April 2016

Jack Bauer to play Revelry Room, eliminate gang violence in 24 hours


At a press conference this afternoon, the City of Chattanooga announced that it had hired agent Jack Bauer for a 24-hour period starting Sunday evening, during which he will perform a set of country music at the Revelry Room and also solve Chattanooga’s gang violence problem by any means necessary.

“Although people want solutions quickly, it takes time and a huge amount of effort to fight a complex issue such as gang violence,” said a representative for the city, Kim Lennox, in the wake of several shootings and homicides in the last two weeks. “Unless, of course, you can get Jack Bauer on the job.”

“With Jack, all you need is a boatload of ammo and twenty-four hours,” said Lennox. “Sure, Jack might get frustrated a few times and shout out ‘Damn it, Chloe!’ and torture a few people in the process, but he always comes through.”

In preparation for Jack Bauer’s arrival, the City of Chattanooga purchased $1 million worth of cameras in order to film Bauer in action, with the footage intended to be broadcast on TV.

“At the Revelry Room, he’ll rock you hard,” said Lennox. “Then, on the streets of Chattanooga, he’ll rock those gang members even harder.”

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing


After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

New Tenn. bill makes transgender students wear adult diapers


After the “bathroom bill” passed in a Tennessee House panel that would require transgender students to use bathrooms that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates, new legislation was proposed that would make transgender students wear adult diapers instead of using bathroom facilities.

Civil rights and LGBT advocacy groups have opposed the bathroom bill, which has also raised concerns about the possibility of losing federal education funding, and the new “diaper bill” has proven to be even more controversial.

“We just want everyone to be comfortable,” said Rep. Pat Augusteen, the House sponsor of the diaper bill. “I believe that it would be hard to take a tinkle if RuPaul is standing next to you at a row of urinals.”

“Besides, think of the convenience and all the time those transgender students would save,” said Augusteen. “They could drop a load, right during a class, and just keep on taking notes like nothing happened.”

“This isn’t like having separate water fountains,” said Augusteen. “It’s like transgender people would each be getting their own personal, portable water fountain.”

Harrison Keely returns from Vegas, purchases Times Free Press

After striking big in a hand of Go Fish during a Las Vegas casino game, former Chattanooga resident and Times Free Press reporter announced his return to the publication with the intention to buy it.

Keely left the Times Free Press back in January for a career as a Vegas show dancer, but received numerous complaints due to his insistence on wearing loose fitting suits.

“My first goal is to turn the entire paper into a 3 to 4 minute web only video everyday, explained Keely. “Next comes the purchase of Nooga.com and making Sean Phipps my pool hunk.”