Shitstorm 2016

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

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Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources.

“It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a big, strong two-term mayor?'”

“Then, he changed his voice into a deep, manly voice and said, ‘Andy wants some candy,'” said the witness. “Then he closed his eyes and just started kissing his reflection, like, really going to town.”

“There are some things that you just can’t un-see,” said the witness.

Last year, Berke was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with his senior adviser, and her husband allegedly caught the two kissing.

“Let me be clear: the allegations are absolutely false. I do not and never had an inappropriate relationship with that mirror,” said Berke at a press conference today.

The mirror has not returned multiple requests for comment.

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

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Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.

Berke admits to giving secret decoder rings to staff

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Mayor Andy Berke admitted at a press conference this afternoon that he had previously given secret decoder rings to members of his staff for communication purposes, raising concerns about transparency and the ability to fulfill open records requests.

“Although we stopped using the rings and threw them away, as far as I know, the city of Chattanooga has no policy that disallows the use of such decoder rings,” said Berke.

Each member of Berke’s staff was assigned a different colored ring, and to begin each daily staff meeting, members would bring their hands together so that their rings would form a rainbow, according to an inside source.

Berke would then declare, “Berke Team Rainbow Seven, commence!” and the staff would clap their hands once in unison, before making an “X” with their forearms and tilting their heads down briefly.

Berke also admitted to using lemon juice as ink for certain written communications and encouraging the use of “leetspeak.”

At the end of the press conference, Berke said some words that were undecipherable by the audience.

“Etslay etgay theway ellhay outway ofway erehay, acystay,” said Berke.

Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)
Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)

Service entrance of local Mexican restaurant named top new make-out spot

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After a poll given to local participants with shit-filled underpants, a local Mexican restaurant’s service entrance was named the area’s best new make-out spot. 

The restaurant’s service entrance beat out past favorite make-out spots, including a climate-controlled storage facility in Cleveland. 

Since Chattanooga was named “Best Town Ever” this past year, experts believe the new make-out spot will be a must visit for tourists, including the TBI. 

“Whenever I take a lady there, the smell of discarded Mexican food really gets us in the mood,” said one local romancer about the new make-out spot.” I always hope I can get her to go all the way, or as I call it, install a bike lane.”