Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.

“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”

“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”

We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.

All 2145 CFC owners vote to switch team to curling

During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in preperation.

“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.

“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.

Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite.

“Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school, on a bright sunny day, I couldn’t wait to get outside to play. I’d find a nice cozy spot under a tree, pull out my GameBoy and play Tetris until I heard my mom call me in for dinner just before sunset.”

“We’re so blessed by this warm weather, since kids just seemed to be cooped up inside playing Fortnite for the last few months when it was rainy and cold,” said Randiston. “Now we can let kids be kids outside, playing Fortnite on their iPhones.”

Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club


During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club.

“You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you that’s why I am signing an executive order right that that allows me to only send messages about the Red Wolf Soccer.”

Swimming portion of Ironman back on after Tennessee River drained and refilled

Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the Tennessee River.

Some competitors were fully prepared to put their lives and health on the line but were fine not having to do that as well.

“I was fully ready to be washed away or shit blood for the rest of eternity for a free t-shirt and bumper sticker”, said Ironman participant Hans Pantski. “Not having to do that is cool too.”

“The biggest challenge we faced was locating the stopper we placed at the bottom of the fast flowing river,” explained Army Corp of Engineers Ironman department spokesman Ray Dankman. “We were also very fortunate that many residents along the river were gracious enough to lend their garden hoses and water for a faster refill time.”

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade


Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names


After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team.

“Dear God, can we all agree that all of these names are pretty horrible?” said Blackburn. “I mean, Express? Generals? Ironhorses? Red Wolves? Sporting Chattanooga? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“This is the one and only topic in which we are in total agreement,” said Bredesen. “The shit is weak.”

“Why should the public vote on this? This is democracy at its worst,” said Blackburn, with Bredesen nodding his head.

“It’s like a kick in the balls, pun intended,” said Bredesen.

Online voting on the Chattanooga Pro Soccer website ends today.

Soccer fans welcome new homegrown team with open arms!


After the announcement of a new Chattanooga professional Soccer league was coming to the area, hundreds of CFC fans announced their support for the new association with arms wide open. It was reported that not one Chattahooligan or gamegoer has a single issue with the newly announced team.

“I cannot wait to watch the exciting local action that our Chattanooga Pro Soccer team will have to offer while enjoying a refreshing Miller Lite® and sizzling fajitas from a new Chattanooga eatery TGI Fridays®, explained local Soccer fan Steven Russells from Ohio, who has never been to Chattanooga.

“I am so excited for the new team that I have spray painted CPS on my bass drum and tattooed it on BOTH ass cheeks,” explained Chattahooligan Todd Williams.

Rescued Thai soccer team postpones Lost Sea vacation


After being trapped in a flooded cave for 18 days, the rescued Thai boys’ soccer team announced that they would postpone their planned vacation to the Lost Sea in Sweetwater, Tenn., which is the largest underground lake in the nation.

“We already booked this trip to the Lost Sea months ago, but you know, I think we’re going to hold off on caves and confined water-filled spaces for the time being,” said the soccer team’s coach, who added that they’re also postponing visits to Ruby Falls and the Titanic replica in Pigeon Forge.

IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers.

Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course. Police and military will be on high alert for those who even attempt to go on a roadway.

“Chattanooga citizens must realize that when the IRONMAN comes to town, literally nothing and no one else matters anymore,” explained IRONMAN spokesman Todd Runnerman. “We have even armed speedboats with fish catapults to clear out the waterways.”

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