Dirk Savage

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Satan announces SFEST after JFEST is officially canceled

Just hours after concert organizers announced the yearly Christian music festival JFEST was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Dark Lord and ruler of Hell Satan announced plans to replace the gathering with his very own SFEST.

Experts believe the announcement comes after a multi-century battle of good vs evil.

“While Jehovah’s plans have been foiled once again, the ground will open and the gates of hell will rise upon the Tennessee Riverpark and SFEST will reign supreme,” explained Satan, while releasing a belly laugh full of fire and brimstone. “The fires of Hell are just hot enough to burn away the Coronavirus, and be sure to purchase a keepsake SFEST pentagram koozie from one of my demons in the merch tent.”

LOCAL FREEDOM FIGHTER: This lady only angry reacts to every Andy Berke video broadcast

While many people across the country are taking to the streets protesting state and city-mandated stay at home orders, Chattanooga woman Sally Thanderfield is doing her part by only providing an “angry” reaction to every video post that Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has made.

Many residents have criticized the Mayor for what they believe are infringements on their constitutional rights by not allowing them to gather in large places and lick public doorknobs.

We spoke with Sally Thanderfield, who internet freedom activists are calling a hero for her willingness and preparedness to always send red angry face reactions whenever Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke is providing an update to constituents via social media video.

“He is saying my salon cannot reopen when he probably knows damn well my perm has gone to hell,” explained Mrs. Thanderfield, while shuffling a mask around her face. “My truck is out of gas and I was told I can get the corona from gas pumps, so take my angry reaction Mayor Andy Buttke!”

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.

Old Southside YMCA to become collection of dollar deal stores

After being vacant for almost 40 years, the old Southside YMCA building is set to become a collection of dollar deal stores later this year.

Owners say there will be a monthly membership to access the exclusive clubs. Sources say there will be a $1 initiation fee and $1 monthly dues for personal and $1 for couples.

More on this later.

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public.

Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not really give a shit since they were sold at deep-fried.

“I was pretty upset that Nikkis was closing and would have to search elsewhere for a 5000 calorie meal, but then they told me this new tall house cluster was gonna be dipped in hot oil and then I got hungry,” exclaimed North Chattanooga resident Bobby Tubbies.

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis.

Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day to day operations of TDOT and possibly looking to lock down essential systems in seek of a ransom, or it may have just been a coworker.

“We apologize for all holiday season travelers who may have spotted the digital penis during the lengthy time it was erect,” explained TDOT spokesman Charles Marshall. “We have replaced the penis with the initially planned joke about “not seeing you all year.”

Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.

“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”

“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”

We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.

Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.

“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.

“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”

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