May 2013

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition


In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

traffic camera“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

Sandy the Flower Man wins USA Cycling Championship

Sandy the Flower Man (Source:
Sandy the Flower Man (Source:

In a stunning victory, defeating dozens of seasoned, professional cyclists, local celebrity Sandy the Flower Man won the USA Cycling Professional Time Trial Championship, held for the first time in Chattanooga over the weekend after starting in Philadelphia in 1985 and being held for the last seven years in Greenville, S.C.

Sandy the Flower Man, whose real name is Oterius Bell, unintentionally won the championship race because he was strongly compelled to travel to the downtown area immediately, but he was told by race officials that the roads were blocked off because of the event and that the only way he could make his way downtown unimpeded was to officially enter the competition.

“I just had this feeling that, right at that time, there were two young lovers somewhere downtown who needed to be brought together, and my giving the young lady a daffodil was going to be the catalyst for this budding romance,” said Sandy the Flower Man, after winning the race. “I had to do everything within my ability to make this happen.”

Sandy the Flower Man is a Chattanooga mainstay, often seen riding his bicycle and wearing his trademark black cowboy hat and sleeveless vest during the evening and late-night hours around downtown establishments, handing out flowers with a gentle, welcoming smile.

The U.S. Marine Corps veteran works as a handyman during the daytime hours and is a cancer survivor, leading some spectators to make comparisons to cancer survivor and cyclist Lance Armstrong, if Armstrong gave away flowers and didn’t illegally use performance enhancing drugs and didn’t disappoint millions of people.

After Sandy the Flower Man fiercely pedaled his way past the finish line, he was presented with a medal and a bouquet of flowers, to which he replied, “Oh my!” expressing both surprise and delight.

Sandy immediately threw down his bicycle and began to dismantle the flower bouquet, handing out the blossoms to couples as he made his way through the cheering crowd on his determined matchmaking quest.

Sandy the Flower Man
Sandy the Flower Man


Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house!  Woop woop!”

Local NRA Chapter calls for the Arming of Bald Eagles


After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

NRA-logo“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Just Busted magazine offers new dating service

Just Busted magazine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Just Busted magazine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Just Busted is a Red Bank, Tenn.-based weekly publication that features mugshots taken from police department arrest records, with several editions covering various regions across the nation, and the magazine’s publishers announced at a press conference yesterday that they have expanded their operations, now offering a dating service to allow readers with romantic intentions to contact the criminal suspects documented in their magazines.

“Naughty girls need love too,” said co-founder Tilda Rutterford. “How many times have you thumbed through Just Busted, come across the pretty face of some fine young thing and thought to yourself, ‘I’d hit it’?”

For willing participants, suspects can add personal information to their profiles such as hobbies, turn-ons and turn-offs, displayed underneath their mugshots, at no cost, while those interested in contacting the suspects will be charged a small fee.

“Take a look at this strapping lad, Craig,” said Rutterford while holding up the new edition of Just Busted. “It says his nickname is ‘Little Caesar’ because he’s hot and ready. I’ll say! I’d let this fellow stick a shank in me, if you know what I mean.”

“Here’s a rugged-looking man, Desmond, arrested for domestic assault,” said Rutterford. “His hobbies include wine-making, which he said he learned by making toilet-tank raisin jack while in the big house. I bet there’s an interesting story behind that!”

“Aw, look here at this sweet-faced young woman named Charlie, busted for prostitution,” continued Rutterford. “She said her friends call her ‘Charlie Chaplin’ because she’s a little tramp.”

“You might be thinking, ‘Why the hell are these people smiling in their mugshots?'” said Rutterford. “They’re smiling because they know that someone like you is going to contact them, hot stuff!”


Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds

Alan Golds Nightclub
Alan Golds Nightclub

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

Little Debbie commemorates 175th anniversary of Cherokee removal with “Trail Mix of Tears”

Trail Mix of Tears
Trail Mix of Tears

Known as part of the “Trail of Tears,” the forced removal of Cherokee people from the Southeast to the Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River began in May 1838, with this year marking its 175th anniversary.

While this was a regrettable episode in American history which resulted in an estimated 4,000 deaths of Cherokee people, the Collegedale, Tenn.-based McKee Foods Corporation, the parent company of the snack-food brand Little Debbie, is making it a little more delicious with the introduction of a limited-run snack product, “Trail Mix of Tears,” to commemorate the Cherokee removal.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Ross’s Landing—one of the notable Trail of Tears departure points bearing the name of Principal Chief John Ross of the Cherokee Nation—McKee Foods spokesperson Abel Hehnley introduced the new product, accompanied by a Little Debbie lookalike, wearing a Native American headdress instead of the straw hat seen in the brand’s logo.

“We must never forget the Trail of Tears, which was undeniably a dark moment in the fabric of our rich history,” said Hehnley, “and what better way to remember than with this scrumptious new snack food.”

“Whether you’re on a nature hike on Lookout Mountain or participating in a thousand-mile death march, Little Debbie’s Trail Mix of Tears will give you a boost of energy with a delectable mixture of fruit, nuts, beef jerky bits, seeds and maple and chocolate candy pieces,” said Hehnley. “We know you’ll love our new spin on pemmican, the Native American food.”

Free samples were handed out at the press conference, with the product’s packaging bearing a likeness of John Ross standing at Ross’s Landing with an outstretched hand, holding chocolate chunks, cashews and banana chips.

The reception of the new snack food was generally positive, with one attendee overheard as saying, “Genocide has never tasted so good!”

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

UFC logo (source:
UFC logo (source:

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.


After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows cotennesseeriverstsming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.

Chattanooga Bigfoot arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to Signal Mountain Teenagers

In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend.

Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were leaving from the noise complaint just an hour before.

“We believed it to be just another horseshit drunken redneck Bigfoot sighting,” said Signal Mountain Police Chief Boyd Veal, “but the call came from within two blocks of the private school brat slosh fest that officers had just shut down.

bigfootThe Bigfoot, who recently appeared in news reports about his four plus decades of sightings, is currently being held on accusations of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“I was like, totally freaked out at first.” said 17 year old GPS student, escaped party goer, and Signal Mountain resident Gabby Westerman, “but then we knew he was super cool when he handed us all Bud Lights.”

No stranger to the charges brought against it, records from 1988 show the Chattanooga Bigfoot was accused of providing a group of teenagers some methamphetamine and LSD. Witnesses said the Bigfoot caused no bodily injury, as history would suggest, it only wanted to prove that it was “hip”.





photo taken from Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.