November 2013

On November 12, the City Council of Chattanooga passed the first reading of a controversial ordinance that would allow unmarried domestic partners of city employees – regardless of sexual orientation – to receive benefits such as medical, dental, vision and life insurance.

While the ordinance, which narrowly passed with a 5 to 4 vote, was met with praise in addition to intense criticism, a group has emerged with its own proposal that would take the ordinance to another level.

Local swingers have banded together and drafted an even more inclusive ordinance, called the “Friends With Benefits” ordinance, which would extend benefits to all adult sexual partners of city employees.

“We swingers are all about spreading the love,” said swinger representative, Vern Scheerin, at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Swingers need love. And insurance. And herpes medication.”

Scheerin, sporting a mustache, gold chain and a halfway-unbuttoned butterfly-collar paisley shirt, acknowledged that some employees might attempt to take advantage of the system, but he said that the ordinance is written in a such a way to reduce abuse.

“Before a city employee’s f-ck buddy can receive benefits, there must first be proof that actual, consensual penetration has occurred,” said Scheerin. “That random make-out partner you dry-humped while trashed on Natural Light, behind a Hooters in Myrtle Beach on spring break – nope, that doesn’t count.”

“According to this proposed ordinance, the proof may be in the form of a notarized affidavit with sworn statements from both persons or photographic documentation, which I will personally review,” said Scheerin, before licking his lips.

After a tumultuous week for Toronto mayor Rob Ford, with shocking revelations including admitting to the use of illicit drugs and leaked video footage with Ford making drunken vows to murder an unidentified person, former Chattanooga mayor Ron Littlefield expressed relief that he was no longer considered to be the worst mayor ever.

The embattled Littlefield endured constant criticism during his two terms as mayor of Chattanooga and was subjected to an ultimately unsuccessful recall campaign coordinated by three groups: the Chattanooga Tea Party, Chattanooga Organized for Action and Citizens to Recall Mayor Littlefield.

“Thank goodness I won’t go down in history as being the worst mayor ever,” said Littlefield. “And all it took was an alcoholic, drunk-driving, crack-smoking, belligerent, death-threat-making, sexist, racist, homophobic Canuck who talks about going down on his wife on live television.”