Obamanooga '13

Mayor Berke upset that Obama stopped “Liking” his Facebook posts

Mayor Andy Berke
Mayor Andy Berke

Eight weeks after President Obama’s trip to Chattanooga to visit the Amazon fulfillment center, Mayor Andy Berke expressed disappointment that Obama has apparently stopped “Liking” his posts on the Facebook social network.

“I don’t understand it,” said Berke, getting choked up while attempting to remain composed. “I thought we really hit it off, during that presidential limo ride together from the airport to the Amazon facility.”

“We had a great conversation. We talked about how crazy and awesome that new Kanye West album is,” said Berke. “Then we chatted about the new season of Arrested Development, and he told me about a bunch of obscure jokes and references on the show that I didn’t get upon first viewing.”

“It blew my mind,” said Berke.

Berke said that soon after the visit, he sent a “Friend” request to Obama on Facebook, which was accepted within minutes.

“For those first few weeks, Barack liked almost everything I posted to Facebook,” said Berke. “Selfies, Grumpy Cat pics, that weird video where they removed all the music from that Miley Cyrus video.”

Berke noticed that Obama gradually began to “Like” fewer and fewer posts, until there was practically no online interaction on Facebook, to his dismay.

“Yesterday I posted a clip from The Big Lebowski that I know Barack loves,” said Berke. “Nothing. I even tagged him in the post.”

“I was thinking that we should try to get Amazon to open up another facility here in Chattanooga, so that Barack can come visit again,” said Berke, with hope.

BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”


Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”


Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page.

obama-swirlyThe President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments local citizens made about him.

“He (Obama) busted in and yelled ‘Which one of you fine folks heads the social networking department?'” explained TFP employee Harvey Scarf. “Then some guys in black suits grabbed the person, carried him to the hallway bathroom, and proceeded to shove his head in the toilet while Mr. Obama stepped on the handle to flush.”

“That’s how you administer an executive swirly,” shouted Obama, as he knocked over a printing press and exited the building.


photo by cb staff/Rex Hardass



Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

"Let's Move!" logo
“Let’s Move!” logo

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating.

Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since 1950 and dining destination popular with truckers, offers an unusual type of buffet by serving customers family-style at circular tables each with a lazy Susan, onto which the servers continuously place fresh bowls of food for as long as the customers are willing to eat.

“The beauty of this idea,” said Obama with a mouthful of potato salad, “is that when you think you’ve had so much that you can’t even stand up to get more food, the servers just bring the food right to you. You don’t have to move an inch.”

“That’s American ingenuity for you,” said Obama, whose lips were covered with barbeque sauce. “‘More mac and cheese,’ I said!”

Regarding putting an end to the “Let’s Move!” campaign, Obama said, “I just can’t imagine denying a child unlimited amounts of this sweet, sweet peach cobbler.”

“Moving is so overrated,” said Obama, who had become noticeably rotund during the three-hour binge. “Maybe Michelle can just change ‘Let’s Move!’ to ‘Let’s Roll!’ or something.”

Bea's Restaurant
Bea’s Restaurant


Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike


During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States


During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.”

obama-rock-city“I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a fucking thing, let alone seven damn states!”

It was reported the President proceeded to shake the swinging bridge while others crossed and laugh at those who failed the fat man squeeze.

“The only thing worse would be to look down upon Chattanooga and view a hunk of shit cars or visit a man made cave with a mediocre waterfall,” said Obama.






Photo courtesy of CB Staff/Harold Hardass

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)
A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected.

After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto the creaky, dilapidated barge—which has been moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium and unused since 2009—he said, “Well, this…is…uh…interesting,” while clearly confused.

“This is a symbol of…progress?” said Obama, speaking extemporaneously without a teleprompter. “No wait. This is a monument to Chattanooga’s rich history. No, not that either. What is this, again?”

As Obama spoke, Mayor Andy Berke ran frantically toward the barge, flailing his arms, screaming, “Noooo! Noooo! Look away! Look at our beautiful bridge instead!”

The presidential itinerary was corrected and the entourage was directed toward the Amazon fulfillment center instead of the next destination on the original, erroneous route, Chuck’s Condom Shop on Main Street.

Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace

After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the night club this morning around 2AM, where he proceeded to urinate on Brainerd Road.

FE_DA_121012BidenSmirk425x283“This place is a big fucking deal, along with the breasts”, exclaimed Biden, while vomiting on his shoes.

While there were no formal plans for Biden to attend President Obama’s speech today at the Amazon Fulfillment Center, he was reported to want to see “what this choo choo hoopla shit was all about.”