June 2014

Man Xpo about sports, trucks and perpetuating patriarchal hegemony

"Macho Man" Randy Savage (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6To3sn)
“Macho Man” Randy Savage (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6To3sn)

Man Xpo, called “Chattanooga’s first manly man event,” will celebrate sports, hunting, trucks, cigars, beer and the perpetuation of the patriarchal hegemony today at Finley Stadium and the First Tennessee Pavilion.

“James Brown sang, ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World,’ and no truer words have been sung,” said Man Xpo spokesperson Kent Broadchest. “Every day is a man’s day, 365 days a year, so to shine an extra-bright spotlight on men at the Man Xpo is just rubbing it in, regarding male dominance worldwide.”

“Hey women, get a Y chromosome!” said Broadchest.

All male attendees at the phallocratic extravaganza will receive a Man Xpo 2014 “man-sack” filled with goodies, including a sample of cigar-smoke-infused elk-jerky-flavored whiskey and a Mary Daly swimsuit poster.

This inaugural Man Xpo event will feature guest speakers and seminars, covering topics such as “How to name your beard,” “15 new beer pong strategies,” “Duct tape and WD-40: from the garage to the bedroom” and “Manscaping with a survival knife.”

There will also be a panel discussion on the issue of gender wage disparity in the porn industry.

“This is a hot-button issue, pun intended, in the adult film world right now,” said male pornstar advocate Nobby Cox. “A female star could receive one thousand dollars or more for a 30-minute shoot, while her male counterpart will typically get $20 and a coupon for a free sandwich.”

New Police Chief gets non-traditional 21-gun salute during first week of job

Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/34NpRX)

Chattanooga’s new Police Chief Fred Fletcher was greeted during his first official week on the job with a non-traditional 21-gun salute.

“Welcome to Chattanooga!” said an unnamed resident wearing pantyhose over his head, before discharging all rounds of a Glock pistol while waving it around, as part of the unsanctioned salute.

During this particularly bloody week, with a startling total of nine gunshot victims, Fletcher worked 15-hour days without time to even unpack his gear after assuming his new role.

“If I were him, I’d be thinking, ‘What kind of crazy-ass town have I moved to?'” said resident Antonio Travers.

City approves changing bakery’s doughnut mural to dildo mural

Doughnut mural at Broad St. and West 20th St.
Doughnut mural at Broad St. and West 20th St.

After Chattanooga city inspectors told Koch’s Bakery on Broad Street that the nearby flying-doughnut mural the bakery commissioned was an illegal form of advertising, citing Chattanooga’s sign ordinance, the inspectors were placated by the bakery’s new plans to change the mural to become a landscape of dildos.

“Koch’s isn’t selling dildos, so the new mural design is perfectly fine since it wouldn’t be considered advertising,” said city inspector Marc Bolibar.

A watercolor mock-up sketch of the new dildo mural revealed a colorful landscape of various dildos of different sizes – medium, large and alien-sized – and varieties, such as the Hobbit-themed “Dildo Baggins” and the “Head of State” Barack Obama dildo.

City inspectors also approved a proposed mural design commissioned by Miranda’s Adult Bookstore, which is located across the street from Koch’s Bakery, which will feature giant flying doughnuts.

All nine Chattanooga soccer fans gather to watch World Cup

Soccer (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/pksshq2)
Soccer (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/pksshq2)

Last evening at the local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth, all nine soccer fans in Chattanooga gathered to watch the U.S.A. team defeat Ghana in a 2-to-1 victory at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.

“We did it! We did it!” said resident Corbin Wegner, a longtime fan of the sport, in which the competitors don’t use their hands, which is just the most darling thing.

U.S.A. team member Clint Dempsey, a name only familiar to a few dozen people across the nation, scored a stunning goal, just 29 seconds into the precious little game.

“Ja wohl!” said Volkswagen employee Stefan Beckmann, one of the three German fans in attendance, who adorably call the game “Fußball,” which just makes you want to pat them on the head and touch the tips of their noses.

“We eventually want to have the number of Chattanooga soccer fans in the double-digits,” said local Ashley Shugart, an aficionado of the delightful sport. “Where’s Brandi Chastain when you need her?”

Little Debbie adds competitive eating to Ironman Chattanooga

Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fw6sWK)
Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fw6sWK)

After officially becoming the title sponsor of the inaugural Chattanooga Ironman competition, snack food company Little Debbie and its parent company McKee Foods announced that it would add a competitive eating section to the race.

“The Ironman triathlon is an institution in the world of athletics,” said Little Debbie spokesperson Samantha Dettus. “And competitive eating is one of the fastest growing sports in the United States, so this new incarnation of the Ironman event is the next step in the inevitable evolution of athletic competitions.”

For the newly enhanced Chattanooga Ironman, competitors will first swim 2.4 miles, bicycle 112 miles, eat two dozen Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies and finally run the length of a marathon, which is 26.2 miles.

This type of race is not unprecedented, with such races as the “Krispy Kreme Challenge” held every year in Raleigh, N.C., where competitors run four kilometers to a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, eat one dozen glazed doughnuts and run an additional four kilometers to the finish line.

The Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga will differ from traditional competitive eating events by not disqualifying competitors who experience a “reversal of fortune” – a spontaneous regurgitation of ingested food – and garbage receptacles will be placed along the marathon path in preparation for such occurrences.

Slated to compete at the 2014 Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga are 2012 Ironman World Championship winner Pete Jacobs from Australia, women’s Ironman Championship course record holder Mirinda Carfrae and that skinny Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi.

Faith and Family Night headliner TobyMac revealed to be CeeLo Green in disguise.

Riverbend’s Faith and Family night headliner TobyMac was discovered this afternoon to be none other than singer CeeLo Green in disguise. Mr. Green was banned by festival organizers last year after a profanity-laden performance that upset many Riverbend attendees.

ceelotoby“We noticed something was amiss when Mr Mac arrived a bit heavier and not dressed like an 18 year old mallrat with a soul patch,” explained Faith and Family night organizer Thomas Sanderson.

“I like faith, family, and saying the P word a bunch,” said Green.

Sanderson announced plans to go ahead and let Green perform as TobyMac.

Experts believe Mr Green will tailor some of his songs for the event. “Satan, Fuck You”, among others will be played for the thousands in attendance for Faith and Family night this evening.







Basil Marceaux makes surprise appearance at Riverbend’s Silent Disco

To much surprise for many in attendance at tonight’s Silent Disco during Riverbend, former Tennessee Republican gubernatorial nominee and entrepreneur Basil Marceaux added DJ to his ever growing repertoire.

djbasilMarceaux explained to Riverbend officials he hopes his beats will “make the people of the silent disco feel freer than they did yesterday.”

“It’s… it’s time to drop the Bass..il. DJBasilMarceauxdotcom”, exclaimed Marceaux, while pressing the play button on his laptop computer.

Riverbend to suck 15% less this year, say organizers

Riverbend Festival (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqNjT)
Riverbend Festival (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqNjT)

Friends of the Festival, the presenters of the annual Riverbend Music Festival, have announced that they guarantee that this year’s festival, which runs from June 6 until June 14, will suck at least 15% less than in previous years.

“We have been paying attention to your comments, angry and confused phone calls and emails, and satire, and we have worked extra hard this year so that Riverbend sucks less than before,” said Ginger Dewarr, head festival organizer. “Instead of ’80s one-hit wonders, we have made sure that our ’80s acts have no fewer than two hits.”

One of the festival’s victories was securing a set by Widespread Panic, a band of huge stature in the jam-band genre which has a clause in its contracts that says it cannot play festivals that completely suck.