Politics

Chattanooga survivalists and doomsday “preppers” expressed disappointment, after the 2024 U.S.A. presidential election results came in, that there wouldn’t be a civil war.

“You can be sure that if the lamestream media said that Trump lost this time, then the election was certainly rigged, and I’ll be right there in D.C. in January with my guns,” said local survivalist Seymour Ondtent. “But now, it turns out that I got all this camouflage for nothing. I even got 24 pairs of camo boxer briefs, for crying out loud.”

“Ever since bump stocks became legal again, I’ve been itching to try these out on something other than cases of Bud Light,” said Ondtent. “You know, something that moves. Something that whines about social justice or some bullshit. No trigger warning here, ha ha. Oh well, that’s not going to happen, I guess.”

“I am kind of regretting paying $5000 for this machine that freeze-dries food,” said local prepper Silvie Teabaker. “Now I’ve got a basement full of vacuum-packed desiccated veggies, and eating them is like chewing the crotch out of a rag doll.”

With the early voting turnout in Tennessee greatly surpassing that of 2020, Republican voters expressed an eagerness to suck the greasy cock of former President Donald Trump.

“What can I say,” said Hamilton County resident Otto Margatt, “I just couldn’t wait until Election Day to cram Trump’s wrinkled, veiny man-meat into my salivating mouth, so I can own the libs. Triggered yet, snowflakes?”

“I’m eager to gulp down Trump’s bitter, black sperm, because I know Trump and Jesus will clear a path for me to heaven,” said local voter Joelle Talmander. “As an evangelical, I believe 100% that the rapture will happen within my lifetime, even though it hasn’t happened in the last 2,000 years.”

“All my friends are voting for Trump, and I’d rather die than lose my friends and tribe, so gimme that slimy, smeg-covered Trump cock,” said early voter Denny Boddus. “I’ve been through a fraternity initiation and have had a MrBeast Burger, so I’ve had worse things in my mouth before.”

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann announced that he would circumcise himself to demonstrate support for Israel, at a press conference outside Memo’s Chopped Wieners on MLK Blvd. today.

This announcement comes after video emerged of Fleischmann telling activists “Goodbye to Palestine” and saying “I will never support you” directly to one.

“Critics have accused me and my party of reducing everything to just right and wrong, black and white, us and them,” said Fleischmann, whose religious affiliation is Catholic. “Well I can tell you one thing for sure: my wiener is either chopped or unchopped, and starting today, I’m chopped, baby!”

“Although I’ve got a very steady hand, I was thinking of hiring a mohel, and I know one who offers a cut rate,” said Fleischmann, garnering laughter. “Just a little off the top, please. I kid. He actually does it for free – he just takes tips.”

Enrollment in Chattanooga’s Police Academy training has reportedly skyrocketed, after the addition of a new training course on how to catch naked ladies.

The training course was added after a video went viral this week, showing two police officers attempting and failing to catch a naked lady running away from them near Highway 153, with one officer slipping and falling and the other officer shrugging after the incident.

Following the video’s release was overwhelming public outrage over the lack of necessary training for police to deal with such incidents.

“Yes, it’s true that police need serious training to deal with situations like facing active shooters or having to sing the national anthem,” said Chattanooga resident Scottie Kommeda. “But, gosh darn it, they also need the proper training to grab and tackle wet and wild naked ladies who are on the loose, with their bits all flippety-floppety.”

The comprehensive new training course, which will be required for all police officers, will include tactics for catching naked ladies who may be covered with a variety of slippery substances, such as baby oil, Jello, and movie theater butter.

According to eyewitnesses, Mayor Tim Kelly was seen at various locations just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, frantically filling potholes in what appears to be an attempt to boost the number of potholes filled in 2023 in Chattanooga.

Kelly reportedly was wearing a long, black cape with a piece of felt cut out to resemble a shovel, sewn to it, and dragging a large sack of steaming asphalt, scampering about like a nocturnal creature in the final, shadowy hour of the year.

Witnesses said they could hear him mumbling to himself phrases such as, “Got to reach 20,000,” “You can do it, Timmy Boy,” and “I am the Prince of Potholes.”

At a press conference today, former U.S. Representative Zach Wamp announced that he had recently adopted 33 children who would run in all Hamilton County elections happening in 2022.

These adopted children would be joining Wamp’s two other children, Weston and Coty, who are primary election candidates for County Mayor and District Attorney, respectively.

“Would you just look at these bundles of joy?” said Zach Wamp, as he motioned toward the crowd of adopted children, aged 18 and older to meet candidacy age requirements. “Everybody might not know that it’s perfectly legal to adopt adults, and wouldn’t you, after seeing these precious little dumplings?”

Wamp’s adopted children were mostly lawyers, real estate brokers and developers, many in advanced middle age or older.

“I just want to say that if my new children want to play little league or take ballet lessons, I fully support them, as long as it doesn’t interfere with them running for elected office,” said Wamp, while ruffling the gray hair of 70-year-old estate lawyer, Harlan Wamp.

“Now, some may accuse me of empire-building,” said Wamp. “That is simply not the case. I prefer the word ‘dynasty.’ ‘Royalty’ works, too.”

Wamp has approached Matt Hullander and Sabrena Smedley, who are also primary candidates for County Mayor, asking them if they want to be adopted by him; Hullander’s father, Bill Hullander, who is the incumbent primary candidate for County Trustee, has offered Matt a Disney World vacation as a counteroffer.

“WAMP! There it is! WAMP! There it is!” chanted Wamp, while leading his children in making the “raise the roof” motion with his hands.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream now?” asked Harlan Wamp while gently tugging on his father’s arm, melting the hearts of people in the audience.