November 2013

Tenn. Poison Control and Miley Cyrus unveil new warning sticker design

"Miley Yuk" poison warning sticker
“Miley Yuk” poison warning sticker

Coinciding with Nashville-born pop star Miley Cyrus’ 21st birthday, it was announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon by the Tennessee Poison Center that Cyrus had teamed up with the organization to make a new warning sticker design.

The stickers are intended to be placed on containers which hold poisonous household materials, to warn children to not ingest them.

“The old Mr. Yuk design was just getting outdated,” said Tennessee Poison Center director Pat Baldacci. “Now kids these days, they pay attention to Miley. And, she’ll get her face plastered on thousands of containers all across the state, so it’s a win-win situation.”

Mr. Yuk did not respond to the Chattanooga Bystander‘s request for comments.

UTC to provide free megaphones to professors, students

Megaphone (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Megaphone (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

In response to numerous requests for the administration of the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga (UTC) to deal with the issue of evangelical preacher Angela Cummings, a self-declared “saint” who has caused a stir with her outdoor, on-campus sermons, considered by many to be excessively loud and disruptive for nearby classes, UTC has implemented a new program to provide the use of megaphones for professors and students, free of charge.

“Our hands are pretty much tied,” said UTC provost Dr. Braden Hunniford at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Rev. Cummings is exercising her First Amendment freedom-of-speech rights, so right now, we can’t do a thing to remove her from our campus or to shut her piehole.”

“But what we can do is give everyone these police-grade megaphones,” said Hunniford. “If it gets difficult to hear a professor’s lecture over this screeching harpy’s self-righteous yappings, then have the professor use one of these megaphones in order to be heard. It’s that simple.”

The issue received national attention in the last week after 24-year-old Colton Montvalo was arrested for disorderly conduct and other charges, who attempted to speak with Cummings after breaching a barricade surrounding her with his bicycle.

In addition to this, Hunniford described an effort to propose a new Constitutional Amendment which is gaining considerable traction, which would improve the original text of the First Amendment, by clarifying that “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, unless it is that of Angela Cummings.”

Local swingers propose “Friends With Benefits” ordinance

Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Swingers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

On November 12, the City Council of Chattanooga passed the first reading of a controversial ordinance that would allow unmarried domestic partners of city employees – regardless of sexual orientation – to receive benefits such as medical, dental, vision and life insurance.

While the ordinance, which narrowly passed with a 5 to 4 vote, was met with praise in addition to intense criticism, a group has emerged with its own proposal that would take the ordinance to another level.

Local swingers have banded together and drafted an even more inclusive ordinance, called the “Friends With Benefits” ordinance, which would extend benefits to all adult sexual partners of city employees.

“We swingers are all about spreading the love,” said swinger representative, Vern Scheerin, at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Swingers need love. And insurance. And herpes medication.”

Scheerin, sporting a mustache, gold chain and a halfway-unbuttoned butterfly-collar paisley shirt, acknowledged that some employees might attempt to take advantage of the system, but he said that the ordinance is written in a such a way to reduce abuse.

“Before a city employee’s f-ck buddy can receive benefits, there must first be proof that actual, consensual penetration has occurred,” said Scheerin. “That random make-out partner you dry-humped while trashed on Natural Light, behind a Hooters in Myrtle Beach on spring break – nope, that doesn’t count.”

“According to this proposed ordinance, the proof may be in the form of a notarized affidavit with sworn statements from both persons or photographic documentation, which I will personally review,” said Scheerin, before licking his lips.

Littlefield glad he is no longer considered worst mayor ever

Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Left: Former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield. Right: Toronto mayor Rob Ford (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

After a tumultuous week for Toronto mayor Rob Ford, with shocking revelations including admitting to the use of illicit drugs and leaked video footage with Ford making drunken vows to murder an unidentified person, former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield expressed relief that he was no longer considered to be the worst mayor ever.

The embattled Littlefield endured constant criticism during his two terms as mayor of Chattanooga and was subjected to an ultimately unsuccessful recall campaign coordinated by three groups: the Chattanooga Tea Party, Chattanooga Organized for Action and Citizens to Recall Mayor Littlefield.

“Thank goodness I won’t go down in history as being the worst mayor ever,” said Littlefield. “And all it took was an alcoholic, drunk-driving, crack-smoking, belligerent, death-threat-making, sexist, racist, homophobic Canuck who talks about going down on his wife on live television.”

Marion County football coach tattoos rival’s logo on forehead to inspire his team

Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt
Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt

Earlier this week, Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt was arrested and charged with vandalizing his own school by surreptitiously spray painting the logo of rival South Pittsburg High School and derogatory names in an attempt to rally and energize his own team before a game between the two schools two weeks ago.

Although that scheme didn’t work – the South Pittsburgh High team defeated the Marion County High team, 35 to 17 – Schmitt has gone even further, defacing himself by tattooing the logo and pirate mascot of South Pittsburg High School to his forehead, apparently trying to inspire his team.

Schmitt, who has stated previously that his favorite film is Fast Times at Ridgemont High, has more plans involving offbeat techniques, including personally defiling the Marion County High mascot, the Warrior.

Cleveland State Lady Cougars change name to Lady MILFs

Cleveland State Lady MILFs
Cleveland State Lady MILFs

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Cleveland State Community College, it was announced that the women’s basketball team had changed its name from Lady Cougars to Lady MILFs, soon after the opening of its 2013-2014 season.

“The name ‘Lady Cougars’ didn’t bring to mind the image we wanted,” said women’s basketball coach Pam Wassermann. “When you think of a female cougar, you think of a withered middle-aged lady wearing too much make-up and an animal print top, smelling of the stench of desperation and a cheap Chanel No. 5 knock-off you’d find in a truck stop bathroom, haunting the line-dancing floor at the Electric Cowboy.”

“We wanted to convey a woman who was a little younger, yet just as feisty,” said Wassermann.

“Now a MILF, that’s different,” said Wassermann. “A MILF is a strong, active, fertile creature, ready to pick up junior from daycare after a busy day of hot yoga, shopping at the farmer’s market and selling homemade jewelry online on Etsy.”

Wassermann clarified that it was not required for a team member to have given birth or to be sexually attractive.

Chattanooga area gangs set to settle feud in a dance off

In a press conference held this morning in front of an East Lake community Church, members from opposing Chattanooga area gangs announced they would finally settle their differences in an old fashioned dance off.

gangsLeaders announced the dance off would be held in a neutral territory. McKenzie Arena and the Memorial Auditorium are among the areas being considered.

Judges for the scheduled dance off will include: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, Times Free Press resident gang expert David Cook, and gang truce founder Reginald “Joker” Oakley.

“It’s time to put down the motherfucking glock and bring out the break dancin’ box”, explained local gang leader Jamal Jeffers. “No longer will blood be spilled on these jazz hands.”