August 2021

Dying Covid patients asking for vaccine and refund on Riverbend tokens

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As hospital ICUs reach max capacity, mostly with unvaccinated Covid-19 patients, many doctors and nurses are reporting patients are asking if they can get the vaccine and a refund on previously purchased Riverbend tokens that were never spent due to a two year cancellation of the festival, only to be told it’s too late.

Sources are saying local hospitals such as Erlanger and Memorial have seen an uptick in patients complaining of extreme breathing issues, and carrying a large dusty sack of unused Riverbend tokens is not helping.

“My 58 year old unvaccinated Uncle Karl only wanted a single Miller light in 2018, but was forced to purchase 10 dollars worth of non-refundable Riverbend tokens, now he’s gasping for air with a tube down his throat after hours of watching Tucker Carlson only to be told it’s too late for a vaccination or any sort of Token refund,” explained one local resident, while grasping onto a shoebox full of Riverbend tokens.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

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After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.