April 2014

The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus.

“Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.”

“You see, people generally think trains are romantic,” said Hearrin. “They think they’ll meet some cute French girl or hunky dude on the train, bond over some philosophical bullshit discussion and then fall in love, like in the movie Before Sunrise.”

“But when people think of buses, they think about that guy who went nuts and decapitated and cannibalized a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada, a few years ago,” said Hearrin. “Also, people think others will assume they’re poor, if they ride the bus.”

“I think a light rail system is a great idea,” said resident Patrick Hardcastle. “I used to ride the bus, because I wanted to ‘accidentally’ meet that hot chick whose photo is on the CARTA website homepage, but I have never actually seen her on a bus. I just hope one day I’ll meet her on a train.”

One year after taking office, Mayor Andy Berke gave his “State of the City” address at the Chattanoogan Hotel yesterday, providing a detailed status report in which he mentioned all 171,279 residents of Chattanooga individually.

“Friends and neighbors, at my inauguration, I said that the Chattanooga story is not a single story, but a vast tome of numerous individual stories full of hope and resilience, with challenges along the way,” said Berke. “Today, I’m going to tell you these stories. All of them.”

“I want to tell you about Abbie Aaron, a single mother of three,” said Berke. “She told me that she has to work three jobs to make ends meet and has to depend on the bus to get around.”

“I listened to the story of Abe Aaron, no relation to Abbie,” said Berke. “He served our country in the first Iraq War, and now he volunteers his time to coach Little League.”

“At Ooltewah High School, I sat down with Zelda Zummo,” said Berke, seven hours after beginning his speech. “She won first place at the state science fair, and she’s college-bound this fall, studying to be an engineer.”

“That’s everybody,” said Berke. “We are Chattanooga. All 171,279 of…uh…wait…I have just been informed that a baby was just born at Erlanger, so I’m going over there now to talk with the baby.”

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Andy Berke provided a status update regarding the search for the new Chattanooga Police Chief after former Chief Bobby Dodd retired last December, mentioning that the candidate list has been whittled down to fewer than 20 applicants and that the new Chief must have the ability to sing the National Anthem.

“The butchering of the National Anthem by a Hamilton County deputy sheriff several years ago is still fresh upon our minds,” said Berke. “We must never, ever let this happen again, for the sake of our city’s reputation, and so our children can hold their heads up high when speaking about their hometown.”

Berke was referring to the viral video of a poor delivery of the National Anthem with incorrect lyrics that gained widespread notoriety across the nation, even making Time magazine’s top ten list of “Worst National-Anthem Renditions” before the deputy was able to perform a “do over” on Good Morning America earlier this year, aided by Dierks Bentley.

In addition to having ample police leadership experience, a bachelor’s degree and knowledge about violence reduction programs, the new Police Chief will be judged by a panel of local music industry experts, American Idol-style, in a live televised singing competition.

“We should have high expectations for our next Police Chief,” said Berke. “We would expect no less in the land of the brave, and the home of the free.”