December 2015

Lee University recognized as hotbed for National Karaoke Winners

Lee University, the college located in Cleveland, Tennessee, has made news again for producing another nationally recognized prize winning karaoke singing boy. Jordan Smith, who previously was apart of the famous “Lee Karaoke Singers”, defeated a number of other Karaoke hot shits to win top prize of $100,000 and a brand new Karaoke machine with 6″ LCD screen.

“Ever since I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going places,” said Cleveland area bowling alley Karaoke leeorganizer Jeffrey Bradson. “He used to amaze us with a glorious heart-felt rendition of “Carry of My Wayward Son.”

Lee University has announced plans to offer more karaoke based course offerings. Partnerships were formed with Sing it or Wing it and Buds Sports Bar to scout more talent for classes.

Will This Turd Float? contest awards poop-related innovation

willthisturdfloatChattanooga’s best and brightest entrepreneurs will face off tomorrow at the “Will This Turd Float?” event, a contest which will award the most promising and innovative poop-related business ideas.

Presented by the local startup incubator CO.LON, Will This Turd Float? spotlights the most forward-thinking fecal pioneers in the city, serving as a sort of laxative to swiftly force out ideas to fruition, like a serving of bad salmon causing some ass-spraying mayhem.

“Everybody poops,” sang CO.LON representative Mason Halloweski, to the tune of R.E.M.’s song “Everybody Hurts,” at a press conference earlier today. “Some…times.”

“You can’t avoid it,” said Halloweski. “Pooping is just a fact of life, so why not try to improve the experience?”

Here are the business proposals that will be presented tomorrow, with each team having three minutes to make a pitch to the panel of judges, comprised of local business leaders and proctologists.

* Poober: need to pinch a loaf, but there’s no public restroom in sight? Don’t fret – the mobile app Poober allows you to summon a portable toilet – a Port-O-John on a pickup truck – to your specific location, for a reasonable price.

* Papa’s Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag: this online store makes the selection and purchase of customized colostomy bags, available in a wide variety of festive colors and designs, as easy as clicking a button.

* Get Off The Pot: this mobile phone app lets you reserve a time slot in restrooms in Chattanooga’s most popular restaurants, assuring that you’ll get your turn when you need to drop a serious deuce. Air quality sensors located in the bathrooms provide warnings through the app, in case someone just unloaded a pungent, monster dump.

* PoopShoot: it’s common practice to take photographs of your meals, so why not take it to the next level? The PoopShoot app, which is compatible with all major social media sites, is the easiest way to share with friends and family photos of your meals in their final states. To borrow the slogan of the Chattanooga Bystander, “Too much information is not enough.”

* Wyped Out: it’s one of the most frustrating things for blind and vision-impaired people – when do you know when you are done wiping? The Wyped Out system uses sophisticated hi-res cameras and sensor technology to alert you when your ass is sufficiently clean. No more pesky dingleberries!

* InstaCrap: there’s nothing quite as satisfying as a good dump. In this day and age, with coddled youths winning trophies for just showing up, why not commemorate a gratifying load by creating a souvenir? InstaCrap uses the latest scanning and 3D printing technology to create a plastic half-scale replica of your butt dumplings in less than 15 minutes.

Strippers, Pawn Shop owners preparing for ROSSVILLEBLVDx24

Business owners and stripping professionals have been preparing for the yearly ROSSVILLEBLVDx24, a celebration of local businesses and activities located on Rossville Boulevard. Not to be confused with the competing MAINx24, ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 offers a complete greasy family friendly experience, according to Pawn Shop owner Cloudus White.

rossville“ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 shows the fun side of Rossville Boulevard that families never get to truly experience,” explained White. “Parents can bring their children to touch an acne covered ass or make a down payment on a used power drill.”

Food and watered down liquor will be served from a number of boarded up restaurants. Matinee showings of classic adult flicks will be shown at the adult theater, along with a cakewalk and corn hole.