March 2014

Mila Kunis pregnant by Rock City gnome

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Mila Kunis (l) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/czJAyS) Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9GEr68)
Mila Kunis (l) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/czJAyS) Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9GEr68)

After the engaged celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher announced today that they were expecting their first child, Kunis made the shocking revelation that the father wasn’t Kutcher but instead was a gnome named Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap whom Kunis met while visiting Rock City last December.

Kunis apologized for her infidelity, and Kutcher has committed to being a loyal husband and raising the child as if it were his own.

“It all happened so suddenly,” said Kunis. “While Ashton was signing autographs for people in the Goblin’s Underpass, I went on ahead to Fairyland Caverns.”

“I just have this weakness for tiny, bearded, pipe-smoking, pointy-red-hat-wearing men,” said Kunis. “And I’ll be honest with you. Filming Black Swan really kind of screwed me up, and I haven’t been the same since.”

McTwinklebuttergingersnap could not be reached for comment.

Councilman Hakeem suggests replacing public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages

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Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2MUd1k)
Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2MUd1k)

It has been a turbulent week for Chattanooga City Council Chairman Yusuf Hakeem, whose invitation to a Monday meeting to discuss a possible public voucher program in partnership with Millennium Taxi to augment inner-city transportation was rejected by Transportation Administrator Blythe Bailey.

Bailey declined attending the meeting over concerns that selecting a particular vendor early in the policy discussion might be a violation of city purchasing policies, and Hakeem responded to this by recommending that Bailey’s position be defunded because of “blatant disrespect.”

Hakeem has since radically changed his original proposal, which also included a suggestion to reduce the operating hours of the free downtown shuttle to expand usage of non-free Millennium Taxi rides, and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Hakeem recommended replacing all public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages.

“This is the wave of the future,” said Hakeem. “In recent months, Chattanooga has been blessed with the addition of not one, but two different companies offering pedal-powered carriage tours between local bars and brewpubs, Chattanooga Brew Choo and Pints and Pedals.”

“This is a win-win situation,” said Hakeem. “People will get more exercise, local pubs will get more business, and this is a totally 100% green, environmentally friendly solution.”

Local alcoholics praised Hakeem’s recommendation, which could mean the proliferation of bars throughout the city so that all neighborhoods, churches and schools could be accessible via pub-crawl pedal carriages.

Silverdale inmate who gave birth while shackled accidentally invented new fetish

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(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/c2W1WW. Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/7zD1Kj)
(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/c2W1WW. Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/7zD1Kj)

While a former Silverdale correctional facility inmate is suing Silverdale, Corrections Corporation of America and the sheriff of Hamilton County for being shackled last year to a hospital bed while giving birth, local perverts and the adult entertainment industry are praising her for inadvertently inventing a new fetish.

The lawsuit alleges that being chained up constituted cruel and unusual punishment and put the pregnant mother at risk during labor, which was a unique scenario that combined elements from “Women in Prison” exploitation films, bondage, medical fetishism and maiesiophilia, also known as pregnancy fetishism.

“Justice needs to be served, and we demand to learn more details,” said local degenerate Demitri Stackpohl. “We need to know if the warden was a sadistic Nazi named Ilsa. Was the inmate given a bath afterwards or did they turn a firehose on her?”

“Were the nurses naughty?” said Stackpohl. “These are things we need to know.”

Fleischmann to endorse Mayfield Dairy products

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Rep. Chuck Fleischmann
Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After Scottie Mayfield endorsed 3rd District Congressional Representative Chuck Fleischmann this morning for the upcoming election, despite being rivals in the 2012 election, Fleischmann returned the favor by formally endorsing Mayfield Dairy products.

“Everyone knows that quid pro quo arrangements are how anything gets done in politics,” said Fleischmann, wearing a sweater bearing the Mayfield Dairy Farms logo. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

“There’s nothing like starting the day with a tall glass of delicious, ice cold Mayfield milk,” said Fleischmann. “Look for the yellow jug, which guarantees freshness and quality by blocking harmful light rays.”

“Who can resist a bowl of Mayfield ice cream on a hot summer day? Mmm, mmm,” said Fleischmann, while rubbing his stomach in a circular motion. “My favorite flavor is Butter Pecan, and with all-natural flavors, it’s the classic taste that you grew up with.”

“Sure, you might be thinking that I don’t know a lot about dairy farming, and you’d be right,” said Fleischmann. “Well, Scottie didn’t exactly know a lot about politics, so it’s a fair trade.”

Bryan College requires staff to sacrifice first-born sons.

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In a news release by Bryan College President Stephen Livesay, it was announced that all staff members must vow to sacrifice their first-born sons to stay employed by the school. Livesay explained the new requirement comes with Bryan’s new “bible or bust” policy.

Many believe the policy stems from the recent public Creationism vs. Evolution debates, featuring Creationist Museum founder Ken Ham and TV personality Bill Nye.

“I expect all faculty and staff to conduct themselves in a biblical manner, and we’re taking this shit old testament”, said Livesay.

Bryan staff has been given a March 31st deadline, in which they must bring their first-born sons to the school’s sacrifice grounds and complete the offering to President Livesay.

 

UTC to hold “Fuck Month” in April

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In response to UT’S “sex week” controversy in recent weeks, a University of Tennessee Chattanooga spokesman announced plans for the school to host its first ever “fuck month” this April. UTC

“We all know college is pretty much a giant fuckfest with some studying in between, so why officially celebrate it for just a week? said UTC Fuck Month organizer Summer Nastanovich.

UTC event organizers announced large purchases of tarps, lube, saddles, and flavorful condoms have been made in preparation for upcoming festivities.

God puts Wysong’s prayer for Anderson’s recall at bottom of priority list

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God
God

With the effort to recall District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson currently lagging behind the goal to gather around 1,600 signatures, having only gathered around 300 signatures so far, Chattanooga Tea Party member Charles Wysong, who is aiding the recall effort, turned to God for help, saying, “Prayer and fasting is in order…My prayer is ‘For Your name’s sake, give us the victory in this recall of Chris Anderson.'”

After receiving Wysong’s prayer, God reportedly said, “What is this bullshit? Who does this Me-damn yahoo think he is?”

While the recall effort claims that Anderson isn’t adequately doing his job, allies of Anderson believe that he is being targeted by conservatives because he is openly gay.

“Really, are you f-cking kidding me?” said God, before rolling his eyes. “There’s political turmoil and war, children starving to death and hundreds of thousands of people dying of malaria, and you’re praying for this?”

God sighed.

“OK, well, put it on the list, way down at the very bottom,” said God to his personal assistant, Marilyn Monroe. “I’ll evaluate it when I get around to it.”

Wysong’s prayer was numbered # 792,841,551,949,277 on God’s priority list, right below “Prayer by 10-year-old Benny Jannin in Salina, Kansas asking for a real lightsaber and a pet dinosaur.”

Chattanooga shootings up, crime down due to poor marksmanship

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Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4VPRVn)
Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4VPRVn)

The City of Chattanooga announced new statistics, showing that while the number of shootings has increased, crime has actually decreased, which has been attributed to declining marksmanship skills.

“There are more guns out there and more rounds being fired than ever,” said interim Chattanooga Police Chief Brett Laemmel. “But these drunk hillbillies and gang bangers can’t shoot for shit, thank goodness.”

Mayor Andy Berke’s Violence Reduction Initiative was assembled as a targeted strategy to prevent crime by giving prominent gang leaders an ultimatum to either clean up their act or be prepared to go to prison, but the current trend of lower crime and increasingly poor marksmanship in the area is attributed to an earlier, decades-old FBI effort that worked in conjunction with Hollywood filmmakers in order to influence criminals and gang members and their shooting styles.

“You know the sideways gangsta grip?” said Laemmel. “That was an invention by the FBI. Sure, it looks badass, but it is pretty worthless when it comes to targeting accuracy.”

“The FBI also paid off film director John Woo,” said Laemmel. “They knew that it is nearly impossible to get a good shot while jumping sideways, firing pistols in both hands, with a bunch of doves all around you.”

Code for America Chattanooga announces successful hack of former Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL account.

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Earlier today, a spokesman for the Chattanooga 2014 Code for America project announced their first big accomplishment for the year.

The announcement comes just mere weeks after the initial meet up with local coders and government officials alike.

codeforaol“We believe city government transparency reaches far beyond current high level office holders,” explained Chattanooga Code for America spokesman Douglas Toddman aka rogueneo69. “That is why I am proud to announce we have successfully hacked former Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL password.”

Mayor Berke tapped the Code for America group in 2013 to help Chattanooga in reaching three of his top goals for the area – safer streets, civic engagement, and uncover greasy shit on the Internet.

“I believe Chattanooga citizens have the right to know what Nigerian Prince money transfers and penis enlargement pills that past and present city Mayors partake in,” said current Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

“We’re excited about the new projects Mayor Berke has brought to the table,” said Toddman.” All I can say is any councilman with a Christian Mingle account, you best watch your ass.”