July 2015

Nation mourns for Chattanooga even more after viewing local news Facebook comment sections

After days of overwhelming support from around the nation due to the tragic events of July 16th, a new wave of mourning and support has poured in for the city of Chattanooga for a different reason. This time, it arrives from the mass confusion and questionable representation of Chattanooga via the comment sections in area news organizations Facebook posts.


Many groups from around the states who have held candlelight vigils for the 5 soldiers who tragically lost their lives that day, have made plans to hold more vigils for Chattanooga Facebook users and their lack of correct grammar usage, punctuation, facts, and compassion.

“You would think after such a tragic event, locals would find it in their hearts to remove the sticks from their collective asses,” said Texas Facebook user Jimmy Donivan, after glancing over Chattanooga residents comments on a Times Free Press post. “I see a lady posting how her thoughts are with the families of the victims, while the next jackass is posting about how “Muslim” Obama eats American babies while pissin on the flag.”

Along with memorials for the fallen soldiers, area planning committees hope to open up additional adult literacy centers and classes on reality for area residents.

Harrison Keely tosses name up for Subway spokesman replacement


Just hours after sandwich maker Subway announced it was severing ties with longtime company figure Jared Fogle, local what you need to know today expert Harrison Keely announced he has thrown his name in the hat as the new fast food chain spokesmen. 

“I eat subway once or twice a week and have probably lost a few pounds during those times,” exclaimed Keely. “I’m sure I’ve got a pair of oversized blue jean shorts I can travel around and hold up if need be.”