September 2016

Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

Published on
/

While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”. Experts question why students from each school make an effort to distribute the banners around the city, as a majority of the Chattanooga area population do not give two flying shit about the game.

Both schools now have a tradition of creating of popular internet “hype videos” for the yearly football battle, otherwise known as the “Pat Robertson Trust Fund Bowl”. Sources say these videos only add to the annoyance of students driving around while hootin’ and hollerin’ with banners on the back of their vehicles.

“It’s like clockwork every year to have to clean up the mess after seeing some shaggy-haired kid wearing a jacket, tie, and cargo shorts hop out of a 75 thousand dollar car to hang a huge banner on an overpass,” explained concerned citizen Jeffrey Coopers. “These kids deserve spankings, but I’m sure their dads are hot shit lawyers.”

Berke admits to giving secret decoder rings to staff

Published on
/

Mayor Andy Berke admitted at a press conference this afternoon that he had previously given secret decoder rings to members of his staff for communication purposes, raising concerns about transparency and the ability to fulfill open records requests.

“Although we stopped using the rings and threw them away, as far as I know, the city of Chattanooga has no policy that disallows the use of such decoder rings,” said Berke.

Each member of Berke’s staff was assigned a different colored ring, and to begin each daily staff meeting, members would bring their hands together so that their rings would form a rainbow, according to an inside source.

Berke would then declare, “Berke Team Rainbow Seven, commence!” and the staff would clap their hands once in unison, before making an “X” with their forearms and tilting their heads down briefly.

Berke also admitted to using lemon juice as ink for certain written communications and encouraging the use of “leetspeak.”

At the end of the press conference, Berke said some words that were undecipherable by the audience.

“Etslay etgay theway ellhay outway ofway erehay, acystay,” said Berke.

Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)
Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

Published on
///

In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

Local elderly woman claims creepy clowns are cause of gas shortages

Published on

In a social networking post made by 73 year old Chattanooga native Doris Knight, residents of the area should be on the lookout for persons of interest dressed as clowns who are stealing gas from area gas stations.

The post was made after reports of Doris missing a dose of her medication and mixing local stories together early this afternoon.

“They are coming here, wearing clown masks, and taking all of the gases”, exclaimed Knight. “I can only assume they are filling their clown shoes with gas and luring children into the woods with BI-LO fuel perks.”

Miss Knight went on to claim law enforcement is not doing enough to address the situation because they are wasting our tax dollars by throwing away the Mayor’s meals behind Las Margaritas.  

TEMA apologizes for “You are going to die soon” test alerts

Published on

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) apologized after bombarding mobile phone users with a barrage of test alerts that told the recipients that they were going to die horrible deaths in the near future.

The graphic alerts, none of which bothered to explicitly say that it was just a test to kick off National Preparedness Month, went into extreme detail about the excruciating pain that was imminent, due to a variety of simultaneous disasters, and they even described the types of wildlife that would feed on the recipients’ carcasses.

Several alerts expressed an existential anguish, chiding recipients who believed they were at death’s door that they spent too much time working rather than playing with their children, while other alerts encouraged Tennessee residents to be adventurous and go wild with abandon in the last few minutes of their lives.

“We are so, so sorry for the confusion and misunderstandings,” said TEMA director, Jerred Yeardley. “But on the bright side, my wife and I just had the best sex of our lives.”