Sports/Rec

TDOT to turn bumpy Wilcox Blvd. bridge into dirt bike track

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Dirt bike. Inset: Wilcox Blvd. speed bump.

After numerous complaints from residents about the poor condition of the Wilcox Blvd. bridge – citing massive speed bumps and gaps – the Tenn. Department of Transportation announced that it would turn the bumpy bridge into a dirt bike track, instead of going with the original plan of rebuilding the bridge.

“Dudes and dudettes, we were inspired and stoked by the Chattanooga River Games last weekend and its totally gnarly extreme sports,” said TDOT representative Herc Cisspott in a heavy Californian surfer accent. “Instead of trying to fix these bat-shit-crazy bumps and bitch-ass cracks, why not take advantage of them?”

“In the extreme world of dirt bike racing, the bumpier and more dangerous the track, the better,” said Cisspott. “We are already planning a new extreme sports festival, centered on the Wilcox Blvd. bridge, and we plan on calling it the ‘Rock Out with Your Wilcox Out’ Fest.”

“Imagine some aggro biker just totally fucking shredding and then hitting some epic bump and catching beaucoup hang time. But then, oh fuck, they botch the landing and just fly right off the bridge, ass over tits, and wipe out like a mofo,” said Cisspott, before making the “devil horns” sign with his right hand and sticking out his tongue. “It’s gonna be siiiiiiick.”

Rep. Fleischmann demands Chatt. Red Wolves change team name to Redskins

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In an attempt to appease President Trump, Rep. Chuck Fleischmann has demanded that the soccer club Chattanooga Red Wolves change its name to Chattanooga Redskins, after Trump threatened to block a stadium deal if the Washington Commanders didn’t go back to its previous name, Washington Redskins.

“I’d literally kiss Trump’s ass if I had the chance, but for now, this will have to do,” said Fleischmann, a Trump partisan who voted in favor of the Trump-supported “One Big Beautiful Bill Act” which will increase the U.S. deficit by around $3.3 trillion.

Sports teams with Native American names, such as the Cleveland Indians (currently named The Guardians), the Atlanta Braves, and the Chicago Blackhawks, have been a topic of debate for decades, with opponents citing insensitivity and racism.

In a similar but opposite fashion, Fleischmann demanded that local Cracker Barrel restaurants change their name to “Whiteskin Barrel,” saying that the word “cracker” is insensitive towards white people.

“Stop the Steal” Alabama fans dispute Vols win

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University of Tennessee Volunteers

A small but loud group of fans of the University of Alabama’s football team are trying to “stop the steal” by disputing the University of Tennessee’s win last Saturday.

“Don’t believe the lamestream media, sheeple, it just doesn’t add up,” said Curt Mibinit, a skeptical Crimson Tide fan. “I am certain that someone from the Deep State was bumping up the points for the Vols on the scoreboard, right under our noses, when nobody was looking.”

“I simply refuse to concede that the Vols won on Saturday,” said Kendra Prashicord, an Alabama fan. “I heard from a friend of a friend that at least three of the referees have been on Epstein’s jet and are blood-drinking reptilian shape-shifters, so it’s all rigged. Why aren’t we investigating that? I’m just asking questions.”

On the other hand, a small faction of skeptical University of Tennessee fans are also disputing the widely accepted outcome of the game.

“The Vols won, absolutely, but by a much larger margin than 24 to 17,” said Vols fan Micah Chatlate. “Also, there were way more people in attendance than the alleged 101,915 capacity of Neyland Stadium. Like twice that number, at least. Huuuge crowds. The biggest crowds ever.”

“And what kind of name is Crimson Tide?” said Chatlate. “Sounds like the name of a women’s beach volleyball team whose periods have all synchronized on game day.”

Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

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During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.

“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”

“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”

We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.

All 2145 CFC owners vote to switch team to curling

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During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in preperation.

“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.

“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.

Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

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On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite.

“Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school, on a bright sunny day, I couldn’t wait to get outside to play. I’d find a nice cozy spot under a tree, pull out my GameBoy and play Tetris until I heard my mom call me in for dinner just before sunset.”

“We’re so blessed by this warm weather, since kids just seemed to be cooped up inside playing Fortnite for the last few months when it was rainy and cold,” said Randiston. “Now we can let kids be kids outside, playing Fortnite on their iPhones.”

Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

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During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club.

“You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you that’s why I am signing an executive order right that that allows me to only send messages about the Red Wolf Soccer.”

Swimming portion of Ironman back on after Tennessee River drained and refilled

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Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the Tennessee River.

Some competitors were fully prepared to put their lives and health on the line but were fine not having to do that as well.

“I was fully ready to be washed away or shit blood for the rest of eternity for a free t-shirt and bumper sticker”, said Ironman participant Hans Pantski. “Not having to do that is cool too.”

“The biggest challenge we faced was locating the stopper we placed at the bottom of the fast flowing river,” explained Army Corp of Engineers Ironman department spokesman Ray Dankman. “We were also very fortunate that many residents along the river were gracious enough to lend their garden hoses and water for a faster refill time.”

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

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After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team.

“Dear God, can we all agree that all of these names are pretty horrible?” said Blackburn. “I mean, Express? Generals? Ironhorses? Red Wolves? Sporting Chattanooga? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“This is the one and only topic in which we are in total agreement,” said Bredesen. “The shit is weak.”

“Why should the public vote on this? This is democracy at its worst,” said Blackburn, with Bredesen nodding his head.

“It’s like a kick in the balls, pun intended,” said Bredesen.

Online voting on the Chattanooga Pro Soccer website ends today.

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