Dirk Savage

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Startup Week event on fundraising to meet on top of TVFCU with a plasma cutter and rope at 3AM

During this year’s CHA Startup Week, attendees of a class on “how to raise capital for your Startup” were instructed to meet at 3:00 AM on the top of the Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union building with a steel piercing plasma cutter and repelling rope with further instructions to be given using a burner cellular telephone.

Attendees of the event were seen earlier in the day chugging local organically sourced coffee while trying on an assortment of handcrafted ski masks before attending a rave or something just hours before the 3AM start time.

“The best mantra I use to get other founders pumped is to imagine the thrill of seeing your recently acquired money fly out of duffle bags, big movie style, while you speed away in a late-night getaway car, like a metaphor for how much money your startup will burn before it ends in a fiery crash,” explained BNKRBR CEO/Co-founder/President/Vice President Terry Moore. “The hustle is real.”

Dying Covid patients asking for vaccine and refund on Riverbend tokens

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As hospital ICUs reach max capacity, mostly with unvaccinated Covid-19 patients, many doctors and nurses are reporting patients are asking if they can get the vaccine and a refund on previously purchased Riverbend tokens that were never spent due to a two year cancellation of the festival, only to be told it’s too late.

Sources are saying local hospitals such as Erlanger and Memorial have seen an uptick in patients complaining of extreme breathing issues, and carrying a large dusty sack of unused Riverbend tokens is not helping.

“My 58 year old unvaccinated Uncle Karl only wanted a single Miller light in 2018, but was forced to purchase 10 dollars worth of non-refundable Riverbend tokens, now he’s gasping for air with a tube down his throat after hours of watching Tucker Carlson only to be told it’s too late for a vaccination or any sort of Token refund,” explained one local resident, while grasping onto a shoebox full of Riverbend tokens.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

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After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

City of Chattanooga sending a guy to just set your recycling on fire after truck driver shortage

After the City of Chattanooga announced it will be halting curbside recycling pickup due to a shortage of truck drivers, a representative from the same department announced plans that it’ll send someone out to set your recycling on fire until positions can be filled.

Sources say city residents can still leave their recycling curbside until a guy named Carl or Steve drops by with a Bic lighter to set your recycling ablaze.

“We’re still checking on the logic behind this, but it’s the best we can do until we put some warm bodies in trash trucks,” explained City of Chattanooga director of recycling, Julia Joderson.

Representative Scott DesJarlais proposes a new holiday for hypocritical abortions after voting against the Juneteenth bill

Just moments after voting against making Juneteenth a national holiday, the Republican representative from Tennessee’s 4th District, Scott DesJarlais, proposed a holiday celebrating secret abortions you forced your mistresses to get after proclaiming to be pro-life in public.

“You think slavery was rough? Try secretly wiring 2 or 3 mistresses money to pay for an abortion, wowzers!” exclaimed DesJarlais, while wiping his bald noggin with pages from the bible.

Kim White repaying top campaign donors by guarding Lookout Mountain Elementary School crosswalk

After her loss in the mayoral race to businessman Tim Kelly, Kim White announced she will be repaying her top donors back in the form of guarding their local crosswalk at Lookout Mountain Elementary School.

A reporter with the Chattanooga Bystander caught up with Mrs. White as she was directing traffic at the school this morning.

“I am making good with my wonderful donors by (interrupted by a car going 25 miles per hour) SIR THIS IS A SCHOOL ZONE, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!”, explained White, while chasing down a 2021 Black Land Cruiser. 

Experts believe Mayor Kelly narrowly escaped the same fate, but on an opposite mountain.

Armed right-wing militia members take post outside Mr. Burrito Grill in case threat of “Mr.” removal arises

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After news that Hasbro might be removing the “Mr.” from its classic Mr. Potato Head toy, a group of conservative-leaning militia members has assembled outside of the popular eatery “Mr. Burrito Grill” in an effort to provide what they call ” freedom protection”. Experts believe the group is doing anything they can to protect what they are calling “the sanctity of men” and nothing would be more harmful to their wellbeing than seeing the word “Mr.” removed from a building.

“He’s a MISTER burrito grill for a reason,” explained one militia member Brandon Houseman. “You take away his manhood then it’s just a burrito grill, I can buy them things at Big Lots”.

Sources say the group did not keep post long as temperatures rose above 70 degrees in the afternoon and also discovered does not provide a discount for being fake military.

Chattanooga Bystander endorses Mayor Andy Berke for Mayor and a third term

The Chattanooga Bystander is proud to endorse current City of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke for the upcoming 2021 City of Chattanooga Mayorship election. While this isn’t legally possible, we will lay out a few reasons why we think it should happen anyway.

Saving the taxpayers’ money: he’s been in office for a while now. We’re sure he’s accumulated quite a few knickknacks around the office so it would take many moving trucks to get everything out. It will cost quite a bit to change all the names painted, printed, or embossed on various things in the city, and that shit ain’t cheap

2020 really didn’t count: Zoom is bullshit and not real life.

There is like 300 people running: We all know there is going to be runoffs, and we can’t deal with these signs anymore. Just give him the damn thing

We all know Andy has had his ups and downs, but who hasn’t? He’s managed to get our town voted best down ever by people who have never been anywhere else, plus the internet is good. So when you head to the poll, be sure to write in Andy 2021. If you already voted, just show back up and see if you can change your vote. Not sure if that’s legal but worth a shot.

Mayoral candidate Christopher Dahl unloads boatload of Rush Limbaugh death memes in an effort to gain attention

After a leading candidate for Chattanooga Mayor was spotted sharing a post supposedly celebrating the death of conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, Libertarian candidate Christopher Dahl took to social media to unload a collection of pro-death Limbaugh memes in hopes to snag some attention.

Experts believe Mr. Dahl hopes to gain some publicity with a copycat scandal that earned even more press for a leading candidate while those outside the top four have failed to gain any sort of noterity.

“He was spotted posting a “We have God-given free will to smoke cigars while denying lung cancer existed and then dying and going straight to hell” quote with a golden microphone floating in a lake of fire meme,” exclaimed a local Facebook police officer Donnie Covey. ‘This is shameful and I will contact the Chattanoogan at once.”

“I don’t know who he was but I’m still not going to vote for him,” explained Chattanooga voter Gary Plummer. “Posting a meme saying Mr. Limbaugh died choking on a fart covered cigar is the last straw for me.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene named the new leader of the Yellow Deli and Twelve Tribes after the founder dies

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After the death of the original leader from the Twelve Tribes, a cult that operates downtown Chattanooga’s Yellow Deli restaurant, a representative from the group announced they have found a suitable replacement in Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Greene, a freshman U.S. representative from Georgia’s 14th congressional district, has made recent headlines for her wack-job beliefs in the far right conspiracy theory group or cult called “QAnon”, which many are saying puts her in a perfect position to lead the Twelve Tribes group.

“The first order of business is to rename ourselves the Thirteen Tribes because rightful President Donald J Trump should be his own tribe,” explained Greene to a group of high supporters. “Make that 14 when Q arrives”.

Experts believe Greenes will get right to work putting her own touch on the Yellow Deli menu. Sources say patrons, which are now called “patriotons” of the restaurant can look forward to new menu items such as the “Q-euben” and the “Jewish Space Sandwich” to enjoy.

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