid-April, and my garden is totally going to be screwed,” said resident Monica Herndohn. “I just spent all weekend on it, too. I don’t want to even think about cold weather anymore, and if my daughter sings ‘Let It Go’ one more time I might lose my mind.”

Krystal introduces burger-flavored moonshine

Moonshine still (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8tZtwU)
Moonshine still (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8tZtwU)

The fast-food restaurant chain Krystal, founded in Chattanooga in 1932 and best known for its square-shaped Krystal hamburger sliders, unveiled yesterday its new product: a burger-flavored moonshine.

Krystal was possibly inspired by another Chattanooga-born culinary treat, the Moon Pie, which earlier this year introduced Moon Pie-flavored moonshine, available in vanilla, chocolate and banana-flavored varieties.

Krystal Moonshine will simulate the taste of its famous Krystal burgers, capturing the flavor of hamburger meat, a steamed bun, onions, pickles, mustard and grease, and for the time being, it is only being sold in liquor stores while the company irons out the logistics of selling it at its restaurant locations.

“Our team of test kitchen chefs met up with the finest backwoods hillbilly distillers we could find,” said Krystal CEO Chas McKnutt. “It’s a product that both the discriminating artisanal-liquor-drinking foodie and the unrefined corn-fed hayseed booze-hound will enjoy.”

“The Krystal burger has long been considered the go-to late-night snack for sobering up after a long night of drinking,” said McKnutt. “Now, with Krystal Moonshine, you can experience that classic taste and bowel-lubrication of a Krystal burger while getting tanked, not just recovering from it.”

New Police Chief must have ability to sing National Anthem, Berke declares

Hamilton County Deputy Sheriff singing National Anthem
Hamilton County Deputy Sheriff singing National Anthem

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Andy Berke provided a status update regarding the search for the new Chattanooga Police Chief after former Chief Bobby Dodd retired last December, mentioning that the candidate list has been whittled down to fewer than 20 applicants and that the new Chief must have the ability to sing the National Anthem.

“The butchering of the National Anthem by a Hamilton County deputy sheriff several years ago is still fresh upon our minds,” said Berke. “We must never, ever let this happen again, for the sake of our city’s reputation, and so our children can hold their heads up high when speaking about their hometown.”

Berke was referring to the viral video of a poor delivery of the National Anthem with incorrect lyrics that gained widespread notoriety across the nation, even making Time magazine’s top ten list of “Worst National-Anthem Renditions” before the deputy was able to perform a “do over” on Good Morning America earlier this year, aided by Dierks Bentley.

In addition to having ample police leadership experience, a bachelor’s degree and knowledge about violence reduction programs, the new Police Chief will be judged by a panel of local music industry experts, American Idol-style, in a live televised singing competition.

“We should have high expectations for our next Police Chief,” said Berke. “We would expect no less in the land of the brave, and the home of the free.”

Times Free Press lists Chattanooga Bystander for sale on Craigslist

The TFP's listing on Craigslist to sell The Chattanooga Bystander
The TFP’s listing on Craigslist to sell The Chattanooga Bystander

After purchasing The Chattanooga Bystander yesterday for $19 million dollars, the daily newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it was selling the newly acquired online news website on Craigslist “for $199 or best offer.”

The Craigslist advertisement also stated that the Times Free Press was open to possibly trading it for a used lawnmower in good working condition or a set of grow lights.

“We made a huge mistake,” said TFP managing editor Jordan Krampton. “The Chattanooga Bystander is a massive liability, and it’s just a matter of time before some local celebrity or rich politician sues these assholes.”

“If there are no takers, then we’ll probably just give it away on Freecycle,” said Krampton.

BREAKING: TFP rehires Drew Johnson as new head Chattanooga Bystander editor.


It was just announced that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has rehired fired reporterDrew Johnson to head their new Chattanooga Bystander division of the paper. Times Free Press bought the Bystander this morning in a multi-million dollar deal.

“We reached a deal and let bygones be bygones,” said Times Free Press president Jason Taylor. “We’re excited to see what kind of shit Mr. Johnson can pull with the Bystander, then we will probably can his ass again.”

Chattanooga Bystander implements paywall

Chattanooga Bystander paywall pop-up window
Chattanooga Bystander paywall pop-up window

After being purchased by The Chattanooga Times Free Press, it was announced by TFP managing editor Jordan Krampton that The Chattanooga Bystander would implement a paywall in order for readers to access its award-winning articles online.

“We asked the publishers of The Chattanooga Bystander for their financial records,” said Krampton. “They just handed us an Applebee’s kids menu with mustard stains and a few numbers scribbled on it in crayon.”

“We have no idea how these people are making any money,” said Krampton. “Their content was free, and they had no advertising. This is America, gosh darn it. If you do something that doesn’t make any money, that’s just Un-American.”

The paywall will require readers of The Chattanooga Bystander to purchase an annual subscription to access its content or simply get around the paywall by using Google’s Translate feature.

Times Free Press buys Chattanooga Bystander for $19 mil

The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press
The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press

The daily broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it is purchasing the 1-year-old online news website The Chattanooga Bystander for $19 million dollars.

“We want to heartily welcome The Chattanooga Bystander, being an award-winning publication known for its accurate reporting and respectful journalism,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “They deliver all the facts, and then some, with 110% of the truth.”

The $19 mil. figure includes $200 to be paid in cash, with the remaining funds to be rendered in Lake Winnie skee-ball prize tickets.

One of the stipulations of the deal was that Harrison Keely could no longer be the subject of any upcoming articles by The Chattanooga Bystander.

“That was condition #1: lay off Harrison,” said Krampton. “It was too much for him last year, and he was driven to shave off his soul patch.”