August 2016

Insurers to create GoFundMe campaigns for policy holders before price hikes

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Health insurers in Tennessee have announced that they will automatically create individual GoFundMe campaigns for each ObamaCare exchange plan policy holder for convenience, after it was announced that Tennessee regulators had approved large increases in individual rates for 2017.

Tennessee’s largest health insurer, BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee, was approved for a 62 percent increase in individual rates for next year, while Cigna and Humana were approved for 46.3 percent and 44.3 percent, respectively.

Proponents of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “ObamaCare,” have praised the program for encouraging people to obtain insurance, which can be subsidized, while opponents have cited increases such as these as evidence that ObamaCare is faulty.

The Temptations song “Ain’t too Proud too Beg” was played at a press conference earlier today, before insurance company representatives made the announcement.

“Crowdsourcing platforms such as GoFundMe have made it easy and socially acceptable to essentially beg,” said Lester Gileadd, an insurance industry representative. “We’ve all decided to automatically create these GoFundMe fundraising campaigns for our individual policy holders, ’cause after these upcoming price hikes, you’re going to need every penny.”

“The best thing to do is to just try not to get sick, y’all,” said Gileadd.

Chattanooga named “Best Place to start a startup starting business”

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In a recent poll of millennial entrepreneur industry disrupters with super-nice MacBooks, Chattanooga was named one of the top places in the country to start a startup starting company. Chattanooga beat out many other cities throughout the country, where the number of rundown buildings with 20 foot ceilings and exposed brick walls could not be emulated.

“Anyone with the willpower, mindset, and access to millions of dollars can create their own successful startup starting startup,” said local startup owner Gary Vanderchunk.

Companies like hashtagnoogastrongerstatups credit Chattanooga’s super high speed internet and top of the line access to goldfish covered bean bag chairs as reasons the city ranks above the rest.

“With access to the fastest internet in the world, our Tweets and Facebook posts about helping startups get started are published in just seconds,” explained hashtagnoogastrongerstartups CEO Tyler Thadius. “This is how you become a cutting edge startup starting disrupter.”

Cleveland Police ask criminals to postpone crimes until prison overcrowding resolved

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After the Bradley County Jail became so overcrowded that Cleveland Police officers were instructed to possibly retain inmates in their patrol cars, the police department made a public plea, asking people to postpone any criminal activities until the prison overcrowding issue had been resolved.

“Please, do us a solid this one time and just hold off on your criminal shenanigans for a little while,” said Cleveland Police Chief Rodger Butterfelden. “We are up to our tits in inmates.”

As of Thursday, the Bradley County Jail held 558 prisoners, while it was only certified to hold 408 inmates, and offenders could be found draped over desks, nodding off while leaning against walls, and sleeping head-to-toe, two or three per bunk.

“These prisoners are getting really cozy with each other here, like that swinger party we busted up back in ’97,” said Butterfelden, whispering, while tip-toeing over inmates sleeping on the floor. “Aw, would you look at that? They are all plumb tuckered out, like kids at a slumber party.”
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source)
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source)

Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

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In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.

The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.

“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.