June 2013

Paula Deen buys Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café

Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8Nnvtd)
Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8Nnvtd)

The embattled celebrity Southern-cooking chef Paula Deen, who has recently endured widespread criticism for admitting to using a racial slur in the past, is seeing her empire slowly crumble, having her TV show “Paula’s Home Cooking” dropped by the Food Network and endorsement deals severed with Smithfield Foods and Wal-Mart, among others.

However, Deen has wasted no time in rebuilding her empire with a new plan for strategically purchasing beloved restaurants in the American South and re-branding them under Deen’s name, and the first acquisition, announced Friday afternoon at a press conference, was the Cherokee Blvd. restaurant Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café.

“Hoo boy, I tell you what!” said Deen’s brother and appointed executive restaurant manager Earl “Bubba” Hiers to a crowd of reporters. “I reckon I’m happier than a possum in a corncrib, about this here restaurant.”

Hiers explained that Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café would be renamed “Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café” to accurately reflect the more diverse menu, which will now include dairy and meat products in addition to restaurant features such as Paula’s Self-serve Butter Bar and Paula’s Unlimited Butter Bowl.

“If you have a hankerin’ for some real daggum breakfast food, try our hoecakes and southern omelets, fixed with all whites if you prefer,” said Hiers. “Or for dessert, have some of Paula’s famous Brown Betty. Our food tastes so good you’ll wanna slap your grandma, I tell you what.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about whether or not the restaurant will still feature vegan dishes, Hiers bellowed out with a smile, “Get thee behind me, seitan!” garnering chuckles from the crowd.

“Now I know some of you might have diabeetus like my sister and are looking for more healthy chow,” said Hiers, before describing the new “Strange Fruit” juice bar, the “half butter” option for certain entrées and doses of insulin available à la carte.

Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café will also offer angioplasties performed onsite.

Hiers mentioned that the downstairs music venue will remain open, and next month’s re-opening of the restaurant and venue will feature his country/hip-hop group Crackaz Wit Butta.
Sluggo's Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dJNYM4)
Sluggo’s Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dJNYM4)


Mayor Berke posts twerking videos to reach young adults

Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)
Ass (Used under the CC-BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/4LfyRg)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Berke revealed a new 21st century initiative to reach young-adult constituents through homemade twerking videos posted to the Internet.

Berke unveiled his new Tumblr blog, entitled “Look At This Twerking Mayor,” which features a new, short video every weekday of Berke providing a positive message while twerking, which is the currently popular dance-based art form that involves the vigorous shaking of one’s buttocks.

“In this day and age, it is imperative that we explore new methods of communication while using the latest technology available to us,” said Berke. “Millions of people around the world watch twerking videos every single day, and we would be remiss to not take advantage of this popular medium for civic engagement.”

Berke played a few examples, including one video in which he says, “Transparency is essential in government for accountability and to build trust. My solemn vow is to have an administration that is as transparent as these clear plastic hot pants I’m wearing right now.”

In the video, Berke then turned away from the camera and proceeded to pop his booty for 15 seconds while looking over his shoulder directly at the camera with his lips pursed.

Another video featured Berke wearing Daisy Dukes with the letters “STEM” sewn to the rear. “Science, technology, engineering, math,” said Berke in the video. “They’re not just for nerds.”

Berke immediately began to gyrate rhythmically to the sounds of Tyga’s “Rack City.”

“I learned this move while at Stanford,” said Berke. “Would an ass like this lie to you?” he said, while gently spanking himself.

Chattanooga Stunt visioning initiative seeks 1 million surveys: “Let’s reinvent the wheel”

Chattanooga Stunt logo
Chattanooga Stunt logo

At a press conference Friday afternoon, a new community visioning initiative was unveiled with a distinctive, eye-catching yellow-and-black logo, called Chattanooga Stunt which seeks to help shape the future of the city by asking one million Chattanooga residents to complete a short survey about their concerns and ideas.

“You might be thinking, isn’t one million just some totally arbitrary large number?” said Chattanooga Stunt lead coordinator Robin Fredamont. “Doesn’t Chattanooga just have a population of 170,000, anyway? To those people, I say, ‘That’s inside-the-box thinking.'”

“I remember as a child watching Evel Knievel on TV make a record-breaking motorcycle jump over 18 cars,” said Fredamont. “Then how did he top that? The following year, he jumped over 19 cars.”

“More is always better,” explained Fredamont. “If 25,000 surveys is good, then 100,000 must be four times better. And 1,000,000 must be ten times better than that.”

“Chattanooga’s main concerns are education, crime, jobs and economic development, and we are proud of its natural beauty and downtown area,” said Fredamont. “This is stuff we already know. But we really really want to be sure, so that’s why we’re going to ask one million people.”

“Chattanooga is kind of like a wheel—sure, it works OK, but it’s been around for so long, just going around and around,” said Fredamont.

“Let’s reinvent Chattanooga. Let’s reinvent the wheel,” said Fredamont, who was met with thunderous applause.

“Chattanooga is currently experiencing a truly wondrous transformation from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, and it’s due to the hard work, ingenuity and effort of many, many people over many, many years,” said Fredamont. “But, we at Chattanooga Stunt are happy to take the credit.”

“This visioning initiative will yield many benefits for our community, and when I say, ‘our community’ I really mean ‘my colleagues and myself,'” said Fredamont. “At the end of this campaign, we’ll have one million names and email addresses that we can spam for future enterprises, and this project will look great on our résumés.”

“The beauty of an effort like this is that if you’re not for us, then you’re against us and by extension, against Chattanooga, so I implore you and all Chattanooga organizations to join us,” said Fredamont. “History is written by the victors.”

Riverbend organizers give up, outsource Insane Clown Posse

Insane Clown Posse (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9xUQ1D)
Insane Clown Posse (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9xUQ1D)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon it was announced that Friends of the Festival, the organization that coordinates the annual Riverbend music festival, has outsourced next year’s event and all future events to the Michigan horrorcore hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse.

“We give up,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We are sick of it, busting our butts all year long, volunteering our time and effort, to put on this huge festival that draws tens of thousands of attendees and is an incredible bargain, and people just whine like entitled, ungrateful little shits.”

“From this point forward, our board of directors has unanimously agreed to employ the services of Insane Clown Posse to organize and curate all future Riverbend Festivals,” said Dewarr. “This is a win-win situation, taking the responsibility and blame off our hands and saving us money, since we only have to pay them with a dozen cases of Faygo.”

Dewarr explained that Riverbend would now be a southern extension of the annual “Gathering of the Juggalos” outdoor festival presented by Insane Clown Posse since 2000.

Representatives DJ Clay and Sugar Slam then took the podium while shouting out “Whoop whoop!” and spraying the soft drink Faygo onto the first row in the audience.

“What up ninjas! We are bringing the Dark Carnival to this backwoods bitch-ass town,” said DJ Clay. “The whole Psychopathic Records family, yo, plus wrestling, the Neden Game, wet t-shirt Juggalette contests, and more.”

“We’ll have magicians, jugglers, dudes on stilts, a giant water slide, real Midway games, and other things you might expect to see at a five-year-old’s birthday party,” said Sugar Slam.

Insane Clown Posse member Violent J appeared via a remote video link on a giant screen and explained that while the original Midwest “Gathering of the Juggalos” event is like Mecca for Juggalos—the nickname for fans of the band—the new Chattanooga event will be like Medina.

Violent J announced that the 2014 Riverbend lineup will include Kanye West, Daft Punk, Jack White, Wu-Tang Clan, Radiohead, Katy Perry, Tom Waits, Dirty Projectors and Vanilla Ice.

Christian band Newsboys banned from Riverbend after offensive performance

Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)
Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)

The headlining act of the 2013 Riverbend Festival’s Family & Faith Night, the Australian Christian rock band Newsboys, has been banned from performing at future Riverbend Festivals after a controversial Tuesday night performance.

The band members, clad in black leather clothing, gave a performance filled with gratuitous nudity, onstage drinking and copious profanity.

“We received very, very, very many disgruntled emails,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “Those Vegemite-munching koala-humpers won’t be coming back.”

The quartet began the performance with an enthusiastic rendition of the group’s hit song “F-ck You, Satan!” before playing another fan-favorite, “Crazy (Like a Motherf-cker about Jesus).”

Newsboys lead singer Michael Tait, also known as a founding member of DC Talk, then began the sacrament of Holy Communion onstage by throwing loaves of bread into the audience while saying, “Jesus said, ‘This is my body, broken for you. Do this in remembrance of me.'”

Tait proceeded to grab his shirt with both hands and rip it off his body, revealing his six-pack abs, saying, “And this is my body. My awesome, ripped body, for you.”

Tait then mooned the audience.

Continuing the sacrament, Tait poured a generous helping of communion wine into a large silver chalice and drank it in one gulp, before swiftly pouring another serving and imbibing it.

“We have written their management a stern letter, and it’s safe to say they won’t be coming back,” said Dewarr. “Where’s your savior now, Jesus-boys?”

Officials Announce Bessie Smith Strut Now a “Profanity Free Zone”


In an effort to keep the wholesome family friendly image that Riverbend is known for, officials announced that today’s Bessie Smith Strut will become a “profanity free zone.” The news comes a day after the controversial decision to ban dropped; yet rehired singer Cee Lo Green after a profanity filled performance at the festival on Saturday.

The Bessie Smith Strut, which takes place on Martin Luther King Boulevard every year during Riverbend week, is known for its barbecue and blues music. Event planners hope families, who employ a more “traditional” standard of decency, will take notice and choose to attend the event this year.

bessieNo longer can the phrases: “fuck, this corn dog is the shit”, or “shit, that son of a bitch has a gun” be uttered without immediate dismissal from the event.

Due to the new policy, the private security hired to police the festival has called in 30 extra officers as reinforcements. Armed with high-powered microphones, personnel will be placed upon rooftops along the strut to listen for those in violation of the new policy.

“I think it’s wonderful that sanctions have been put in place to keep the strut in line with Riverbend being a family friendly event,” said Mayor Berke, when informed of the new policy. “Come to think of it, this is a big fucking ass deal.”

(image courtesy of Bessie Smith Cultural Center. http://www.bessiesmithcc.org/)

Strut renamed “Bessie and Will Smith Strut”

Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
At a press conference Friday afternoon, it was announced by representatives of the Bessie Smith Cultural Center that the Bessie Smith Strut—the popular annual street party event held on ML King Blvd. as part of Riverbend—was to be renamed “The Bessie and Will Smith Strut,” by unanimous decision of the organizers.

The new name comes one year after several notable changes were made to the festival, including charging an admission fee for the formerly free event, beefing up security and enclosing the grounds of the Strut with fencing.

Head organizer Pat Loorey explained that the name change was made in an attempt to draw a bigger audience and be more accessible by appealing to fans of Will Smith, known as a star of many blockbuster films including Men in Black and Independence Day and as a rapper with the moniker “The Fresh Prince.”

Will Smith is not related to the legendary blues singer Bessie Smith nor has any formal connection to Chattanooga.

“Bessie Smith was rightfully called ‘The Empress of the Blues,’ and her rich, soulful voice lives on,” said Loorey. “But parts of her life are frightful and not exactly family-friendly, like her alcoholism and promiscuity.”

“She had some depressing and disturbing songs, with titles like ‘Send Me to the ‘Lectric Chair’ and ‘Wasted Life Blues,'” continued Loorey. “Have you heard ‘St. Louis Blues‘? It’s goddamn creepy.”

“Now Will Smith—there’s an entertainer that every man, woman and child in Chattanooga can get behind,” said Loorey, who also pointed out that Will Smith will not be in attendance.

“Come on down Monday and raise an oversized turkey leg to Bessie and Will, and any other successful black people who have the last name ‘Smith,'” said Loorey.

Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)
Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)

The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion Announces Debut Show at Riverbend


Local weatherman and apparent Jazz enthusiast Paul Barys announced today that his Jazz group, “The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion” will make their debut at the upcoming 2013 Riverbend Festival.

The group, which features Barys on Piano, Fats Colman on the bass, Skeeter McDuffin on the Drums, and rival news station reporter Calvin Sneed on tambourine and woodblock, hope to make a name for themselves with their fresh licks and cool sounds.

17147033_BG2“Like forecasting the weather, Jazz was something that always came naturally to me,” explained Barys, while performing a four octave Piano run. “I hope my Jazz explosion will show Chattanoogans another side of myself and the beard.”

Although the band hasn’t officially booked a time, day, or stage for the festival, Barys hopes when the group shows up with their equipment and his celebrity status, finding a place to “let loose” will not be an issue.

“Our sound is somewhat like a torrential downpour, except the rain has been replaced with the sweet sounds of smooth and free flowing Jazz,” said Barys.

Riverbend drops Cee Lo, citing ban on “current, popular and relevant” acts

Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)
Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)

To the disappointment of many Chattanooga music fans, it was announced today at a press conference by the Friends of the Festival, the group that organizes the Riverbend music festival, that unfortunately Cee Lo Green was dropped from the 2013 Riverbend lineup.

The reason behind the cancellation was a rule that has been in effect for the entire 31-year history of the annual nine-day summer music festival, which states that acts that are “current, popular and relevant” are barred from playing the festival.

“We deeply regret the error,” said head festival organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We thought enough years had passed since ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley was a smash hit, but we totally forgot about Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You.'”

Riverbend Festival regulations state that a performer must not have had a bona fide hit song within the last five years, and Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” also known in an unbowdlerized form as “F-ck You,” was both a commercial and critical success in 2010.

“Brandy was able to stay on the bill, because her star had fallen enough in the last few years with her last couple of albums,” explained Dewarr.

“’80s one-hit wonders, past-their-prime rock dinosaurs milking the county fair circuit, ’60s acts with only one original member left: that is the true spirit and bread-and-butter of Riverbend,” said Dewarr.

The current 2013 Riverbend Festival lineup includes the bands Lynyrd Skynyrd, Psychedelic Furs, and 10,000 Maniacs without Natalie Merchant.

“Although Cee Lo fans may be disappointed,” said Dewarr, “we are pleased to announce that the money that would have gone to Cee Lo was used to put seventeen more acts on the lineup, including the ’70s British rock band Foghat, Marcy Playground, Fred Durst Unplugged and a Guttermouth cover band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guttermouth!'”

2013 Monster Truck Jam Event to be Held at Tivoli Theater.


In an effort to recoup some of the losses attributed to the city owned venue, event coordinators have announced this years annual Chattanooga Monster Truck Jam will be held at the Historic Tivoli Theater.

The Monster Truck Jam, which is normally held at UTC’s McKenzie Arena, is one of Chattanooga’s top grossing events of the year. Officials hope the venue change will bring the profitability back to the ailing Tivoli Theater after a reported near million dollar loss in 2012.

“I plan on getting front row seats to this bad boy,” exclaimed Chattanooga Monster truck enthusiast Roy Cooper, after hearing the news of the venue change.” It’s about time they got something worthwhile to see in that fancy shithole.”

The event, which will be held on a TBD Sunday, will bring the awe-inspiring spectacle of Monster trucks, such as Bigfoot, Grave Digger, and Mother Puncher, to the near 100-year-old theater, normally reserved for classical music concerts and the Chattanooga Boys Choir singing Christmas Tree.

“We plan on most of the exciting action to be held on the Tivoli’s 19 by 17 foot stage, but we can’t promise that some trucks will not spill into the first few rows,” said Monster Jam spokesmen Ray Phillips. “We’re ironing out the details with the insurance company at this time.”


“We hope that many more events like this will be relocated to the Tivoli,” said Tivoli spokeswoman Cheryl Chester. “We would love to accommodate Ringling Brothers Circus, Pro Wrestling, or the Harlem Globetrotters to our beautiful theater.”