Politics

Rep. Fleischmann to circumcise self to show support for Israel

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann announced that he would circumcise himself to demonstrate support for Israel, at a press conference outside Memo’s Chopped Wieners on MLK Blvd. today.

This announcement comes after video emerged of Fleischmann telling activists “Goodbye to Palestine” and saying “I will never support you” directly to one.

“Critics have accused me and my party of reducing everything to just right and wrong, black and white, us and them,” said Fleischmann, whose religious affiliation is Catholic. “Well I can tell you one thing for sure: my wiener is either chopped or unchopped, and starting today, I’m chopped, baby!”

“Although I’ve got a very steady hand, I was thinking of hiring a mohel, and I know one who offers a cut rate,” said Fleischmann, garnering laughter. “Just a little off the top, please. I kid. He actually does it for free – he just takes tips.”

Police Academy enrollment skyrockets after adding “Naked Lady Catching” training

Enrollment in Chattanooga’s Police Academy training has reportedly skyrocketed, after the addition of a new training course on how to catch naked ladies.

The training course was added after a video went viral this week, showing two police officers attempting and failing to catch a naked lady running away from them near Highway 153, with one officer slipping and falling and the other officer shrugging after the incident.

Following the video’s release was overwhelming public outrage over the lack of necessary training for police to deal with such incidents.

“Yes, it’s true that police need serious training to deal with situations like facing active shooters or having to sing the national anthem,” said Chattanooga resident Scottie Kommeda. “But, gosh darn it, they also need the proper training to grab and tackle wet and wild naked ladies who are on the loose, with their bits all flippety-floppety.”

The comprehensive new training course, which will be required for all police officers, will include tactics for catching naked ladies who may be covered with a variety of slippery substances, such as baby oil, Jello, and movie theater butter.

Chattanooga Bystander’s 2023 in Review

///

March: Lipstick-wearing Bugs Bunny arrested for defying TN drag show ban

Bugs Bunny in drag

April: Hero Kid Rock shoots aggressive Bud Light cans in self-defense

Kid Rock shooting cans of Bud Light

May: TN House Republicans introduce megaphone ban after Covenant Shooting

District 52 Tenn. Rep. Justin Jones with megaphone

June: Crypto influencer Gary Vee says “Shitty NFT scribbles are the future of finance” 
Grown man introduces childish hen-scratched cartoon characters with a straight face, such as Grifter Grizzly Bear, Ponzi Panda, Speculative Bubble Bumblebee, and Pump-N-Dump Penguin.

"VeeFriends" NFT and Gary Vaynerchuk (inset)

September:  Local school admins completely baffled by wave of teachers quitting their low-paying, soul-crushing, glorified-babysitting job

Teacher contemplating her life's mistakes including becoming a teacher

October: Rep. Fleischmann almost becomes new House Speaker and when we say “almost” we mean “not even close”

Text messages from Rep. Chuck Fleischmann to Donald Trump

Mayor Kelly seen filling potholes before midnight NYE to boost 2023 number

According to eyewitnesses, Mayor Tim Kelly was seen at various locations just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, frantically filling potholes in what appears to be an attempt to boost the number of potholes filled in 2023 in Chattanooga.

Kelly reportedly was wearing a long, black cape with a piece of felt cut out to resemble a shovel, sewn to it, and dragging a large sack of steaming asphalt, scampering about like a nocturnal creature in the final, shadowy hour of the year.

Witnesses said they could hear him mumbling to himself phrases such as, “Got to reach 20,000,” “You can do it, Timmy Boy,” and “I am the Prince of Potholes.”

Zach Wamp adopts 33 children to run in all local elections

At a press conference today, former U.S. Representative Zach Wamp announced that he had recently adopted 33 children who would run in all Hamilton County elections happening in 2022.

These adopted children would be joining Wamp’s two other children, Weston and Coty, who are primary election candidates for County Mayor and District Attorney, respectively.

“Would you just look at these bundles of joy?” said Zach Wamp, as he motioned toward the crowd of adopted children, aged 18 and older to meet candidacy age requirements. “Everybody might not know that it’s perfectly legal to adopt adults, and wouldn’t you, after seeing these precious little dumplings?”

Wamp’s adopted children were mostly lawyers, real estate brokers and developers, many in advanced middle age or older.

“I just want to say that if my new children want to play little league or take ballet lessons, I fully support them, as long as it doesn’t interfere with them running for elected office,” said Wamp, while ruffling the gray hair of 70-year-old estate lawyer, Harlan Wamp.

“Now, some may accuse me of empire-building,” said Wamp. “That is simply not the case. I prefer the word ‘dynasty.’ ‘Royalty’ works, too.”

Wamp has approached Matt Hullander and Sabrena Smedley, who are also primary candidates for County Mayor, asking them if they want to be adopted by him; Hullander’s father, Bill Hullander, who is the incumbent primary candidate for County Trustee, has offered Matt a Disney World vacation as a counteroffer.

“WAMP! There it is! WAMP! There it is!” chanted Wamp, while leading his children in making the “raise the roof” motion with his hands.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream now?” asked Harlan Wamp while gently tugging on his father’s arm, melting the hearts of people in the audience.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns stock in vaccines, Jewish space lasers

/

After it was reported that U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owned stock in three COVID-19 vaccine makers earlier this month, despite being critical of vaccines and vaccine mandates, further disclosures have revealed that Greene also owns stock in Jewish space lasers.

Scrutiny of Greene’s financial disclosures shows ownership of stock in the Goldfarbstein conglomerate, which makes diverse products including matzo, chocolate coins, dreidels, and high-powered space lasers.

Some have speculated that these Goldfarbstein space lasers could have terrifying capabilities, such as starting wildfires, vaporizing gentiles, or making a laser light show extravaganza based on the music of Neil Diamond.

“Representative Greene’s hypocrisy is disturbing, especially knowing that these Jewish space lasers can cause such mass destruction,” said north Georgia resident Finn Showalter. “It’s frightening to think that after a laser attack, your anguished cries would be said to no one there. And no one heard at all.”

“Not even the chair,” said Showalter. “Oy vey.”

Brian Joyce pins nightclub issues on Donald Trump presidency

/

Fans of public intoxication had to take the weekend off from their favorite watering hole/nightclub due to a plethora of beer board violations against the now infamous Blue Light club on Station Street. Owner and local radio personality Brian Joyce says the blame can only be placed on one factor, and that is somehow the presidency of Donald J Trump. 

“What you’re looking at here is the past presidency of Donald Trump aka Drumpf causing Blue Light staff and myself to drink on the job and then sell drinks in the street,” explained Joyce, while thumbing thru some “Occupy Democrats” tweets for material. “We are still coping with this orange dictator making our lives miserable again when he said he would be making America great again!”  

Sources said Blue Light employees were preparing for a full “January 6th” style insurrection of the venue by beer board members because “that’s what the Cheeto-in-chief” would want. 

Note: Chattanooga Bystander is anti-trump

Invisible Buffalo Wild Wings gang armed with BB guns announces run for Hamilton County Mayor against Weston Wamp

Just weeks after Zach Wamp’s won Weston Wamp annouced he will be running for Hamilton County Mayor due to the retirement of current Mayor Jim Coppinger, an invisible gang of troublemakers armed with BB guns have annouced they have thrown their invisible beanie caps in the race as well.

“We intend to show that law enforcement seems to be doing alright around here,” explained the Invisible gang, standing in front of a non-existant Red Toyota Corolla.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

/

After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

City of Chattanooga sending a guy to just set your recycling on fire after truck driver shortage

After the City of Chattanooga announced it will be halting curbside recycling pickup due to a shortage of truck drivers, a representative from the same department announced plans that it’ll send someone out to set your recycling on fire until positions can be filled.

Sources say city residents can still leave their recycling curbside until a guy named Carl or Steve drops by with a Bic lighter to set your recycling ablaze.

“We’re still checking on the logic behind this, but it’s the best we can do until we put some warm bodies in trash trucks,” explained City of Chattanooga director of recycling, Julia Joderson.

1 2 3 19