December 2016

Police blame Hamilton Place Mall incident on the shit show that is 2016


Some 24 hours after fireworks were set off in Hamilton Place Mall that caused a commotion with multiple injuries, Chattanooga police have placed the blame to none other than the year 2016.

“It’s been pretty much a terrible year for humanity, so why not place the blame on 2016,” explained Chattanooga Police spokesmen Duke Shitemen. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some lousy kids dressed in the numbers 2016 were able to pull this off and get away scot-free.”

Sources believe this won’t be the last time 2016 will rear its ugly head.

“We are currently preparing for the strong possibility of 2016 causing the Tennessee River to drain, only to re-appear on Missionary Ridge with St Elmo floating in it,” exclaimed Shitemen.
“After the year we’ve endured, why not?”

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium.

“We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg wildfires that spread rapidly due to high winds that were up to 87 miles an hour.”

For this concert, Earth, Wind & Fire will be billed as “Earth, Wind & Fire Minus Wind & Fire” to reflect the change.

“This kind of preventative action is not unprecedented,” said Conpuro. “The Tennessee Department of Health banned Blood from concerts by Blood, Sweat and Tears during the ’80s AIDS epidemic.”

City of Chattanooga to close every downtown business, all to reopen as Hotel or Escape Game

According to City of Chattanooga spokesman Larry McDowell, plans have been put in place to temporarily close down every downtown business and reopen them as large scale hotels or escape games. The announcement comes after numerous new escape skill games have opened in the area and the development of about 30 hotels.

“The future is now in escaping, sleeping, or a place to do some adultery things” exclaimed local zoning board member Kevin Thompson.

Some experts believe new city tax incentives will bring about hotels that incorporate escape games in its guest rooms.

“We think people will go wild for a challenging escape from a glass hotel room with no door,” explained hotel builder Jerry Slanders. “The only problem we face now is where to unload all this sea life.”