July 2017

First of Fifteen new digital billboards erected in Miller Park

Due to the massive, overwhelming response to the new digital billboard on Market Street, the first of the fifteen planned digital billboards was installed at Miller Park this afternoon.

The new digital signs are reported to consume up to 65% of the $10 million budget for the MLK district makeover.

“Through numerous polls, we have concluded that visitors just want to be over advertised to,” explained Miller Park renovation spokesmen Jeffrey Bradley. “The next phase may include another 15-story apartment high-rise in the spot of a group of former picnic tables.”

Councilwoman Coonrod demands to speak with Mayor McCheese for burger complaint


Councilwoman Demetrus Coonrod reportedly demanded to speak with Mayor McCheese to lodge a complaint at a fast food restaurant about a burger that was not made to her satisfaction.

This news comes after it was revealed in Chattanooga Police body-cam footage that Coonrod asked to speak with then-police Chief Fred Fletcher during a late-night traffic stop last month, to bypass several levels of supervision.

The fast-food cashier who took Coonrod’s order did not fulfill her request to speak with McCheese, explaining that the chain of command goes from the cashier, to the cashier’s supervisor, to the restaurant manager, to Grimace, to Ronald, to Officer Big Mac and then to Mayor McCheese.

“Before I Die in Five Minutes…” wall installed in crime-ridden East Chatt.

After the success of a “Before I Die” chalkboard wall installed in Coolidge Park, upon which people are encouraged to write their “bucket list” items, a wall was installed in East Chattanooga that is a slight variation on the concept.

Instead of lines that read “Before I Die I Want To,” the East Chattanooga wall reads “Before I Die in Five Minutes I Want To,” to reflect the increased risk of experiencing violent activity in that area.

Despite the city’s Violence Reduction Initiative program, which critics say has not had significant results, the city has struggled with curbing violence, especially from gang activity.

“Naturally, people are going to be more realistic with their bucket list items on this new wall,” said public art coordinator Ashley Bikenhalker. “Things like, ‘Enjoy a candy bar’ or ‘Squeeze one out behind this dumpster’ or ‘Post a selfie to Facebook so that authorities know where they can find my corpse.'”

“Hail Satan” license plates now available in Tenn.

After Tennessee legislators passed a bill to allow residents to get license plates that bear the phrase “In God We Trust,” in the interest of religious diversity, other plates were made available that bear other religious phrases, including “Shalom,” “Namaste,” “Praise Jah” and “Hail Satan.”

“It’s only fair,” said State Senator Brody Printrip. “We should celebrate our diversity.”

“Yes, we are deep in the Bible Belt, but the freedom of religion is a constitutionally protected right,” said Printrip, holding up a license plate with the phrase “There’s No Prob With Bob.”