Dirk Savage

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Chattanooga haunted houses show horror of city without gigabit internet

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In response to what some one-time visitors of Chattanooga believe would be a shithole wasteland of horrors and less gentrification, area haunted houses brought those fears to life this Halloween.

One local favorite Rock City opened their attraction called “DSL hell”, in which gnomes were unable to launch their startups due to milliseconds slower page loading times.

Even area Church judgment houses went along with the popular theme.

“With gigabit internet, were able to save at least 2 to 3 souls faster an hour over much slower internet speeds.” explained local pastor Reverand Rick Davis. “I weep for the souls that are eternally burning in the fire and brimstone within the depths of hell due to insufficient internet speeds.”

Berke claims Putin leaking investigation details

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After weeks of shocking revelations in the case of Mayor Andy Berke and members of his cabinet, a source close to the Mayor said he believes the leaks have come from none other than Russian leader Vladimir Putin. Berke claims Putin has been in cahoots with accuser Bobby Stone, who he claims may have had shirtless horse rides with the Russian President.

Members of the Berke administration originally believed Wikileaks could have been behind the leaks, but not even Wikileaks’ Julian Assange could crack the administration’s much frowned upon WhatsApp account.

“Let me be clear, these accusations are completely false and are obviously leaked by Vladimir Putin and because of his hatred for gigabit internet and Mexican restaurants”, exclaimed Berke.

Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

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While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”. Experts question why students from each school make an effort to distribute the banners around the city, as a majority of the Chattanooga area population do not give two flying shit about the game.

Both schools now have a tradition of creating of popular internet “hype videos” for the yearly football battle, otherwise known as the “Pat Robertson Trust Fund Bowl”. Sources say these videos only add to the annoyance of students driving around while hootin’ and hollerin’ with banners on the back of their vehicles.

“It’s like clockwork every year to have to clean up the mess after seeing some shaggy-haired kid wearing a jacket, tie, and cargo shorts hop out of a 75 thousand dollar car to hang a huge banner on an overpass,” explained concerned citizen Jeffrey Coopers. “These kids deserve spankings, but I’m sure their dads are hot shit lawyers.”

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

Local elderly woman claims creepy clowns are cause of gas shortages

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In a social networking post made by 73 year old Chattanooga native Doris Knight, residents of the area should be on the lookout for persons of interest dressed as clowns who are stealing gas from area gas stations.

The post was made after reports of Doris missing a dose of her medication and mixing local stories together early this afternoon.

“They are coming here, wearing clown masks, and taking all of the gases”, exclaimed Knight. “I can only assume they are filling their clown shoes with gas and luring children into the woods with BI-LO fuel perks.”

Miss Knight went on to claim law enforcement is not doing enough to address the situation because they are wasting our tax dollars by throwing away the Mayor’s meals behind Las Margaritas.  

Chattanooga named “Best Place to start a startup starting business”

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In a recent poll of millennial entrepreneur industry disrupters with super-nice MacBooks, Chattanooga was named one of the top places in the country to start a startup starting company. Chattanooga beat out many other cities throughout the country, where the number of rundown buildings with 20 foot ceilings and exposed brick walls could not be emulated.

“Anyone with the willpower, mindset, and access to millions of dollars can create their own successful startup starting startup,” said local startup owner Gary Vanderchunk.

Companies like hashtagnoogastrongerstatups credit Chattanooga’s super high speed internet and top of the line access to goldfish covered bean bag chairs as reasons the city ranks above the rest.

“With access to the fastest internet in the world, our Tweets and Facebook posts about helping startups get started are published in just seconds,” explained hashtagnoogastrongerstartups CEO Tyler Thadius. “This is how you become a cutting edge startup starting disrupter.”

Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

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In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.

The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.

“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.

Chattanooga Whiskey just one loyalty card punch away from free building

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After announcing plans to possibly/maybe expand operations into a former car dealership, a representative from the local liquor company Chattanooga Whiskey surprised onlookers by revealing a “plan 4 expansions get 1 free” Chattanooga commercial real estate punch card.

Over the last several years, Chattanooga Whiskey publicized plans to expand into at least three separate buildings, but was deterred after issues with building structures, local codes, and the threat of actually making whiskey.

Luckily, the company was able to obtain and cash in on a Chattanooga commercial real estate loyalty member punch card promotion of winning a fifth building free after threatening or actually moving into four other ones.

“Our main goal is to bring Whiskey to the people,” explained Chattanooga Whiskey spokesmen Tim Pheasant. “Our second goal is to exploit a loophole where a punch doesn’t require the company to ever really move into an overhyped building. Old history museum, here we bluff.”

Incline Railway hits fifth Pokemon Go player

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Just two weeks after the release of the popular cell phone application Pokemon Go, a spokesmen from the Incline Railway says the train smashed into its fifth victim this afternoon. The tragedy comes after numerous reports from around the globe of players being hit in the streets by moving vehicles from being sadly pre-occupied by a smartphone video game.

Sources say all five victims trespassed onto the track, rudely unaware and carefree of friends and family yearning for time spent together to celebrate life and our existence instead of having their head buried in a video game on a cell phone.

“One minute you’re in a trance trying to catch a Pikachu on fenced-off railway, the next you’re somehow hit by a train traveling at 9 miles per hour,” explained Incline spokesmen Jeff Darwin.

City officials are taking measures to keep tragic events like this from happening again. Plans are in the works for splitting city bikes lanes into half Pokemon Go lanes, but they’ll probably be hit anyway as most people still drive there.

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