October 2013

Rep. Scott DesJarlais is Uncle Fester for Halloween

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais, who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district, was praised by his constituents on Halloween for his convincing portrayal of the character Uncle Fester from the mid-’60s television show The Addams Family.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said DesJarlais, who seemed to be annoyed by the many people who were pointing at him and laughing. “I’m not dressed up as anything.”

“Stop. Please stop,” said DesJarlais, who turned and walked away from a crowd of people who gave him a light bulb and asked him to put it in his mouth so they could pose for photos with him.

“This is what I normally look like,” said DesJarlais, visibly flustered. “I can’t help it!”

BREAKING: Deceased prostitute discovered in trunk during Rossville area “Trunk or Treat” event


According to witnesses, a deceased prostitute was discovered during a local “Trunk or Treat” event at an unnamed Rossville area church.

TRUNKBystanders reported the prostitute was discovered under a KFC bucket of candy in the trunk of an unmanned vehicle during the event.

“One minute you’re dressing your kid up as their favorite Duck Dynasty character, the next you’re sheltering them from the sight of a dead hooker,” explained local parent Terry Jeffers.

Hamilton County Schools may turn to capital punishment if corporal punishment is dropped.

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment.

punishmentThe announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment to rowdy and unruly students.  It was uncovered that Chattanooga area schools were using corporal punishment techniques such as bare-assed cat o’ nine tail whips and atomic wedgies.

“We must provide swift punishment to these shithead students who break the rules during school hours with their MTV twerking and facetagramming tweets,” explained Hamilton county superintendent Smith. “I believe students will think twice if faced with a trip to the gas chamber or an electric chair.”

Some parents of local students are all for the new capital punishment techniques. Many believe the old system of corporal punishment just wasn’t enough.

“My son Jeremy started looking forward to being called a slut and slapped around by his principal in front of the whole school,” said Hixson High School parent Sherry Miller. “I can only pray that the threat of standing before a firing squad will make him think twice before sagging his Levi’s”

Local Gen Y-ers stop complaining for two hours during Neutral Milk Hotel concert

Neutral Milk Hotel
Neutral Milk Hotel

In an unprecedented occurrence yesterday at the concert venue Track 29, it was reported that all local members of Generation Y – people currently in their teens through the age of 30 – had collectively stopped complaining for two hours, during the performance by the indie-rock band Neutral Milk Hotel.

This evening was enjoyed by local Gen Y-ers unironically, all of whom refrained from slavishly checking Facebook or Twitter updates on their smartphones for the entire concert.

Witnesses on the scene reported that not one utterance of the phrases “This town sucks” or “This is so lame” was heard during the performance, which featured songs from Neutral Milk Hotel’s widely praised album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

Local members of Generation Y – commonly thought of as a generation of whining and entitled praise-junkies and narcissistic attention whores – enjoyed their first experience of true fellowship and honest, heartfelt reverence at the concert.

Samuel L. Jackson addresses motherf-cking snake problem at Brainerd High School

Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5d5Lww)
Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5d5Lww)

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents.

One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy and vocal about the situation, prompting the Hamilton County School system to take quick action with exterminators to eliminate the snake problem.

“Enough is enough,” said actor Samuel L. Jackson, who was raised in Chattanooga. “I have had it with these motherf-cking snakes in this motherf-cking school!”

Some residents opposed the use of exterminators to kill the snakes, citing alternate, more humane methods, but Jackson expressed a hardline stance against the snakes.

“Yes they deserve to die,” said Jackson. “And I hope they burn in hell!”

Jackson, who serves as narrator for an orientation film for the new Chattanooga History Center slated to open in 2014, offered to help with the extermination efforts himself.

“I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers,” said Jackson. “And you will know my name is Samuel L. Motherf-cking Jackson when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

BREAKING: Hits 96 to become all Polka music station.

Chattanooga’s hit music station: Hits 96 announced their channel would soon become the area’s first all Polka music station.

The format change comes after Bahakel Communication owners decided to expand into new musical territory.

hits96polkaStation mangers plan to kick off the new format by giving away tickets to see multi Grammy winning Polka legend Jimmy Sturr in concert early next year in Vero Beach, Florida.  Listeners will also have the chance to win a free Accordion by outlasting others sitting in a Ford Probe.

“We thoroughly believe our listeners will be delighted with our sudden format change into the wonderful world of Polka,” explained Hits 96 DJ Brad Steiner. “Honestly, I didn’t know polka music existed outside of Weird Al Yankovic.”

Many high Chattanooga officials are not too fond of the new change for the former Tennessee Valley pop music radio giant.

“This is literally the worst thing to happen, ever,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I have plans in the works to banish Steiner and Williams to the depths of a Whitwell hellhole.”

Delta Queen Riverboat to be relocated atop Walnut Street walking bridge


After the announcement of Chattanooga’s own Walnut Street walking bridge as one of the top public places in America, a representative from the shunned neighboring Delta Queen Riverboat announced plans to relocate the boat atop the popular tourist attraction.

The Delta Queen has made news in recent months by being a target of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke and his calling for the boat to be sunk to the bottom of the Tennessee River, where he would subsequently scuba dive to the depths of the river and urinate upon it.

deltaqueenAfter hearing this, it was reported that officials of the Walnut Street Bridge and Xanterra, owners of Delta Queen, met behind closed doors in one of the boats twin bed rooms to strike up a deal for the move. Experts believe the deal was sealed by late night intercourse, and was heard by patrons staying in nearby rooms through the paper-thin walls the vessel/hotel is known for.

“By relocating the Delta Queen to the Walnut Street bridge, Berke would be fucking with one of America’s best tourist traps if he decides to rid Chattanooga of the riverboat,” said Xanterra official Terrance Bridges, “I don’t believe the mayor wants that kind of blood on his pretty little hands.”

“We’re excited of the new possibilities this move will bring,” said Kathryn Davis, a spokeswoman for the Walnut Street Bridge. “Looking forward to Wine over boat over water in 2014!”

Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual.

“Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the wool over your eyes. The wool vest, to be specific.”

“My opponent in the election back in March, Manny Rico, claimed that I ran on the platform of being gay,” said Anderson. “I vehemently denied it at the time, but actually, he was right. My little ruse has been years in the planning, and what can I say, it paid off.”

“There are negative stereotypes, and then there are positive stereotypes,” said Anderson. “For example, there are the stereotypes that Jews have good financial sense and that Asians are good at math and science.”

“I totally took advantage of the positive stereotypes attributed to gay people – that homosexuals are smarter, more creative, artistic and sophisticated than average people,” said Anderson. “And I rode that stereotype to victory.”

“Here is my real partner, Staci,” said Anderson, standing beside his tall, platinum blond girlfriend. “She’s a massage therapist by day and a bartender at the Electric Cowboy by night.”

“I’m just a poon-loving breeder, like most of y’all,” said Anderson.

New climbing wall complex to be crawling ramp complex instead

Crawling ramp (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/7VBtig)
Crawling ramp (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/7VBtig)

At a press conference yesterday held by the River City Co., it was announced that the former Bijou theater downtown, originally slated to become one of the largest American climbing wall complexes, will now be home to the largest crawling ramp complex in the United States.

“It was a tough decision,” said Gretchen Staplemont, the director of River City Co. “We crunched the numbers over and over again and came to the realization that we were kidding ourselves. Chattanooga just doesn’t have enough physically fit people to make a huge climbing wall complex a sustainable venture.”

“Sure, the Ironman Chattanooga triathlon competition sold out in three minutes, but those were all out-of-towners,” said Staplemont. “Remember, Chattanooga is the birthplace of the Moon Pie and the Krystal burger.”

Originally, the facility was to be called “The Block,” but now, the River City Co. is calling the new complex “The Ramp,” which is set to open this Saturday.

“We have all kinds of ramps, for the novice crawler to the most experienced speed-crawler, plus some specialty ramps,” said Staplemont.

“The Slippery Slope” features a lickable surface covered with movie theater-style butter, to motivate crawlers to reach their destination.

“Maybe some day, a giant climbing wall complex can be sustainable in Chattanooga, but we’re taking baby steps,” said Staplemont. “We’ve got to crawl before we can climb.”

The Ramp logo
The Ramp logo


Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo

Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley

After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive.

However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that Emmer and Cooley should be reinstated as officers, saying that they were following Chattanooga Police policy and behaving according to their training, to apprehend a violent criminal on cocaine.

Mayor Andy Berke, all City Council members and police Chief Bobby Dodd opposed the ruling, but new developments have emerged which give the pair of former policemen options for their future.

This past Monday, news was released that Emmer and Cooley were offered jobs at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp, where their “dedicated, unrelenting vigor” would be useful when interrogating international prisoners, outside U.S. legal jurisdiction, but the federal government shutdown put the job offerings on hold.

This proved to be a minor setback, since at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that Emmer and Cooley would star as themselves as a crime-fighting duo in a scripted sitcom pilot episode for the Spike cable network.

“Fun for the whole family, the new show Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers presents the hilarious antics of the two cops as fish out of water: two good ol’ Southern boys on the mean streets of New York City,” said Spike representative, Martin Willstom.

“Cooley will star as a fictionalized adaptation of himself, playing the chatty, wisecracking Adam ‘The Cooler’ Cooley,” said Willstom. “He’s a former bouncer with a Master’s degree in literature who quotes from classic novels and poetry at unexpected times, for comedic effect.”

“Emmer stars as Sean ‘The Freezer’ Emmer, a former Tennessee Titans linebacker, known for his hulking figure and droll, chilly demeanor,” said Willstom. “When he’s fed up with his partner’s hijinks, he says ‘Cool it, Cooley!’ which is a catchphrase that you will never get tired of hearing.”

The pilot episode, which has yet to be filmed, features a story where Emmer and Cooley bust an international jewel-smuggling ring, which culminates in a side-splitting scene where the two employ their catfish noodling skills to retrieve stolen diamonds swallowed by large exotic fish in a millionaire playboy’s giant aquarium.

“Emmer and Cooley will use their ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine to gain valuable information from suspects,” said Willstom. “However, it’s not entirely clear if they’re good cops, strictly following police procedures and training guidance, or bad cops, using excessive force with bloodcurdling brutality.”

Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers is a laugh-out-loud, wacky comedy that’ll tickle your funny bone, right before it breaks it,” said Willstom.