August 2013

Local businesses suffer tech support crisis while nerds attend Dragon Con

Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Many Chattanooga businesses have found themselves in the middle of a collective technical support crisis this weekend, with the temporary mass exodus of nerds from the city.

All computer and Information Technology nerds in Chattanooga and surrounding areas are simultaneously attending the annual Atlanta event Dragon Con, which gathers over 50,000 aficionados of science fiction, fantasy, anime, comics, horror, role-playing and video games.

“Our DNS server is down and our lead computer tech Wendell is down in Atlanta with his whole team, getting their photo taken with Xena, Warrior Princess,” said local CEO Timothy Chasington.

“I’ve been trying to get our firewall administrator Silvia to talk me through changing the VLAN trunk configuration, but she just keeps texting me back, ‘I just hugged the Fifth and Seventh Doctors!'” said Technical Manager Kris Terblanche. “Or she sends me photos of her dressed up as some character called ‘Hit Girl.'”

“We really should just temporarily shut down our business every year at this time,” said Terblanche.

ERRATUM (9/5/13, 10:46 am): We at the Chattanooga Bystander were informed that “DragonCon,” with no space between “Dragon” and “Con,” is an incorrect spelling of the event’s name. The proper event name is “Dragon Con: A Gathering For Nerds.” The Chattanooga Bystander regrets the error.

Local man commemorates 50th anniv. of MLK’s “Dream” speech by eating shrimp at Lamar’s

Lamar's Restaurant on MLK Blvd.
Lamar’s Restaurant on MLK Blvd.

Fifty years ago today, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his immortal “I Have a Dream” speech as part of the March on Washington, and Chattanooga resident, UTC senior and lacrosse team goalie Preston Maxwell Rawlings III commemorated the occasion by eating enormous fried shrimp at the MLK Blvd. restaurant Lamar’s.

“Thank you, Rev. King,” said Rawlings, after devouring a giant shrimp and taking a sip of a stiff whiskey sour. “I salute you.”

“I just felt like I had to stand in solidarity with my figurative brothers and sisters, here on MLK Blvd. on this special day,” said Rawlings, after feeding the jukebox in order to play the entirety of Prince’s 1984 album Purple Rain. “Racism really really sucks.”


Chattanooga area Moms react to Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance.


Last night at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, Pop Music sensation Miley Cyrus gave a performance that many are calling “somewhat controversial”. The performance caused quite a stir on Twitter and left the thousands in attendance for the awards show in shock and disgust. We took to the streets and asked several mothers from around the Tennessee Valley area what they thought of Ms. Cyrus’ performance:

“Our own Lauren Alaina would have never pulled that crap!” – Becky Sanders. Rossville.

“The only “twerking” she needs to do is shake her little tush into a pew at the Crossing.” – Donna Williams. Chattanooga.

“How am I supposed to explain to my 7 year old daughter that Hannah Montana is now a whore?” – Susan Beekman. Red Bank

“Why would she do such a thing to Alan Thicke? Isn’t he like four times her age?” – Karen McGillicutty. East Ridge.

“This is the straw that finally told her fathers achey brakey heart.” – Sally Childers. Hixson.

“Pure Shit” – Monique Berke. Chattanooga

Mayor Berke solves late-night event hall problem: “After-party at my crib, y’all”

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:

Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.

“This violence must end immediately, and the event hall problem needs an answer that is both effective and practical,” said Berke. “I have come up with a solution that will work, without any additional cost to taxpayers: after-party at my crib, y’all.”

“That’s right, I am opening up my sweet-ass party pad and baller mansion to the public,” said Berke, who was met with thunderous applause.

Berke’s safe and secure after-hours party mansion features 8,000 square feet of space, a lagoon-style salt-water swimming pool with two spas, and numerous specialty rooms, including a hookah room, a jungle room with exotic animals including two Komodo dragons, and a screening room that shows on a continuous loop the film Boogie Nights, which is reportedly Berke’s favorite movie.

However, the centerpiece of Berke’s celebration station is a spacious dance floor which features four American Apparel models who serve as go-go dancers, Berke’s resident DJ Zizzurp, who is also the soundman for Major Lazer, and a female Hungarian acrobat/contortionist who performs suspended from the ceiling.

“You may have heard stories about my legendary parties, and now you’ll see for yourself,” said Berke. “Welcome to Cirque du Berke!”

Ridgedale Church accepts Kat Cooper’s family after viewing The Sapphic Sorority Sisters of Lesbos

Women kissing (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Women kissing (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
The Ridgedale Church of Christ in Chattanooga made national news this week after its leaders asked the relatives of openly gay detective Kat Cooper to either repent and seek forgiveness for accepting Cooper’s homosexuality or to leave the church.

Cooper’s family decided to leave the church, but the leadership and congregation of the Ridgedale Church of Christ has since recanted its ultimatum and accepted the family back into the church after a group screening of the erotic softcore direct-to-video 1992 movie The Sapphic Sorority Sisters of Lesbos.

“We had this whole lesbian thing all wrong,” said congregation member Otto Eisenbiel. “This movie opened our eyes to smokin’ hot girl-on-girl action and carpet munching. It’s only right and natural.”

Far-right religious conservatives have often been critical towards gays, with figures such as the Rev. Jerry Falwell even declaring in 1997 that “this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women and children.”

“In the book of Matthew, Jesus says the two greatest commandments are ‘Love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind,’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,'” Eisenbiel said. “We accept the Cooper family back into the fold, and we love all lesbians, from the most coy lipstick lesbian to the most militant, buzzcut-wearing bulldyke.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais tells 11-year-old girl there is no Santa Claus

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
At a Rutherford County town hall meeting last week, U.S. Rep. Scott DesJarlais told an 11-year-old girl that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, as part of a bizarre rant that began after she asked DesJarlais if anything could be done to stop her father, an undocumented immigrant, from being deported.

Responding to the girl’s question, DesJarlais said, “We have laws, and we need to follow those laws, and that’s where we’re at,” which was met with cheers and applause from the audience.

Then DesJarlais proceeded to deliver a seemingly interminable stream of pointed statements, directed at the little girl.

“Oh yeah, there’s no Santa Claus, too,” said DesJarlais. “You know who sets out those Christmas presents and eats those cookies you lay out? Your mother and father. Well, this next Christmas, it’ll just be your mother.”

“Also, you know what?” said DesJarlais. “Even if you study hard all through school and do your best, there’s a chance that in a couple of years you might just get knocked up by a deadbeat boyfriend. Or you might be forced into a loveless, soul-crushing marriage.”

“Is your favorite film Good Will Hunting?” asked DesJarlais. “Because it looks like you’ve been hunting at Goodwill for that dress you’re wearing.”

“In your face, little girl!” said DesJarlais. “BOO-YEAH!”

Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

Chattanooga Police deploys anti-chicken strike force

Chickens (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Chickens (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

It’s a summer afternoon in North Chattanooga, and a man in a wool, slate-gray pinstriped double-breasted suit stands unflinchingly in the 90-degree heat; his commanding figure is completed by an ink-black necktie and a matching silk display handkerchief, and below his obsidian sunglasses, his lips slowly kiss his Dunhill cigarette like it was his bride on their wedding day and liberate a series of perfect smoke rings, which wax steadily before dissipating in the still, dry air.

With one graceful motion, he flicks the spent cigarette butt into oblivion and says to his team of three police officers, “Let’s cock-a-doodle-do this.”

He nods his head to the poised officers, who suddenly descend upon a Tremont St. house like bats out of hell.

“Police! Police! Chicken strike force!” barks the man, while holding out a badge toward the house’s front door.

“I’m cool, man, I ain’t got no chickens,” says a wavering voice from within the house.

“Wanna play chicken, do ya?” replies the man in the suit.

An officer at the side of the house yells out, “Coop spotted! Coop spotted!” as the other officers join him and run into the backyard.

The man in the suit squints his eyes, forms a small, devious smile and says, “You picked the wrong person to cluck with,” as the squawks of terrified chickens are heard in the distance.

The man is Webb “The Eggman” Wegman, the latest addition to the Chattanooga Police and the head of the newly formed Chicken Strike Force, created to crack down on the scourge of illegal chickens within Chattanooga city limits.

Wegman’s last beat was “cock-blocking,” as Wegman refers to it, on the mean streets of Chicago, apprehending both cockfighting gambling rings and the growing menace of urban chicken farmers, tied in with the seedy underbelly of Chicago’s organic-egg black market.

After a bust of a massive cockfighting ring which resulted in the tragic death of his wife at the hands of vengeful bookies and a rooster-inflicted eye injury, which made his distinctive sunglasses a medical necessity at all times, Wegman accepted an honorable discharge from the force a year ago, but as the foremost expert on cock-blocking in the nation, the Chattanooga Police Department made him an offer he just couldn’t refuse.

“I guess I’m back for another one of those cock-blocking beats,” says Wegman.

It’s another day with the Chicken Strike Force on the streets of Chattanooga, and something seems to be bothering Wegman, who looks agitated while walking in front of an unassuming East Brainerd house.

Typically, the Chicken Strike Force receives anonymous tips regarding illegal urban chickens, but sometimes, Wegman’s uncanny intuition and heightened senses can sniff out an illicit coop.

“I suspect fowl play,” says Wegman, while directing his piercing stare toward the house. “You’re about to see why they call me ‘The Eggman.'”

Wegman walks to his unmarked squad car and takes out a worn and weathered Louisville Slugger baseball bat, on which the words “OMELET MAKER” are written in block letters.

“You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs,” says Wegman.

He unlatches the gate to the backyard of the house and makes a beeline to a small mound in the far corner, covered by a dark green tarp.

A woman wearing a floral-print muumuu emerges from the house and briskly walks behind Wegman, saying, “I don’t have any chickens, if that’s what you’re looking for, officer.”

Wegman grabs the tarp and throws it dramatically, revealing several nests filled with eggs.

“No chickens, you say?” says Wegman. “Well, here’s egg on your face.”

Wegman violently brings his baseball bat down on the eggs, covering both himself and the woman with flying bits of eggshell and yolk as the woman cries out, “No! No!”

“Who are you?” asks the woman, visibly shaken.

“I am the Eggman,” says Wegman, solemnly. “Goo goo ga joob.”

Mayor Berke mandates all visible Chattanooga text be converted to Chatype


Following the announcement of making Chatype the office typeface of Chattanooga, Mayor Berke issued a mandate that all visible text within the Chattanooga city limits must be converted to the new font.

“Today marks a historic day in the history of Chattanooga, and even the world,” exclaimed Berke. “We must go Chaballs out and do this thing right!”

242533561_640Chatype, which began as a Kickstarter crowd-funded project early last year, gained support worldwide for its uniqueness, being the first project of its kind. Many Chattanooga neighboring cities, such as Rossville, have tried such projects, but failed when the finished products produced botched versions of Comic Sans.

“I have created a new Chatype task force to vigorously and aggressively work around the clock toward the completion of the conversion,” explained Berke. “They will not stop until every street sign, graffiti tag, National cemetery headstone and manhole cover has been outfitted with Chatype.”

“We expect for all citizens of our great city to comply with the new mandate,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd. “Those naysayers who fail to follow orders could be met with hefty fines, jail time or even have their MacBooks taken away.”