In a recent poll of millennial entrepreneur industry disrupters with super-nice MacBooks, Chattanooga was named one of the top places in the country to start a startup starting company. Chattanooga beat out many other cities throughout the country, where the number of rundown buildings with 20 foot ceilings and exposed brick walls could not be emulated.
“Anyone with the willpower, mindset, and access to millions of dollars can create their own successful startup starting startup,” said local startup owner Gary Vanderchunk.
Companies like hashtagnoogastrongerstatups credit Chattanooga’s super high speed internet and top of the line access to goldfish covered bean bag chairs as reasons the city ranks above the rest.
“With access to the fastest internet in the world, our Tweets and Facebook posts about helping startups get started are published in just seconds,” explained hashtagnoogastrongerstartups CEO Tyler Thadius. “This is how you become a cutting edge startup starting disrupter.”
After the Bradley County Jail became so overcrowded that Cleveland Police officers were instructed to possibly retain inmates in their patrol cars, the police department made a public plea, asking people to postpone any criminal activities until the prison overcrowding issue had been resolved.
“Please, do us a solid this one time and just hold off on your criminal shenanigans for a little while,” said Cleveland Police Chief Rodger Butterfelden. “We are up to our tits in inmates.”
As of Thursday, the Bradley County Jail held 558 prisoners, while it was only certified to hold 408 inmates, and offenders could be found draped over desks, nodding off while leaning against walls, and sleeping head-to-toe, two or three per bunk.
In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.
The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.
“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.
After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.
Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.
Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.
“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.