January 2019

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend


It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.

“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”

“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.

“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”

“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown


During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown. 

“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”

City bans IPAs to address racial displacement issue


After Chattanooga Organized for Action (COA) released a report about racial displacement in and around the downtown area, the city passed an ordinance to temporarily ban craft beers of the India Pale Ale (IPA) variety.

In the last year alone, local craft breweries introduced over 300 new IPA varieties, and social scientists commonly use the number of local IPAs as a metric when determining the level of gentrification that has occurred in a specific area.

“It’s a complicated issue, but you can’t argue with statistics,” said local sociologist Cris Tutweill. “Affluent, educated people can’t get enough of those hoppy Pine-Sol bong-water brews.”

COA’s report pointed out that one of the largest declines in African-American homeownership in the country happened in Chattanooga between 2005 and 2015, and neighborhoods that saw an influx of over 5,000 white residents simultaneously lost over 2,500 African-Americans.

“This seems like a drastic measure, but surveys have shown that 85% of craft beer drinkers are white, and by golly, we’ve got to try something,” said Tutweill. “If this doesn’t work, maybe we can ban saisons.”

MAGA teen asshole arrives in Chattanooga to smirk at Riverfront Trail of Tears monument

After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears.

Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named, he will receive an atomic wedgie when he returns to whatever douchebag generating school he returns to.

Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.

Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.

“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.

“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.

West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist.

“Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a West Village sculpture with giant letters that spell out “ARTSY.” “Okay, I get it, you’re making some kind of point about consumerism, I suppose, but we’re the ones who have to suffer, walking by these eyesores every day.”

“I’m actually kind of relieved to hear this news,” said resident Kelly Modbilden, standing beside a sculpture resembling a peace sign made with the Eiffel Tower and the word “Thoughtful.” “I’d hate to think that someone actually picked out this art, thinking that it was good in any possible way, and paid money for it.”

The sculptures are scheduled to be sold at auction this June at Sotheby’s, after being appraised at £2m each.

TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that residents haven’t seen since the tornados of 2011.

“It would be wise for everyone to just stay at home and wait for the shitstorm to pass,” explained TDOT spokesman Scott Browns. “You could take an alternate route, but that would be like cutting off an arm instead of a leg.”

“I’ve already quit my job and stocked up on ramen and powdered milk in preparation,” explained East Ridge resident Jason Matthews. “I would be sitting in traffic from 8 to 5 anyway, unless I want to do something stupid like wake up at 5am.”

Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books.

“You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held every single book in our hands to see if it sparked joy, and these 30 books that remain are ones that passed the test.”

Collfrab pointed to a single shelf that held the library’s entire book collection, which included selections such as “To the Lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf, “Everybody Poops” by Taro Gomi, the James Bond book “Octopussy” by Ian Fleming, only volume 9 of the Encyclopædia Britannica (“Extradition – Garrick”) and “Blubber” by Judy Blume.

Ironically, Marie Kondo’s own book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” did not make the cut and was removed in the purge.

“Thank you Marie Kondo, you magical neat-freak elf from Japan,” said Collfrab.

Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events.

“We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as we can,” said Pat Mantobin, from the Tivoli Theater Foundation.

“Think of it this way: what if you could only see our iconic Walnut Street bridge a few hours every week?” said Mantobin. “Like that bridge, Berke’s glistening teeth are among our city’s treasures.”

“Now, if you just want to walk in off the street and look at Mayor Berke’s toothy grin on a humongous screen any time you want, you can,” said Mantobin. “It’s the year 2019, by golly.”

“Would you just look at those beautiful, pearly whites?” said Mantobin.

Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite.

“Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school, on a bright sunny day, I couldn’t wait to get outside to play. I’d find a nice cozy spot under a tree, pull out my GameBoy and play Tetris until I heard my mom call me in for dinner just before sunset.”

“We’re so blessed by this warm weather, since kids just seemed to be cooped up inside playing Fortnite for the last few months when it was rainy and cold,” said Randiston. “Now we can let kids be kids outside, playing Fortnite on their iPhones.”