March 2017

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

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Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources.

“It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a big, strong two-term mayor?'”

“Then, he changed his voice into a deep, manly voice and said, ‘Andy wants some candy,'” said the witness. “Then he closed his eyes and just started kissing his reflection, like, really going to town.”

“There are some things that you just can’t un-see,” said the witness.

Last year, Berke was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with his senior adviser, and her husband allegedly caught the two kissing.

“Let me be clear: the allegations are absolutely false. I do not and never had an inappropriate relationship with that mirror,” said Berke at a press conference today.

The mirror has not returned multiple requests for comment.

Poll: Handful of warm cottage cheese more popular than four mayoral candidates

A recent poll of eligible Chattanooga voters has revealed that most would prefer to have a handful of warm cottage cheese as the next mayor of Chattanooga instead of any of the four mayoral candidates: incumbent Andy Berke, David Crockett, Larry Grohn and Chris Long.

“A handful of warm cottage cheese is a viable write-in candidate,” said local political analyst Kris Collendair.

“Voters are looking at the current slate of candidates and are not happy,” said Collendair. “You’re looking at the status quo and ineffective policies for reducing violence, or certain outdated civil-rights stances regarding LGBT issues or making Chattanooga essentially a suburb of Atlanta by advocating a high-speed rail system between the two cities.”

“This handful of warm cottage cheese is just the no-nonsense candidate that people can relate to,” said Collendair.

Polls are open today for the Chattanooga mayoral election from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

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In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead.

“Let’s forecast this shit, Barys beard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist Paul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.