May 2014

Twenty-seven new Mexican restaurants to open in downtown area

Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

After the recent opening of three new Mexican restaurants in the vicinity of Miller Plaza – El Macho Taco, Mexiville and the second location of Taqueria Jalisco – it was announced that 27 more Mexican restaurants would open in downtown Chattanooga in the next month.

“This news is a boon for fans of Mexican cuisine like myself,” said resident Cara Helfgott. “Previously, we had to depend on only several dozen Mexican restaurants in the area, like La Altena, Cancun, Ovalle’s, Mojo Burrito in St. Elmo or the various taquerias on Main Street. Or north of the river, Taco Mamacita, Poblano’s, Taconooga, Las Margaritas, El Meson, plus assorted franchises.”

Reportedly, every owner of each of the 27 new Mexican restaurants was completely oblivious to the knowledge that the other restaurants were opening in the same proximity at the same time.

Among the 27 new restaurants to be opening soon are Haught Tamale, Let’s Taco ‘Bout Love, Monsters of Guac, Omnipotent Taco, Sporty Taco, Baby Taco, Posh Taco, Erudite Taco, Pink Taco, Cinco de Cuatro, Burritos As Big As Your Ass, Picnic at Hanging Guac, Persona Non Enchilada, Ceviche Guevara, Juan of Us Gooble Gobble, Rend Your Heart And Nacho Garments (Joel 2:13), Chimichanga’s Revenge, Ye Olde Taqueria, Everything’s a Taco!, Medulla Enchilada and Getting Jalapeno Grill.

Mayor Berke to shave entire body for charity

Andy Berke
Andy Berke

At a press conference today, Mayor Andy Berke committed to shaving his entire body to help raise funds for charity.

The local charity Jack’s Chattanoggins has scheduled its annual event at the Chattanooga Market for June 1, at which time the participants will shave their heads to show support for cancer patients and raise funds to fight childhood cancer.

Berke has pledged to not only shave his head but also to completely remove any hair from his body in order to support the cause.

“It’s time to mow the lawn,” said Berke. “I’m talking every nook and cranny. When I get done, my huevos will be as smooth as summer cherries.”

“This will take me back to my Stanford days,” said Berke. “Let’s just say that my fraternity’s initiation involved a car wash and a bottle of Nair.”

Gov. Haslam approves “Death By Chocolate” for executions

Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

On Thursday, Gov. Bill Haslam approved legislation that would permit the alternate execution method of “Death By Chocolate” for death row inmates in the situation where it is not possible to obtain the drugs used for lethal injections.

The law was drafted because of the increasing difficulty that states have been facing regarding obtaining lethal injection drugs, primarily from European pharmaceutical companies, due to the negative attitudes the companies have toward capital punishment.

Anti-death penalty advocates have claimed that the law is unconstitutional and would qualify as being “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“There is nothing cruel about being bathed in rich, creamy milk chocolate,” said Haslam. “Some would call it luxurious, and I can’t think of a more humane – and delicious – way to die.”

The legislation specified that “Death By Chocolate” would not necessarily count as an inmate’s last meal request.

Corker, Google tell businesses without websites to “ask your kids how to do it”

Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

On Monday at Miller Plaza, Senator Bob Corker and experts from Google told local small businesses that did not have websites to ask their kids to help set them up.

“In Tennessee, 59 percent of all small businesses don’t yet have a website,” said Corker. “For heaven’s sake, just ask your kids how to do it. This isn’t rocket science, people.”

“If you don’t have kids, then ask your nieces and nephews, or your neighbor’s kids,” said Corker. “Working with computers is just second nature to kids today, and I bet they’d do it for a package of Oreos and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.”

“Theoretically, anyone who has basic computer skills and can read and follow simple directions can make a daggum website,” said Corker. “But if that’s still too difficult, then just make your kids do it for you.”

When asked where a person could find directions on creating a website, Corker rolled his eyes and said, “Let me Google that for you.”

Weston Wamp wears Google Glass to record all conversations

Google Glass (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:
Google Glass (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:

After Google made available for sale to the public its wearable computer Google Glass earlier this week, in its beta “Explorer” edition, Republican Congressional candidate for Tennessee’s 3rd District Weston Wamp announced that he had purchased one, in order to record all conversations.

Wamp received criticism when on March 15, at a visit to former opponent Scottie Mayfield’s house, he secretly recorded his conversation with Mayfield and Mayfield’s wife Lisa on his iPhone when attempting to earn Mayfield’s endorsement, later informing Mayfield by text message, “To protect myself, I have recorded my conversation with you and Lisa.”

“It is imperative, to keep Tennessee and our nation competitive, that we explore the latest technology,” said Wamp at a press conference yesterday, where he sported the optical head-mounted display. “And I am leading the way, being the first Congressional candidate to vow to wear Google Glass at all times.”

“Recording one conversation offers me a little protection, so recording all of my conversations will maximize my protection,” said Wamp. “Anyone who is running against a dishonest congressman who has already been sued for defamation of character would do the same thing.”

“This is exciting news,” said local technology enthusiast Margareta Kaskel. “I want to be a part of history, by voting for the first Glasshole Congressman.”

After the press conference, Wamp tilted his head upward and said, “O.K. Glass, get directions to Dave & Buster’s.”

Chuck Fleischmann endorsed by two prominent Mayfield Dairy Cows.

A week after two renowned war veterans expressed support for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional nominee Weston Wamp, two former Mayfield Dairy cows announced their support for Wamp’s opponent Chuck Fleischmann.

The two dairy cows were once suppliers for former nominee and recent Fleischmann supporter/bromamce partner Scotty Mayfield’s family business.

fleischmann-cows2“While being a war hero is a highly honorable and commendable accomplishment, I’m sure having a part of the body squeezed over and over throughout the day is comparable to being in the shit,”  said Fleishmann, while proceeding to extract a steady stream of milk from one cow’s udder into his mouth.

Chatter Magazine changes name to “Photos of Rich White People”

Rich white people (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Rich white people (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The Chattanooga-based magazine Chatter changed its name this week to Photos of Rich White People in order to more precisely describe its contents.

“Our staff is dedicated to creating a magazine jam-packed with photos of Chattanooga’s beautiful and handsome bourgeoisie, smugly patting each other on the back with self-satisfaction at charity balls or award ceremonies,” said editor-in-chief Lee Bocatelli at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “And our new name is a reflection of that.”

“We want to show the wide diversity of people who are affluent WASPs in Chattanooga,” said Bocatelli. “We have outdoorsy adventure hippies who are chiropractors and acupuncturists, we have well-dressed, stylish trust-fund kids who have never held real jobs, we have artists who sell artwork exclusively for the lobbies of hotels and bank offices and we have your old-school sugar daddies who look like Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard.”

“There’s nothing more interesting to rich white people than other rich white people, so it makes both readers and advertisers happy,” said Bocatelli.

City Council to skirt open meetings laws by speaking in Pig Latin

Chattanooga fountain (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Chattanooga fountain (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

After the Chattanooga City Council was lectured on Tuesday by state attorney Elisha Hodge of the Office of Open Records Counsel regarding how the council violated Tennessee open meetings laws, members of the council started to use alternate communication methods, such as speaking in Pig Latin, to skirt the current rules.

“Sometimes, we want to discuss matters that we simply don’t want the public to know about,” said the City Council in a written statement.

“For example, which council member has three nipples, which one made out with their blood-related cousin back in high school, and which one has a tattoo of Cheech and Chong on their butt,” said the statement. “One face on each cheek.”

Last week, the council discussed the city’s $24 million streetlight replacement program behind closed doors, even forcing a reporter to leave.

The council first claimed that the attorney-client privilege protected it, then said that audit-related discussions were private and finally maintained that the meeting was an information session, after Hodge refuted the first claims.

“Everyone in government says they are for transparency,” said the statement. “But really, we prefer translucency, like a paper wrapper around a hamburger that has been left in a car all afternoon, soaked with grease so you can kind of, sort of see through it.”

Observers noted that council members began to obscure their communication after Hodge’s clarification of the law by using various methods, such as using code names and spelling out words, while keeping the meeting open to the public.

“I was totally bewildered by what they were saying,” said Chattanooga resident Albert Bodmann, who was in attendance. “One of them said something like, ‘izmay odgehay ancay itebay emay.'”

Basil Marceaux defeats incumbent Jim Coppinger in Hamilton County Mayoral primary

Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source:
Basil Marceaux (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. Source:

In what was projected to be an easy victory for Republican incumbent Jim Coppinger in the Hamilton County Mayoral primary election today, vote counts have shown a clear victory for challenger Basil Marceaux.

Marceaux has received national attention for being a perennial candidate with unconventional viewpoints, and he is a resident of Soddy Daisy, a former Marine and businessman who has fought against “traffic stop slavery,” car emissions testing and gold fringes on flags.

If elected to political office, Marceaux has vowed to move the Tennessee capital from Nashville to Chattanooga, force all citizens to carry guns and deport anyone who looks “like a Mexican.”

Marceaux will face independent candidate Richard Ford in the mayoral election in August.