Politics

Brian Joyce pins nightclub issues on Donald Trump presidency

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Fans of public intoxication had to take the weekend off from their favorite watering hole/nightclub due to a plethora of beer board violations against the now infamous Blue Light club on Station Street. Owner and local radio personality Brian Joyce says the blame can only be placed on one factor, and that is somehow the presidency of Donald J Trump. 

“What you’re looking at here is the past presidency of Donald Trump aka Drumpf causing Blue Light staff and myself to drink on the job and then sell drinks in the street,” explained Joyce, while thumbing thru some “Occupy Democrats” tweets for material. “We are still coping with this orange dictator making our lives miserable again when he said he would be making America great again!”  

Sources said Blue Light employees were preparing for a full “January 6th” style insurrection of the venue by beer board members because “that’s what the Cheeto-in-chief” would want. 

Note: Chattanooga Bystander is anti-trump

Invisible Buffalo Wild Wings gang armed with BB guns announces run for Hamilton County Mayor against Weston Wamp

Just weeks after Zach Wamp’s won Weston Wamp annouced he will be running for Hamilton County Mayor due to the retirement of current Mayor Jim Coppinger, an invisible gang of troublemakers armed with BB guns have annouced they have thrown their invisible beanie caps in the race as well.

“We intend to show that law enforcement seems to be doing alright around here,” explained the Invisible gang, standing in front of a non-existant Red Toyota Corolla.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

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After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

City of Chattanooga sending a guy to just set your recycling on fire after truck driver shortage

After the City of Chattanooga announced it will be halting curbside recycling pickup due to a shortage of truck drivers, a representative from the same department announced plans that it’ll send someone out to set your recycling on fire until positions can be filled.

Sources say city residents can still leave their recycling curbside until a guy named Carl or Steve drops by with a Bic lighter to set your recycling ablaze.

“We’re still checking on the logic behind this, but it’s the best we can do until we put some warm bodies in trash trucks,” explained City of Chattanooga director of recycling, Julia Joderson.

Chattanooga Bystander endorses Mayor Andy Berke for Mayor and a third term

The Chattanooga Bystander is proud to endorse current City of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke for the upcoming 2021 City of Chattanooga Mayorship election. While this isn’t legally possible, we will lay out a few reasons why we think it should happen anyway.

Saving the taxpayers’ money: he’s been in office for a while now. We’re sure he’s accumulated quite a few knickknacks around the office so it would take many moving trucks to get everything out. It will cost quite a bit to change all the names painted, printed, or embossed on various things in the city, and that shit ain’t cheap

2020 really didn’t count: Zoom is bullshit and not real life.

There is like 300 people running: We all know there is going to be runoffs, and we can’t deal with these signs anymore. Just give him the damn thing

We all know Andy has had his ups and downs, but who hasn’t? He’s managed to get our town voted best down ever by people who have never been anywhere else, plus the internet is good. So when you head to the poll, be sure to write in Andy 2021. If you already voted, just show back up and see if you can change your vote. Not sure if that’s legal but worth a shot.

Marjorie Taylor Greene named the new leader of the Yellow Deli and Twelve Tribes after the founder dies

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After the death of the original leader from the Twelve Tribes, a cult that operates downtown Chattanooga’s Yellow Deli restaurant, a representative from the group announced they have found a suitable replacement in Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Greene, a freshman U.S. representative from Georgia’s 14th congressional district, has made recent headlines for her wack-job beliefs in the far right conspiracy theory group or cult called “QAnon”, which many are saying puts her in a perfect position to lead the Twelve Tribes group.

“The first order of business is to rename ourselves the Thirteen Tribes because rightful President Donald J Trump should be his own tribe,” explained Greene to a group of high supporters. “Make that 14 when Q arrives”.

Experts believe Greenes will get right to work putting her own touch on the Yellow Deli menu. Sources say patrons, which are now called “patriotons” of the restaurant can look forward to new menu items such as the “Q-euben” and the “Jewish Space Sandwich” to enjoy.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene purchases bullshit detector on Craigslist

After receiving wide criticism for her support of wild conspiracy theories on social media, North Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced that she purchased a bullshit detector from someone on Craigslist.

This bullshit detector, which resembles a waffle iron glued to a lava lamp wrapped with Christmas string lights, was purchased by Greene from a man known as “Lortab Larry” for $5000, paid in Applebee’s gift cards.

Greene, who in the last few years has supported allegations that the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings were “false flag” events and that Democrats are part of a global cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, will use the bullshit detector to determine the veracity of claims from her constituents.

“I just got this email from one of my supporters that as a child, AOC was possessed by the devil and could rotate her head all the way around and also that she once rigged a bus so that it would explode if it went below 50 mph, and also she was responsible for the Rwandan genocide and participated in a human centipede in college, just for fun,” said Greene, before feeding a printout into her bullshit detector.

“Well what do you know, it’s all true,” said Greene, nodding solemnly.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

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After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Trump finds missing 11,780 ballots in Ark of the Covenant in Dalton

At a rally today in Dalton, Georgia, one day before the state’s runoff elections for its U.S. Senate seats, President Trump announced that he found 11,780 missing Presidential election ballots, hidden inside the legendary Ark of the Covenant, buried under a pile of discarded carpet samples.

Trump drew fierce criticism after a conversation leaked in which he asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, to “find 11,780 votes” that would tilt Georgia to favor Trump rather than the President-elect, Joe Biden.

“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” said Trump to thousands of followers at Dalton’s regional airport. “Sad!”

As Trump read the ballots, one by one, he was pleased to discover that all of them were votes for him.

“I had Pence open the Ark for me, because I saw what happened in that Indiana Jones documentary to those Nazis,” said Trump.

Rep Fleischmann spotted at local adult store preparing for next encounter with Trump

After news broke that Representative Chuck Fleischmann would join in objecting to President-Elect Joe Biden’s certification, it was reported the congressman was spotted at a local adult store purchasing BDSM supplies in preparation for his next run-in with Trump. A bystander spotted Chucky trying on different outfits and talking to himself in a mirror.

“Please don’t say mean things on the internet about me daddy Trump, I promise I’ll be good and do whatever you want,” exclaimed Fleischmann into a mirror, while placing a MAGA bondage mask on his head and fastening on orange nipple clamps.

Sources have also discovered secret service was made aware the congressman’s safe word is “Fleshmann”, just in case things got a little out of hand with the departing losing president.

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