January 2021

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene purchases bullshit detector on Craigslist

After receiving wide criticism for her support of wild conspiracy theories on social media, North Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced that she purchased a bullshit detector from someone on Craigslist.

This bullshit detector, which resembles a waffle iron glued to a lava lamp wrapped with Christmas string lights, was purchased by Greene from a man known as “Lortab Larry” for $5000, paid in Applebee’s gift cards.

Greene, who in the last few years has supported allegations that the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings were “false flag” events and that Democrats are part of a global cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, will use the bullshit detector to determine the veracity of claims from her constituents.

“I just got this email from one of my supporters that as a child, AOC was possessed by the devil and could rotate her head all the way around and also that she once rigged a bus so that it would explode if it went below 50 mph, and also she was responsible for the Rwandan genocide and participated in a human centipede in college, just for fun,” said Greene, before feeding a printout into her bullshit detector.

“Well what do you know, it’s all true,” said Greene, nodding solemnly.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

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After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Trump finds missing 11,780 ballots in Ark of the Covenant in Dalton

At a rally today in Dalton, Georgia, one day before the state’s runoff elections for its U.S. Senate seats, President Trump announced that he found 11,780 missing Presidential election ballots, hidden inside the legendary Ark of the Covenant, buried under a pile of discarded carpet samples.

Trump drew fierce criticism after a conversation leaked in which he asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, to “find 11,780 votes” that would tilt Georgia to favor Trump rather than the President-elect, Joe Biden.

“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” said Trump to thousands of followers at Dalton’s regional airport. “Sad!”

As Trump read the ballots, one by one, he was pleased to discover that all of them were votes for him.

“I had Pence open the Ark for me, because I saw what happened in that Indiana Jones documentary to those Nazis,” said Trump.

Megachurch to add snake handling, live tigers to packed, maskless services

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After receiving criticism for holding indoor church services with hundreds of people without distancing or mask requirements, a Cleveland megachurch decided to step up their faith by adding snake handling and live tigers to their services, during a time when Tennessee was ranked first in the nation for new COVID-19 cases per capita.

“Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, but he also taught us not to be pussies,” said churchgoer Clyde Tamrenn. “Man, having these tigers just roam free is taking my faith to the next level, even though they’re kind of spooked by the loud music and all the jumping and singing and people falling down crying.”

“Y’all, dig on this double dog determinism from my main man John Calvin: God already knows if each of us is preordained to eternal life or eternal damnation, along with the interpretation of divine foreknowledge and omniscience that can be compatible with metaphysical free will,” said Tamrenn. “So even if we choose to party with these rattlesnakes and wild tigers, whether or not we get poisoned and horribly mauled is up to God’s will.”

“So likewise, I can choose to walk across a busy highway without looking, and if I die, then hey, God’s will,” said Tamrenn. “At least I’m not a pussy, like Satan.”

Rep Fleischmann spotted at local adult store preparing for next encounter with Trump

After news broke that Representative Chuck Fleischmann would join in objecting to President-Elect Joe Biden’s certification, it was reported the congressman was spotted at a local adult store purchasing BDSM supplies in preparation for his next run-in with Trump. A bystander spotted Chucky trying on different outfits and talking to himself in a mirror.

“Please don’t say mean things on the internet about me daddy Trump, I promise I’ll be good and do whatever you want,” exclaimed Fleischmann into a mirror, while placing a MAGA bondage mask on his head and fastening on orange nipple clamps.

Sources have also discovered secret service was made aware the congressman’s safe word is “Fleshmann”, just in case things got a little out of hand with the departing losing president.