March 2015

Chattanooga Film Festival to screen “Titanic” on sinking barge

Published on
Sinking North Shore barge (top), still from the film "Titanic" (bottom)
Sinking North Shore barge (top), still from the film “Titanic” (bottom)

The Chattanooga Film Festival (CFF) announced today that it would present a special screening of the 1997 film Titanic on the dilapidated North Shore barge, which began sinking one week ago after vandals moved a pump hose so that water would fill the barge.

“The North Shore barge is an eyesore and universally hated, so we are going to do the impossible and make everyone love it, for just one night,” said CFF representative Garrett Billow. “Why not make the most of a bad situation?”

“It is just getting better and better each day,” said Billow about the festival happening this weekend, which will feature dozens of screenings and guests Elijah Wood, Bobcat Goldthwait, Joe Bob Briggs and Kyle Kinane.

“This special, one-of-a-kind screening of Titanic is going to be like no other film screening that has ever happened,” said Billow. “Audience members will share the panic and terror experienced by the characters in the movie by being on a barge that is actually, truly sinking, just like the RMS Titanic back in 1912.”

Before and after the screening, a professional photographer will be available for couples who wish to recreate the famous “I’m Flying” scene on the railing of the side of the barge that is not yet underwater, among garbage, debris and graffiti.

Riverbend organizers wake from 19-year cryogenic hibernation, book hottest bands from 1996

Published on
/

Stone Temple Pilots (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9phUDn)
Stone Temple Pilots (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9phUDn)
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, organizers of the annual Riverbend summer music festival announced the final lineup for this year’s event, after being cryogenically frozen for nearly two decades.

“We listened to all of you who said to us, ‘Show me the money!'” said Riverbend organizer Joselyn Boykinns. “We are confident you will think this year’s lineup is all that and a bag of chips.”

The 2015 Riverbend Festival, which is scheduled for June 5-13, will feature many acts that were popular in the early-to-mid ’90s, including Stone Temple Pilots, Melissa Etheridge, Chubb Rock, Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick.

“We tried our best to get Spin Doctors and Hootie & The Blowfish, but it didn’t work out,” said Boykinns, who has recently emerged from a 19-year state of cryopreservation.

“Whatever,” said Boykinns, while forming the letter “W” with her thumbs and index fingers. “If you don’t like the lineup, well, you can just talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening!”

TN dyes lethal injections green for St. Patrick’s Day

Published on

Injection syringe (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nQS5KZ)
Injection syringe (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nQS5KZ)
In Tennessee, Death Row just became a little more festive today, as the Tennessee Department of Correction dyed its lethal injections green to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.

“Some of us with Irish blood say that we bleed green,” said Department of Correction representative Eoghan Maeleachlainn, who was dressed like a leprechaun. “Well, these convicted criminals about to receive the death penalty will literally have green running through their veins, after they receive these lethal injections.”

Lethal injections have been increasingly difficult to procure, due to export restrictions upon European pharmaceutical companies for such drugs, making such occasions even more special, and in 2014, Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill to allow the use of the electric chair for executions, should lethal injections be unavailable.

In addition to the Death Row inmates receiving their requested last meals, they will also receive a green mint-flavored McDonald’s Shamrock Shake.

“Today, these hardened criminals will be slain. Or should I say: Sláinte!” said Maeleachlainn, while raising a pint of Guinness.

Meanies hurt State Sen. Todd Gardenhire’s feelings with sidewalk chalk drawings

Published on

Sidewalk chalk (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/75oVa7) / TN State Sen. Todd Gardenhire
Sidewalk chalk (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/75oVa7) / TN State Sen. Todd Gardenhire
Tuesday morning, it was discovered that a bunch of meanies drew colorful sidewalk chalk drawings outside the office of TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire, expressing disapproval.

The chalk drawings criticized Gardenhire’s opposition toward Gov. Bill Haslam’s “Insure TN” proposal to insure 280,000 low-income Tennesseans and hurt his feelings in the process.

“Why do people have to be so mean?” said Gardenhire, holding back tears, at a press conference this afternoon. “If I find out who did this, I am going to tell on them.”

According to the Times Free Press, Gardenhire said about the meanies, “They might as well be in Nazi Germany, using tactics like this.”

The Nazi regime in Germany, under Adolf Hitler, was responsible for methodically murdering approximately six million Jews between 1941 and 1945.

“They may start with chalk drawings, but what will come next from these monsters?” said Gardenhire. “Now, I live in fear that they might soap my windows, or wrap my car’s antenna with yarn, or send me a letter full of glitter, or put a loaf of bread in my mailbox.”

Cleveland TN adopts “Eunuchs only” policy for future Police Chiefs

Published on

Police department of Cleveland, TN
Police department of Cleveland, TN
After Cleveland, Tenn. Police Chief Dennis Maddux served only one day in the position before being reassigned to his previous position, city officials announced that it would enact a “Eunuchs only” policy for the hiring of future Police Chiefs.

Police officer Jeff Griggs claimed that Maddux was kissing his wife Cindy Griggs in a parked car just over the Bradley County line, which resulted in Cindy Griggs being allegedly bitten by Jeff Griggs when she took his camera’s memory card.

In late 2013, Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder suddenly retired after video footage emerged showing Snyder and a woman who was not his wife entering a storage unit that was apparently a love nest, with pillows, blankets and a bottle of brandy.

“This nonsense has got to stop,” said City of Cleveland representative Alex Moreschi. “We need a Police Chief who will think with his head, not his tallywhacker.”

City officials clarified that future Police Chiefs do not necessarily have to be a castrated male; in the case of a female Police Chief, she would need to have undergone an oophorectomy–removal of the ovaries–or demonstrate decreased libido as that which may occur with menopause.

“It takes a lot to be a Police Chief. You need to be a strong leader who is wise and patient, not testy,” said Moreschi. “It takes confidence and courage, and it also takes a pair of brass balls. But just not the fleshy kind, anymore.”