Op/Ed

Editorial: I have COVID-19 and I’m JACKED for the Chattanooga freedom rally

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If you’re like me and love freedom, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to stay home and doing your reps in your shitty one-car garage. It seems like only yesterday I was in the gym getting swole with my bros. This is probably where I got this so-called “COVID-19”.

My bro, who I will call J-Dawg for privacy purposes, was complaining of some fever and shortness of breath bullshit. We all know Jake isn’t a wuss, so he hit the garage gym anyway. Because we are all fuckin’ jacked and ripped, we like to lift with our mouths. Now we usually wipe down the bars in between turns, but a bunch of fuckin’ Karens bought up all the wipes at the Food City so the blood, sweat, urine, and saliva had to remain.

A week later, I’m sitting here on my lift seat, typing this out with a fever, and I can’t taste a damn thing in this protein shake. It’s bullshit. A fellow bro told me I should get tested for this coronavirus or whatever so I drove my sweet ass 2009 Mustang Convertable thru a drive thru testing place. Some doctor stuck a long ass qtip in my nose then called me later and told me I was sick. I told them of course I’m fuckin siccckk, but they said I have the coronavirus or ‘rona if you’re cool and i should stay home or some bullshit.

All this time in isolation without being able to hit up Planet Fitness, Buds, GNC, Disney World, the former Electric Cowboy to pay my respects, and Hamilton Skate Place made me realize the government is holding us down. What can only be called a miracle, I heard there was a rally happening today to protest the government’s tyrannical ways. I may feel like shit, but you bet my swole ass ill be there.

Now I keep hearing things about flattening the curve. The only curve being flattened is my biceps from not lifting. The government WILL NOT take this away from me. I will be at this protest. I WILL demand my rep to allow me to rep.

To all my brothers and sisters in freedom. I’ll see you out there. I won’t need a mask because it hurts to breathe and the only gloves i’ll be wearing are the fingerless ones when I’m lifting 900 pounds over my head.

Keep lifting for freedom,

Sly

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”

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Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)
Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)

Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism, a notion which has absolutely no scientific basis and was started because of a fraudulent 1998 study that used manipulated data by the since-defrocked researcher Andrew Wakefield.

We, the writers of The Chattanooga Bystander, are in complete agreement with the Chattanooga Times Free Press on this matter, and we are even taking the boycott one step further by pledging to never masturbate to any photo, video footage or likeness of Jenny McCarthy again.

Never again will we firmly grasp our junk and vigorously wank rhythmically to McCarthy’s October 1993 Playboy pictorial, with her long-flowing flaxen hair, ample and soft bosom and coy yet mischievous smile.

Never again will we squeeze one off in the office restroom stall during our lunch break while staring at a pic on our iPhone of McCarthy’s infamous Candie’s shoe advertisement, where she’s sitting on a toilet with her panties around her ankles.

No, no, we will never bring ourselves to climax copiously into an old tube sock while looking at the inviting blonde tuft of hair on the mound of Venus belonging to Jenny McCarthy, who has instilled an unmerited fear of vaccines into the minds of parents because of stubborn ignorance, perpetuating a myth that has been called “the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”

By extension, The Chattanooga Bystander will also refrain from jacking off to pictures of Barbara Walters and all other co-hosts on The View.

D-Dawg’s Guide to Chattown: Foodtrucks

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streetfoodvendors-350x261

photo taken from google.com

So apparently the new “big thing” in C-town is “trucks” that have food in them. First of all, when I think of trucks, I think of Ford 150’s.  These are more like moving vans that have windows chainsawed into em. It would be pretty badass to have some dude slingin’ burgers in the back of a F150. That dude would most def get some of my hard earned ca$h

When coming in contact with these food trucks, ya notice one thing is missing. Where the fuck is the Taco Bell food truck? Come on C-town, ya gotta support the TB. I get it that supporting local business is good for the economy and yadda yadda (Seinfeld), but da masters of the fourth meal gotta represent.

While me and some bros were shootin some a-noon pool late last week at the CBC, we noticed out the window dat a circle of food trucks were up in this bitch. That kinda sucks that this place could have made a great place for sum more parking. Easier access to local faves like da Taco Mac or the R&B to catch a Dave cover band is severely needed. I hope the new mayor fixes this shit ASAP.

In closing, food trucks are a good place to grab a quick bite if you want to eat food out of a fucking truck. It’s gonna be hot up in that bitch, so you’ll probably taste some sweat.

 

D-Dawg’s Guide to Chattown: Chili’s

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When hitting up the hottest Chattanooga nightspots, ya gotta go where shit is the tightest. My name is Desmond “D-Dawg” Cooper, and I’m a UTC frat guy and “go-to” brah when suggesting the best places to hit up after hours in the down-t. I’ve found one of the best places to truly capture the atmosphere of the C-town is the Chili’s on Market Street.

Chili’s is located within reasonable drunken stumbling distance of the frat house, which makes it a great place to get your drink on, while saving dad’s money rather than catchin’ a cab. It sits in a prime location that is adjacent to another local favorite, the Applebee’s, and the Hairy Dog.

Upon entry, you’re greeter by either some hawt babe with big ol T’s, or some skinny brah that I could easily beat up. I mean this guy is a pipsqueek and probably isn’t even man enough to pledge. One-on-one with me on the beer pong and this dude would go crying back to his mamma.

The best time to visit Chili’s is during game time. The Bud-L and Miller-L is usually damn cheap, and you can get torn up in no time. With so many flat tv’s up in this bitch, you will never miss a play when it is game time. The mild wings are definitely a fav for my frat bros and I. If you’re looking to make the evening more enjoyable, shots can be obtained on the cheap. Obtaining said shots from a hot bar tender makes the experience even better.

chili-s-bar-and-grill

 

Photo courtesy of tripadvisor.com

I believe the Chili’s has the best of what Chattanooga has to offer: local flare, beer, shots, wings, and sports. If you and your bros ever decide to hit up the Chattown Chili’s, let em that D-Dawg sent you.